What part of you do you keep in exile?
Being overly sensitive to how people judge us isn’t always a sign of low self-esteem; confident women also worry about making an impression. We are supposed to be perfect, or at least outstanding, so we work hard to maintain this status.
What is the price of impression management? What parts of ourselves do we keep in exile?
I learned a great lesson about uncovering and claiming the parts of me I have imprisoned in my first improvisational acting class. I attended a week-long camp in the woods in New York. I fumbled and mumbled through every scene and hid out from my fellow campers in the evening. I knew I looked stupid. I couldn’t wait to get home.
Then I met Carol Fox Prescott. After begrudgingly performing a short song and dance on stage, she blocked my retreat and told me to repeat the performance.
I did.
She made me do it again.
I did.
She said, “Until you arouse every man in this room, you can’t leave this stage.”
I was appalled. I saw myself as a consummate corporate trainer and keynote speaker, not a sex object. I was instructional and motivating, not seductive.
She made me perform again. And again. The angrier I got, the more I belted out my song and thrusted my hips around the stage.
During the ninth rendition, I felt what it is truly like to be totally open and vulnerable, releasing all of me with relish, anger, passion and fun. Everyone cheered, hooted and whistled throughout the performance. At the end, I fell to the floor in tears.
Carol took my hand and said, “You have disconnected from your sexuality. Until you find this beautiful part of yourself and share it with the world, you will never fully connect with your audience or anyone else in your life.” I knew in my soul that she was right.
Carol brought me back in touch with the silly, sexy, loving woman that I had lost contact with in all my years of being the perfect achiever. While trying to be the perfect performer, I was not being authentic. Now, being perfectly authentic became my goal, a nobler aspiration than trying to look and act with precision. I still planned on doing well, but I put all of me into the act.
Carol helped me to see the pleasure in giving 100% and to find that people love my messy, silly, imperfect self even more than the “confident high-achiever” self I tried so hard to uphold. I may not sing and dance on stage, but when I teach and speak, I laugh whole-heartedly with my audience and even at myself.
Do you have a story to share about reconnecting with your hidden self? Comment here or post it on my blog, www.burdenofgreatness.com.
7 Responses to “What part of you do you keep in exile?”
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Awesome blog Marcia. Thanks for sharing your imperfect side with us. I did a wonderful Meisner’s acting course about 10 years ago. We learnt much about being “true to the moment” and using our intuition to read the other person so we could react in a genuine way. I still use the techniques I learnt there in my coaching now to spot when a client is being authentic and when they are hiding how they really feel.
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The improvisation acting course is something everyone should try though. It’s a true gift to be able to laugh at yourself before anyone else does!
Fantastic story. I’m so glad you told this. I see frustration in many people I work with (sorry – but mostly women) who don’t use the natural talents, gifts, and presence they have to accomplish more. I’m not talking about strutting around the office in spandex. I’m talking about leveraging their perceptive powers, attention to detail, the ability to stare a man down. As a Chief Marketing Officer, I envy those qualities, and many times the women I work with just don’t leverage that. Reality is women and men have different traits. Using them is not unfair, or abusive. It’s smart and progressive. I certainly leverage my obliviousness… oh did I say that.
Great Blog!
Thanks for opening up on your post, Marcia. Having forever being someone who strives for perfection, I was dealt a cruel hand, or so I thought for decades, in showing my “imperfection” at not speaking the language in the country in which I live as a first language. I was convinced this lack of fluency pointed to all of my weaknesses, and made every attempt to avoid communication with strangers for way too long.
Until I realized that exactly this “imperfection” is what my USP is, what helps me to stand out from others, and what sells me in many situations much better than a person who can express herself “perfectly” through the language. I gain more trust, especially in difficult situations, because others can relate their imperfection to mine.
I still tend to keep quiet in public, however I am thrilled to be able to finally accept that my crazy accent is actually one of my strongest selling points.
So true…I too have a fear of speaking foreign languages. I’ve taken beginning Spanish at least five times in my life and then do not practice even though I live in Arizona where it would be easy to do so. I am pushing myself on that one. Thanks for sharing.
This touched a nerve with me—trying to learn several news roles simultaneously at age 23 as a wife, nursing grad in my first job after graduation, being a step-mom to 3 little girls, and trying to look like I knew what I was doing—all the while estranged in some significant ways from my parents and family of origin….suffice to say I was out of touch with feelings on many levels. Still trying to heal wounds, mostly inflicted by me, within a grossly intact marriage/family.
Hi Marcia, this is a great Story! And it is indeed what I see on my confident clients, the fear of building the place of power and leadership in the feminine identity – love, grace, splendor. I truly believe is time to pass the message to all the wonderful women!. Today, at the age of 34, I am feeling comfortable in my feminine skin. Took a long time!
Thank you, Dr. M. Great stuff! Through the support of my job coach, I recently had a small breakthrough at work as a senior marketing officer at a male-dominated organization. I have finally experienced how much more influential I can be and powerful I feel when I “own” my true self — and my imperfections. It has taken 46 years of soul-searching, counseling, studying and practice to be “in the moment” in an authentic way instead of striving to be perfect. So I’m with Carolina — let’s share this message with our sisters, to encourage them to see their imperfections as strengths rather than weaknesses, and to let them know that “perfection” is over-rated.