I decided to ease up on my social media schedule the past month, so please forgive my silence.

Additionally, I did not have Internet in my room, so I could only read email during breakfast and after dinner. When I finally settled into this routine, it felt so civilized.

Class didn’t start until 10:00 am, even when I taught on-site at a bank. So every morning I had the time and space to wake up after a nice sleep, get in an hour of exercise, watch the news while I dressed for the day, and then call Karl on Skype and answer my email while I ate a full, healthy breakfast. It felt so civilized.

The classes were so refreshing. Everyone was interested in learning. No one checked their email during class. We had great conversations at break and lunch. A few who spoke English connected with me on LinkedIn and Facebook so we could continue learning together in the future at leisure from home. Now that’s civilized.

When I released the need to get more done faster, the need to fill in my time with work and the need to stay on top of everything, I was more effective at what I chose to focus on. And I felt full of energy all day long. Shouldn’t that be our definition of higher civilization?

Working from 10 – 6, or even 9-7 if you include reading email is far more civilized than my normal 5am-hit-the-ground-running until I am too tired to read the computer screen.

It made me wonder if our civilization isn’t crumbling because we cannot enjoy the lives we work so hard to create. We are so buried under “have to’s” and  commitments it’s hard to get a perspective on what is truly important. We don’t see what we miss until it is in the rear view mirror.

One of my clients told me she is always shifting at least five priorities at a time. Shouldn’t the definition of “priority” mean there is only one thing on top? We choose that one thing until we have time for the next priority.

I’ve had a lot to do since I came home but I’m trying to maintain some sense of civility in my life. Hopefully, I’ll add more value to my coaching, writing and dreaming by being more present to each task.

How can you live a more civilized life today?

Pattie has been responsible for Fortune’s Most Powerful Women list since 1998. Over the years, she has interviewed the most successful and powerful women in the United States. They all seem to wince at the word power until she had a second interview with Oprah Winfrey.

In her first interview, Oprah swore she didn’t like the idea of being powerful. Three years later, she changed her mind.

Pattie explained that generally when people speak about power, they are referring to the male view of “power over others” or getting people to do what you want them to do.

Oprah told her that when she realized her power was to”have an impact with purpose,” then she fell in love with the idea of being powerful.

Power over others is vertical, looking down on them.

Power as impact is horizontal, influencing the world outward from where we stand.

Are you a woman of impact? Whether you are impacting your family, your work group, your community or the world, you are wielding your power. The more you accept that you are powerful, the more good you can do.

And when we embrace our power, we are better able to empower other women.

Let’s redefine power so we can love it, claim it and use it whole-heartedly.

I might have considered putting Controller on the list but there are elements of control in the Queen, Commander and Superstar archetypes combined with some positive behaviors. Yet being a Control Freak can yield good results in some circumstances, right?

I know that in order to climb the corporate ladder as quickly as I did in my younger years, I had to take charge of things from time to time and make sure work was done correctly. The same goes for my own business. I better like being in control if I want to be successful as a solopreneur.

As with most strengths, there is a dark side of abundance. The same goes for being a Controller. When other people should be included in a project or decision, if their ideas are silenced or shot down, they lose motivation and often feel resentful. Eventually they think, “Why bother, you are going to do what you want anyway.” Resistance falls away and we Controllers go happily on our way thinking we are doing the right thing.

The problem is that we often don’t know we are being overly controlling. We justify our behavior thinking we are being efficient, time-sensitive or just plain right. This can yield great results yet hurt relationships.

And what happens if you get sick or called away to do something else? No one else can do your work well because you maintained such a tight control over what gets done and what decisions are made.

I am considering adding Controller to the archetype list. Would you have to circle this word if I asked you to identify your dominant behavioral patterns? How would you know this is you?

Please share the signs you have come to realize that signify you are in Control Freak mode. This will help us all make better decisions about who we should include in the moment.

If you feel you suffer from chronic Control Freak behavior, you might want to check out the book, The Control Freak Revolution by Cheryl Cran. Let me know what you learn.

However, discovering your unique, value-creating capacity is not that easy. You may devalue your core contribution by thinking that what you do naturally is not that great. Or you don’t spend time developing your unique potential when you are busy doing other things, like surviving or focusing on what you think you should be doing.

Larry says this truth applies to organizations as well as to individuals. People who run companies forget what formed their core identity, leaving the employees little to align their efforts around and hitch their passion to. Everyone should know what made the organization distinctive from the beginning and what special contribution they provide in the form of products or services. And they should be proud of this unique value proposition.

