A colleague of mine had an opportunity to coach a famous couple. We talked about possible issues and approaches that would be significant for them. I felt we covered the bases.

Then I had a dream that night where I was coaching a couple. The conversation turned to balance. I woke clearly remembering what I shared with them. I’m not sure if I pulled this out of the recesses of my brain or if these thoughts are divinely inspired, but here is what I watched myself saying (with details added to make sense of dream talk)….

Every relationship starts out with a particular balance. This doesn’t mean equality. The balance is the agreement made between two people (often unspoken). It’s the psychological contract that builds trust.

The elements of the balance include the obvious things such as finances, household chores, child rearing, vacation time and time spent with the in-laws. The less obvious agreements include amount and substance of communication, shows of affection, support for personal problems, contribution to joint problems, honoring personal time and space, and involvement in business decisions.

This balance sets up the expectations in the relationship. Everything is fine while the balance is maintained.

If one person in the relationship changes the balance, or one person accepted a balance they didn’t like, there will be problems. Surrender turns into resentment over time.

Even if the elements of the relationship shift, the balance must be maintained, as if you are on a see-saw. I recently had a female client who was the breadwinner of the house lose her job. Her husband asked if he could spend time building his business before she took another position. This meant a shift in everything in their relationship, from household chores to personal time to involvement in business decisions. They needed to work out all the elements in the changing nature of their relationship.

The shift in the balance could be as big as a job change or as small as a change in your exercise schedule. The balance is disrupted every time you face a personal issue that you are struggling to resolve or a hidden desire that starts coming to the surface.

The only way to maintain this balance is through communication. We have expectations and desires anyway so you might as well put them out on the table and see if the balance can be made.

End of dream. How about that for insight! So the question remains, how do you create this balance?

In my first book, Capture the Rapture: How to Step Out of Your Head and Leap into Life, I outlined a method to “covision a relationship.” Whether you are working out the balance in your personal relationship or your work team, the process applies. Here are the steps in a nutshell:

Step 1.  Clarify Assumptions. Each person privately writes down what they expect to occur. The more details, the better. What is the picture of a week in your life together?

Step 2. Determine Your Measures of Success. Write the top three things you feel would be terrible to happen. Examples include, “problems get huge before they’re discussed,” and “money is spent without approval.” Under the second column, write the top three things you feel you must have to make the partnership work for you. An example might be, “we have a deep conversation at least twice a week.”

Step 3. Take turns reading your visions and lists aloud. Don’t argue points. Listen with respect.

Step 4. Construct a Covision. If there’s no disagreement, you’re home free. If you collide on an issue, take the time to work out your differences. If possible, go for a win-win approach, a solution that meets everyone’s needs.

Step 5. Make it Happen. Agree to actions to make your picture a reality.

Step 6. Toast the masterpiece you composed together.

Step 7.  Agree this balance will change over time.

Successful relationships depend not only on a balance, but communicating through shifts in the balance. Make it a habit to discuss and negotiate changing expectations regularly with everyone in your life to maintain a foundation of agreement and respect.

The level of risk in any situation is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

Sunday I decided to pay attention to my actions. If I were to give anyone advice about following the mountain trail, I wanted to be clear on the steps I took. While doing so, I realized that the steps for making my hike safe and enjoyable were also good lessons for my business.

First, to get to the top of the first peak, I have to make my way up a crevice near the top. This means I have to rely on my arm strength to pull me up as I find foot holes for balance. Before I move my feet, I have to make sure my grasp is solid. The rocks I am holding onto can’t be loose.

Lesson #1: Before making a risky move, make sure you have something solid to hold onto—facts, plans, friends, and a vision can help.

Second, if I choose to run down the mountains, I find it actually easier and faster to lean forward instead of back. I can see the ground. My motion is more fluid. I’m not putting as much pressure on my joints than if I were to lean backward.

Lesson #2: Instead of relaxing, pick up speed when your tasks are easier. This is your chance to make up time; carving out free time for later. Stay as focused on what you are doing as if you were under pressure; don’t give in to the urge multitask.

Third, there are many forks in the road to choose from. Sometimes the one that looks scarier at the start is the one that has the best path to the top. If I only act by habit, I miss opportunities.

Lesson #3: Don’t just stay on the path you are on. You have to periodically reinvent both your business and your strategy to stay alive in the marketplace. Look around for other paths that might work better now. Test the paths out…know where they go before you say no to a new way.

Fourth, don’t go off the path just because you think it’s a good shortcut (another path is okay, but getting off track is wasteful). Shortcuts never work. I end up with rocks in my socks and cuts from thorny bushes. I often have to backtrack when I find myself facing a brambled wash that could be shelter for a rattlesnake.

