Something Better Than Your Best Advice
I just returned from the National Speakers Association Conference. I enjoyed seeing friends, learning in small groups, and engaging in hallway conversations that triggered creative solutions and collaborative efforts.
Yet this is the National Speakers Association. You would expect life-altering 
keynote speeches. Although I liked some of these presentations, they didn’t change my life. Yes, they stirred my heart and reminded me of what is important. But honestly-I won’t do anything differently tomorrow.
The problem is that the keynoters were telling me how to live. They told great stories. They opened my heart. Yet they didn’t trigger me to see life in a new way. Nothing new emerged.
They tried to solve my problems for me. They tried to get me to behave differently. They disguised this advice-giving with pathos, passion and humor. I retold some of their stories. I laughed and cried again.
If the point was to enrich my life with good emotions, they succeeded. If the goal was to transform me into a new human being, they failed.
They failed because they didn’t allow me to think for myself.
Giving advice doesn’t allow for the profound shifts to occur, the shifts that lead to new connections in the brain and real behavioral change. A powerful question that doesn’t have a prescribed answer, that causes me to be a bit uncomfortable and connects me to my personal reality has a greater chance of changing my life than incredible advice and persuasion.
For example, one speaker asked the question, “Are you brave enough to choose what matters?” There is only one right answer to this question. I might yell, “Yes!” but the question doesn’t confront why I won’t do anything differently when I get home and face my email.
Instead, if he had asked, “What are you committed to now that stops you 
from doing what you know would matter more?” Or, “What is the price you are paying for staying on the path you are on?” Or, as I ask in Wander Woman, “What have you imprisoned that wants to be free?” – and then had people write their answers down and even talk about them with a partner – he would have had a more lasting effect on the audience.
Peter Block in his book, Community, suggests we replace advice-giving with curiosity. Whether you are presenting or conversing, if you seek to understand the person you are speaking to—what is important to them, what is stopping them, and what are they holding back—new perspective and possibilities will emerge. Then, if you engage them in conversation to explore what promises they are willing to make that will change their lives, you are truly helping them solve their problems and grow.
I saw Peter boldly do this last year with his keynote speech. He spoke, but over half of his time he gave to us to explore the powerful questions he asked. The standing ovation he received was both enthusiastic and heartfelt.
More than anything, people want to be seen and heard. Whether you address a group or an individual, when you see them instead of speak at them, they are more apt to see themselves in your eyes. In the moment the reflection is clear, truth appears. Are you helping people grow by engaging them in understanding or keeping them small by telling them what to do?
Consider this the next time you speak to a group, an employee, a client, child, friend, or lover. Then please share your experiences here.
Want to increase the power of your presentations? Join Marsh Engle and me in Sedona in September. We will be working with only 10 people in 2-day pre-conference workshop, Speak Your Power, to define your message, craft a speech and confidently deliver it on stage on Saturday at the Amazing Woman’s Day conference.
http://www.amazingwomansday.com/sedona.htm
Thanks Marcia, this is the most important blog post I’ve read lately about Professional Speaking. I’d love to see a discussion around this on VOE or in Speaker Magazine.
I did a Meet the Pros on this…not many people showed up but the ones who did fully understood the point. And I coached them on finding their own profound questions for their speeches. I will be talking more about this with speakers and we’ll see what we can create.
This is a fabulous post! It is sad when we count the number of hours we sit through great presentations only to return with nothing more than a burst of “feel good.” We need to quit spoon feeding our audiences and get them to move from inspiration to application by thinking on their own. Thanks for making US think~
Wow, Marcia, fantastic post! Indeed, asking questions that force us to dig inside ourselves and explore what’s really going on (past a “yes/no” answer) is so much more meaningful. I will certainly consider this for my next keynote or seminar. In an era where “expertise” is often mistaken for “know all the answers,” this “curiosity” approach puts the power squarely in the hands of the audience/attendee.
Thank you! I look forward to following your future posts!
Great post. Insightful. The content is music to my heart. No shallow pond, but a deep, blue ocean.
From self improvement via self celebration to ego releasing!
Thanks!
This post accomplished what you were hoping the “sages from the stages” did not… you got me to think and be curious about how I impact an audience. You are right… there is a fine line from giving advice and stirring the soul. Miss the later and you miss the point.
Thank you Marcia for such a timely post. I gave one and attended two ideation sessions which were facilitated discussions instead of presentations and got more out of them than any of the others. Why? Everyone in the room had a voice and shared what worked from their experiences. We used more minds to collaborate on new ideas rather than one person share their success.
The ideation sessions were the best. I have more takeaways and have had conversations that have helped right away.
I would expect to see the facilitative model be more well received than just keynotes. Just my opinion.
Gutsy, insightful – amd honest! How refreshing.
As a member of NSAA (down under here in Oz), I’ve really had enough of ego-driven speakers who love the sound of their own voice and come from ‘righteousness’ rather than sincere caring.
This attitude is evident not only from the content of their presentations but from their way of delivery and management of time. (I recently spoke at a conference where the CSP before me went 35 minutes overtime – to a crowd of bored, listless people who weren’t taking notes, asking questions or even maintaining eye contact with him.)
Let’s challenge people’s thinking and get them ‘comfortably disturbed’. Then we have a chance of doing what we say we want to do – making a real and positive change in people’s lives.
Thanks for the stimulating post Marcia. Cheers, Sandi Givens
Dear Marcia, This is where the pros shine. The keynotes are designed to awaken and shake you, The work you do on your own path happens now. Since the beginning of Professional speaking Keynotes are what make you laugh, cry and tell the stories. Seminars, breakouts, articles and coaching, books and relationships in NSA make things happen. We are all working in front of audiences to do different things. I am so sorry you were disappointed. My suggestion is to email those keynoters and ask for notes, guidelines, work sheets to help you.
Since 1979 my relationships in NSA are what made me make changes, grow and get good. Keep on the path and look in the bushes. There are some sweet berries in the brambles.
Marcia,
I truly believe “That the only difference between a rut and a grave is the length of stay.” Your post helped me realize that I have been engaged in “rut-like” behavior. Thanks for the kick in the pants. Dallas
Great observation Dallas. Thank you. We do have to re-invent, for ourselves and our audiences, or we won’t stay alive.
Marcia,
I don’t believe you can motivate anyone to do anything. All you can do is create an enviornment for people to motivate themselves, which is what I think you are talking about.
Ross
Well put. People do feel inspired by others, but the motivation to take action is different. There has to be a shift in perspective, desire, willingness and even courage…and the shift has to last over time. What will it take for a person to have that? This is what we “shift-makers” are trying to figure out.