The Exercise

Step 1. One way of beginning to discover your “proprietary contribution” is to list your eight most important achievements in life. Start with as far back as you can remember. What are you most proud of from your grade school days? What special thing did you do as a young adult? What amazing things did you create or overcome in the past twenty years?

Put your accomplishments on index cards or PostIt™ notes, one per note. Then arrange them in a circle.

Step 2. Can you find the thread or theme that fits for each accomplishment? Look for the energy it took for you to reach your goals or the desire that fueled your sustainability. What circumstances were similar in each situation? Can you discover one strength, value, feeling or attitude for each achievement?

Step 3. Give your force a name or label. It could be as large as “breaking boundaries” or as sweet as “making connections.” See what comes up when you connect your dots.

This thread is your life force. When you express this thread, you achieve amazing things. If this thread is suppressed, you feel trapped or numb.

This life force is fundamental to your success in life. It forms the foundation of who you are. It gives you the power to stay on track no matter what.

This force never changes. You might express your identity differently in different situations and times in your life, but this energy and the need to express it is consistent.

What is your life force?

This is a simple exercise to introduce you to Larry’s work. If you like this exercise, check out www.theidentitycircle.com.

This made total sense to me. The more you feel disgust, the more close-minded you are.

The beauty of the article was in the follow-on study where they paired the “disgusted people” with objects of their disgust. They objects of disgust were instructed to share stories about their families, their upbringing, their struggles and their joys.

The ending is totally predictable. When we listen to people’s stories, we realize how similar we all are. Disgust melts into empathy. Intolerance decreases.

So how can we use this information at home, in the workplace, in our neighborhoods and in creating a larger global community?

I am writing this post while sitting on an Asian airplane in Hong Kong, laying over until we take off for Singapore. On the way to China, the airplane was full of people different from me. They ate differently, disobeyed travel rules according to me, took up space differently than I and looked at me as if I were the alien. I wondered about the people as they disembarked the plane. If I knew the stories of my fellow travelers, I bet I would be fascinated, amused, heartbroken, delighted and in love.

When the plane emptied, the flight attendant came by, checked my passport and slapped a sticker on me indicating I was “checked baggage” because I opted to stay on the plane and write instead of wander the Hong Kong airport at 5 o’clock Sunday morning. I chose to be amused rather than disgusted.

As I prepare to deliver a keynote to the Asia-Pacific Coaching Conference on the Mysteries of Interconnection, I will hold this energy. I honor our cultural differences, but I am more in awe of our human similarities. I think we first need to connect before we focus on how we differ.

And if you catch yourself feeling disgusted by someone, can you step back and think about what stories the person might share? What fears, dreams, hopes, and disappointments might they be experiencing? Or better yet, can you ask them?

How will you use this perspective today?

In my resistance to be the person everyone expected me to be, I ran down a dark path of drug abuse that landed me in jail. I could have fallen deeper, feeling I had failed those who loved me and ruined my chances at a successful life. One of my cellmates turned me back in the right direction.

She did this by helping me see who I am separate from what I do.

This may seem like a clear distinction but when I ask those who attend my programs to make their own lists describing who they are, they act confused. I often get responses like, “I’m a good parent.” Or, “People like to work with me.” I then I have to coach the person to tell me what makes them a good parent or what attracts people to them.

I ask if they are patient, caring, smart, funny, inclusive, inspiring, reliable, generous, courageous, compassionate, passionate, or kind? They struggle with finding the answer, and then most are embarrassed to speak the words aloud.

Who are you seems to be a difficult question to answer.

Yet knowing who you are at your best is important to calling up these aspects when you are faced with difficult situations.

* When I remind myself of who I am, I have the strength to face my fears and worries.
* When I show up as the best of who I am, people are more drawn to me.
* When I acknowledge myself at the end of the day for who I was as well as what I accomplished, I feel more fulfilled.

Here’s an exercise I heard from a friend at the National Speakers Association conference last week. Name two people you most admire. Write down the traits that you admire in them. List at least ten traits that define who these people are.

Now consider that the traits you most admire in others reflect what you most like about yourself. These traits make up who you are at your best.

You might feel that you want to be more of some of these traits. If so, what’s stopping you from being more ___________? What will you do to give this part of you more expression in your life?

When you claim who you are and truly show up as your best self, you will not only succeed with greater ease, you will end your day feeling more content with your life.

I encourage you to do the exercise and then list ten traits that define WHO you are at your best in a comment to this blog post. Declaring these traits in public will help you more confidently claim and live as the wonderful person you truly are.