Lesson #4: It’s easy to be distracted by promises of easy success or the lure of something you’d rather do than your work.

Fifth, bring more water than you think you need. Wear the right clothing for the weather. Take a friend along to enjoy the journey and to help if something goes wrong.

Lesson #5: If you prepare well, you decrease the risk.

Have a productive, enjoyable and risky week!

A number of people questioned the justification for defining a female-specific model. As Mike Henry Sr. asked, “Wouldn’t any leader regardless of gender be perceived to be a good leader if they had the same qualities?” These people said the model should portray a balance, as Katie Snapp said, ” … focusing on the female traits of compassion, inspiration, empathy and collaboration combined with more-masculine traits of bottom-line thinking, focus, directness and healthy competition.”

Offering another perspective, Dr. Christine McDougall says there is something good about accepting different models of leadership for men and women. She says, “We are not the same by nature, nor should we aspire to be.” McDougall believes that if men and women can stand side-by-side as co-leaders, honoring each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities with “…no shame, blame or righteousness” we will model great leadership.

Honestly, after years of NOT wanting to be recognized for my gender while working in male-dominated corporations, I have come to appreciate my feminine qualities and recognize the strength they bring to my work. I like that we honor our brilliant differences!

Therefore, even though I had many responses claiming a “one-size-fits-all” model of leadership should be set out for men and women, I still think it is good to identify the qualities that women can aspire to be as leaders building on the innate strengths they bring to the table.

Naomi Caietti shared this quote from the Corporate Gender Gap Report 2010 based on a survey of 600 of the heads of Human Resources at the world’s largest employers, “… the idea that most corporations have become gender-balanced or women-friendly is still a myth.” They cite the lack of female role models as one of the top three barriers to women’s rise to positions of senior leadership.

The question remains: Is a role model a position, a person or a way of being?

There were some women mentioned as role models, including Carol Tome, the CFO of Home Depot; Sandra Bullock for her graceful handling of her recent life chaos; and a chorus of incredible sisters, daughters, mothers and business partners. The entries were a great testament to the women who take charge with strength and grace. Thanks to Debbie Brown, Joyce Lansky, Lee Wennerberg and Susan Steinbrecher for their heartfelt contributions.

The winning entries, according to me, were from Frances Flynn Thorsen and Caroline Ryan. You can either read their original submissions here (scroll down to the comments) or read the synopsis in the Huffington Post article (scroll down to the shaded area). Both of these women profiled a real woman in a leadership role, identifying the behaviors she demonstrates and recognizing the mindset she has that makes her so remarkable.

Do we need to honor our models of female leadership or seek one model for all? I believe we can do both, but never forget what wonderful qualities men and women have to offer as we stand as different genders, side-by-side.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and teaches leadership around the world. Check out the thoughtful reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Always being right not only hurts your relationships, but it is also a heavy responsibility to bear. You have to work harder to discount other people’s ideas than if you just looked for the value in their suggestions.

Yet, because “being the one who knows” is foundational to your sense of self, you may feel uncomfortable letting go of this persona. The practice is worth it — life is so much easier and healthier when you don’t have to be right.

Opening my mind to the possibility that someone else could come up with a useful idea was a breakthrough in my relationship with my former boss. I was complaining to my coach about how my boss disrespected me by forcing me to accept his ideas without hearing mine when she explained,

“He is doing his best with the amount of light he has; his light is small while yours is large. But he is doing his best with what he has.”

I loved that explanation until she added, “Now, you have the responsibility to model what big light looks like.”

I knew she was right. If I was truly “the person who knows better” then I had to slow down my negative reactions to his contrary ideas.

Funny thing—when I quieted my defensive mind enough to hear him out, I found some interesting kernels in what he proposed. When I began acknowledging his ideas, he in turn asked to hear mine, which he then praised.

That’s when I realized that two people who like to be right will never have a satisfying discussion until one of them lowers the wall.

Here’s my challenge to you…let someone else be right this week on something that matters to you. You can offer another point of view, but only after you acknowledge that their perception has value. Let me know what happens.

Taken from Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction, to be released June 15th. You can reply to this post at www.BurdenofGreatness.com

I called my brother in San Francisco who has had a continual problem with raccoons breaking in through his cat door. He said there was nothing I could do except to pay for a very expensive door that had a sensor and acted like a garage door. The steel in the door was so thick you would think we were keeping thieves from breaking into a safe.

I said, “Isn’t there an easier way?”

