How to Use Disgust to Connect With Others
I recently read an article that said a person’s measure of disgust demonstrates how rigid they are in what they call “morality” which leads to how they judge others. The more they felt disgusted by the actions of other humans, the more intolerant they were of people different from themselves and ideas outside of their view of the world.
This made total sense to me. The more you feel disgust, the more close-minded you are.
The beauty of the article was in the follow-on study where they paired the “disgusted people” with objects of their disgust. They objects of disgust were instructed to share stories about their families, their upbringing, their struggles and their joys.
The ending is totally predictable. When we listen to people’s stories, we realize how similar we all are. Disgust melts into empathy. Intolerance decreases.
So how can we use this information at home, in the workplace, in our neighborhoods and in creating a larger global community?
I am writing this post while sitting on an Asian airplane in Hong Kong, laying over until we take off for Singapore. On the way to China, the airplane was full of people different from me. They ate differently, disobeyed travel rules according to me, took up space differently than I and looked at me as if I were the alien. I wondered about the people as they disembarked the plane. If I knew the stories of my fellow travelers, I bet I would be fascinated, amused, heartbroken, delighted and in love.
When the plane emptied, the flight attendant came by, checked my passport
and slapped a sticker on me indicating I was “checked baggage” because I opted to stay on the plane and write instead of wander the Hong Kong airport at 5 o’clock Sunday morning. I chose to be amused rather than disgusted.
As I prepare to deliver a keynote to the Asia-Pacific Coaching Conference on the Mysteries of Interconnection, I will hold this energy. I honor our cultural differences, but I am more in awe of our human similarities. I think we first need to connect before we focus on how we differ.
And if you catch yourself feeling disgusted by someone, can you step back and think about what stories the person might share? What fears, dreams, hopes, and disappointments might they be experiencing? Or better yet, can you ask them?
How will you use this perspective today?
Marcia,
I so needed to read this and hear this message! Thanks for following your heart – to observe – to write – and to help us connect better. As I read, I felt all my angst just melt away as I tried to understand the “story” behind the action that got me upset in the first place. I will hold this message in my heart as I continue my journey. Again – Thank you!
Interesting blog thanks for this one. After living in Asia for quite a few years I too have learned to choose to accept difference as neither better nor worse (at least I try and succeed most of the time!).
I remember reading a paper (sorry I can’t find the reference) about how looks can be deceiving ie that penguins in a colony all look the same but have much wider genetic variation than humans who all look different!
I really enjoy your blogs Marcia – thanks
))
Warmest wishes from the Land of Smiles (also open to interpretation according to our cultural constraints of course – Thais smile when they are sad, angry, frustrated, confused…….oh yes, and when they are happy too
It’s so easy, isn’t it, to label a group and say “The Chinese/French/Australians…” are all so…
So when I feel I can’t tolerate the behavior of a stranger, whatever the ethnicity, I try to imagine that person in his/her underwear, having a fight with his/her spouse, which helps me to realize that this person might also be sad and have their problems, and that maybe their (to me) intolerable behavior is simply their way to deal with things close to their hearts.
(how do you like my choice of personal pronouns?!)
I once saw a man cut in front of a grocery line. Everyone was angry. Then he turned around, apologized and said his wife was just put in the hospital and he was hoping to get their quickly. Everyone stepped aside for him. We quickly change our minds about people when we see them as humans struggling. I like your exercise Lee, it does the same thing without having to know what the struggles are.
Such a lovely thoughtful post Marcia. How quick I am to judge…yet how I hate being judged so quickly.
Blessings, Christine
I guess the cultural difference for me comes through in that you’d decide to stay on a plane rather than experience one of the world’s top 3 airports.
I love Changi in Singapore as a stop-over, and have heard great things about Hong Kong. (Check in early at Singapore for a jet-lag busting massage – you can book them in advance I think)