A number of people questioned the justification for defining a female-specific model. As Mike Henry Sr. asked, “Wouldn’t any leader regardless of gender be perceived to be a good leader if they had the same qualities?” These people said the model should portray a balance, as Katie Snapp said, ” … focusing on the female traits of compassion, inspiration, empathy and collaboration combined with more-masculine traits of bottom-line thinking, focus, directness and healthy competition.”

Offering another perspective, Dr. Christine McDougall says there is something good about accepting different models of leadership for men and women. She says, “We are not the same by nature, nor should we aspire to be.” McDougall believes that if men and women can stand side-by-side as co-leaders, honoring each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities with “…no shame, blame or righteousness” we will model great leadership.

Honestly, after years of NOT wanting to be recognized for my gender while working in male-dominated corporations, I have come to appreciate my feminine qualities and recognize the strength they bring to my work. I like that we honor our brilliant differences!

Therefore, even though I had many responses claiming a “one-size-fits-all” model of leadership should be set out for men and women, I still think it is good to identify the qualities that women can aspire to be as leaders building on the innate strengths they bring to the table.

Naomi Caietti shared this quote from the Corporate Gender Gap Report 2010 based on a survey of 600 of the heads of Human Resources at the world’s largest employers, “… the idea that most corporations have become gender-balanced or women-friendly is still a myth.” They cite the lack of female role models as one of the top three barriers to women’s rise to positions of senior leadership.

The question remains: Is a role model a position, a person or a way of being?

There were some women mentioned as role models, including Carol Tome, the CFO of Home Depot; Sandra Bullock for her graceful handling of her recent life chaos; and a chorus of incredible sisters, daughters, mothers and business partners. The entries were a great testament to the women who take charge with strength and grace. Thanks to Debbie Brown, Joyce Lansky, Lee Wennerberg and Susan Steinbrecher for their heartfelt contributions.

The winning entries, according to me, were from Frances Flynn Thorsen and Caroline Ryan. You can either read their original submissions here (scroll down to the comments) or read the synopsis in the Huffington Post article (scroll down to the shaded area). Both of these women profiled a real woman in a leadership role, identifying the behaviors she demonstrates and recognizing the mindset she has that makes her so remarkable.

Do we need to honor our models of female leadership or seek one model for all? I believe we can do both, but never forget what wonderful qualities men and women have to offer as we stand as different genders, side-by-side.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and teaches leadership around the world. Check out the thoughtful reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

I did the best I could with the skills, knowledge, and available time I had to accomplish my goal—be an Amazon bestselling author on June 15^th, the day I launched Wander Woman.

As the day approached, I vacillated between excitement, trepidation, and pain; my back was killing me as I sat for hours at the computer blogging, tweeting, requesting, begging, and thanking.

On the day of the launch, I woke up to find my book was #95 in Personal Transformation books. This is a tough category to master with the likes of The Secret, The 4-Hour Workweek and The Last Lecture. I would love to stand with these books, but making it to number one seemed impossible.

I watched the computer as if it were the weather channel following a hurricane. Every hour, my ranking climbed. With every climb, my heart leaped, for a moment. Then I was quickly comparing my book to the one ahead of me, determining what it would take to jump ahead.

By 2:00, I hit #12. At 3:00 it was still #12. At 4:00, nothing changed. In fact, my overall ranking was starting to decrease. I figured the game was over. It was a respectable result. My cheerleaders applauded. But true to form as a high-achiever, I was disappointed.

Then at 9:00 I checked before I went to bed (I was exhausted!). Wander Woman hit #9 and #1 in hot new releases in Personal Transformation. Again, my heart leaped! I made the top ten!

By morning, a friend emailed me and asked, “Are you happy?” I didn’t want to lie, so I put the email aside. I had dropped to #10. The climb was fun, but it didn’t meet my high standards and expectations.

Then I read this email from a woman I had never met before:

I have searched high and low for a book that would help me sort out my situation….the constant need to be challenged, the burning urge to feel fully utilized on the job, the inevitable fleeing when the job ultimately disappoints. I’ve dragged my family all over the world, I’ve gotten high level degrees to ensure I could find my dream job, and yet that nagging feeling of boredom and disappointment perseveres! I’ve read all the Deepak Chopra and branding books I can stomach. I’ve memorized the secrets of highly successful people, I still don’t know what color my parachute is, and I would say someone really has moved my cheese!

This is the first book that speaks directly to me. It’s about understanding who I am, why I act the way I do, and using that knowledge to shape my future. Instead of trying to mold me into a corporate automaton, you helped me see my pitfalls and adapt to the rest of the world. Finally there is hope for me!

You have no idea how much this book means to me. How you could understand my struggle so well is absolutely beyond me, but I am so grateful that you do.

I remembered why I wrote the book. I can get brief emotional satisfaction from a good accomplishment (and maybe not even that if I don’t make #1), but when I remember how I’m touching people’s lives, the feelings are deeper and lasting.

Of course, true again to my high-achieving ways, I found a place on Amazon where I could request that I be ranked in a second category. I chose Women and Business–Management and Leadership books. Not only is it a more relevant category for Wander Woman, my ranking on Thursday would have been #1.

Amazon gave it to me but said it would take up to three days to post.

On Friday after watching my ranking slip in Personal Transformation, I turned off the computer and went for a massage. Saturday I realized my disappointment had turned into a mild depression. I let myself cry until I felt better. Then I mindlessly caught up on work until it was time to go to dinner.

We stopped at the Borders near the restaurant. They had four copies of Wander Woman on the shelf! I signed them and beamed through dinner.

But the goal is not the number. It is the impact, right? I kept reading the email from my new fan to remind myself.

By chance I checked the Amazon page on Sunday. There it was. Wander Women hit #1 in Management and Leadership books for women in business! I can now call myself a bestselling author.

In truth, the goal for me is the impact—that I will touch women in many powerful ways—and it is the number. I like being number one. And being a bestselling author is a dream I have held since I was a little girl.

I am working on focusing on the impact, but I’m not sure I will rewire my brain in this lifetime.

Thank you to everyone who bought the book, cheered me on and held my hand. What a wild ride.

Do you have a similar story of accomplishment to share?

1. We are intelligent beings astute at creating excuses for not remembering what we know.
2. Every human is an artist. We create our lives every day. We are angry, depressed and frustrated when we think we can’t create. Instead of striving to end your suffering, what will shift you into feeling creative?
3. Truth exists with or without us. We don’t create it; we see it when we choose to clear away the fog of fear and the superstitions someone told us to believe. Then open your heart with love before you ask the question, “What do I know to be true, really?”
4. Change who you believe you are and your world and the story you tell about it changes.
5. We should not tell other people what their story should be. Instead, inspire them to be their own beautiful story.
6. Your physical body is a biological machine. It gets sick, it breaks down, it is attacked by viruses and bacteria and it eventually dies. The only thing you are responsible for is to stay as healthy as you can. You did not attract and are not responsible for everything else that happens by nature. But remember… What happens in your body is truth. How you deal with it—what happens in your mind—is choice.
7. The best you can do in relationships is to respect others and do not tell lies. This goes for how parents should relate to their children as well.
8. Celebrate life. Your heart is drumming in this celebration. Let your mind sing in harmony to the beat.
9. Do not mourn death. If you are around someone dying, they will most likely ask you to stay happy and appreciate the life you have. Honor their request.

And my favorite insight from the day…

10. As a coach and teacher, I am responsible for what I tell you. I am not responsible for what you understand.

You may have heard most of these pearls from someone along the way. Yet, as don Miguel said, we brilliantly forget what we know. So when your intelligent brain works against you, what will you do to remember?

Please post here the bits of wisdom you have heard or read that you love and what you do to remember to live by them.

I want to share with you my experience touring the new Musical Instruments Museum in Phoenix, Arizona. It is the world’s first museum to display instruments from around the world–over 10,000–with video clips at each station showing locals playing their music.

There is a rich diversity of sound. Yet the museum brings all cultures together as you experience something common to us all–people sharing their stories, their passions and their expression of life through music.

The slogan of the museum is, “Music is the language of the soul.” No matter what language we speak, we can come to honor each other through singing, dancing and appreciating the glorious sounds we make.

Three things stood out to me:

1. Music is a way we share our stories. Lyrics inform us of the past, instruct us about the present, and help us dream about the future. Music is also a great avenue for people to mock what they feel is wrong with their world. We can learn so much about others by listening to their music.

2. Dancing seems to be a human trait. I know some religions do not allow dancing. I think this is a shame. I loved watching the videos of people dancing to their music around the world, whether in ritual or play. Dancing is a part of this global language of the soul.

3. Music touches us on a deep level, affecting our emotions and attitudes. I know this to be true from my studies on the brain. Music can heal, help us learn, and take us away from our daily worries. It also enhances every experience, even while shopping.

Don’t be too busy today to listen to some music even if it is in the background while you work. If you have a special piece that touches your soul, please share it here.