He said they had tried everything. “No matter what you try short of this door, the raccoons will figure it out. Think about it, you might spend an hour a day trying to solve this problem. The raccoons have all day to figure out how to bypass your tricks.”

It’s not that the raccoons are smarter than me, I think. They have more time to focus on the issue than I do.

Isn’t this true for anything you do? If you want to improve your influencing skills, you have to spend time being mindful of your communications and practicing each day. If you want to build your social networking presence, you have to commit at least an hour a day to conversing with your communities. If you want to have more energy, you need to focus on what will make you healthier.

What are you going to focus on today? Set an intention in the morning then acknowledge what you’ve done at night. Put your own tricks into play to keep your focus. And if you have a good one, please share it here or comment on the blog.

When I checked into the hotel, I was disappointed that I would be spending a week far from the city center with snow expected almost every day. I was teaching a leadership class so I would have little time to explore the city. The view out my window was populated by bare trees and a distant skyline.

Yet inside, something amazing was happening. High school children were laughing, sharing laptop screens and loudly debating in many different languages. The excitement in their eyes was enticing. This wasn’t a soccer team or random tourist group. They dressed in suits and carried their laptops with purpose.

MUN students after a long day

They were in The Hague for the MUN–Model United Nations. If you don’t know, the Hague is not only the seat of government for the Netherlands (Amsterdam is the capital but the government sits here), it is the judicial capital of the United Nations, where war criminals are tried and international disputes are arbitrated, hopefully. It is also known as the International City of Peace and Justice.

The Hague Model United Nations is the oldest and largest high school United Nations simulation in the world, gathering 4000 students from over 200 secondary schools across the globe. Students research a country, take on roles as diplomats, investigate international issues, debate, deliberate, consult, and then develop solutions to world problems.

How cool is that? I watched these kids interact for a week, literally having the times of their lives. If our future world leaders were in their midst, I felt both energized and hopeful.

I think it rubbed off. I taught a leadership class to the heads of terminal operations in a shipping company, one that had experienced many cuts and layoffs in the past year. Yet we all left the week feeling energized and hopeful.

I realized that seeing the spirit in the eyes of a child is both uplifting and inspiring.

Maybe the best way of coping with today’s problems is to focus on the possibilities in the future, the innovative ideas of the young (and young-at-heart), and the health of the planet we will soon entrust to them.

I now have an entirely new view of teenagers. I think I’ll go find one to mentor.

He said, “What is the name of your book?” I told him Wander Woman.

He then asked, “And how do you spend much of your time?”

I said, “Traveling around the world.”

I knew what was coming, “Then why don’t you bring your readers with you on your travels? You’re a Wander Woman. Carry your Flip video with you in your purse so you can let your readers wander with you.”

Two days later, I was on a plane to Richmond, Virginia to speak to a combined meeting of the local chapters of the National Speakers Association and the International Coach Federation. I had the great fortune to run into a delightful women in a bathroom in the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina. Let me share her with you.

http://tinyurl.com/yj6lrln

In the next few months, I will be in Europe, Mexico, around the United States, and possibly in India and Indonesia. I’m considering some questions I want to ask in each place to see if people have different answers. Do you have any suggestions? I look forward to taking you with me.

I hope not.

Instead consider, “What do I want to create next year?” You are full of gifts, capacity, intelligence, skills and love—you have everything you need to declare a new and exciting promise for yourself.

Peter Block, in his book Community: The Structure of Belonging, lists out a number of questions that can help you create a new context for seeing yourself and how you participate in the world. Here are a few questions to spark your mental circuitry:

• What is the “yes” you no longer mean? What do you want to say “yes” to instead?
• What is the gift you are holding in exile? What commitment to your gift are you willing to make?
• What is the positive feedback you receive that still surprises you? How can you share this gift more often?
• What could you do if you truly felt free?
• What are the new conversations you would like to create?

Now, picture next year based on what is possible for you. Please share it here if you are willing to make your declaration public.

There are many more mind-rattling questions in Peter’s book. I recommend the book both for personal transformation as well as for team and community development.

It’s time we change the conversations to be more generative than deficiency-based. Want to join me in this exploration?

Really, less happy than my mother? I don’t think so.

I believe the research is flawed in that it uses happiness as a general rating without breaking down the factors that define what women need to feel “happy.”

In my research with women in the workplace, I find that women are often frustrated and disappointed at the inconsistent recognition for their achievements and the lack of frequent, new challenges to keep their minds and talents engaged. Yet these emotions don’t stack up to a general unhappiness.

When I asked my research participants to share one thing they would like to have more of in life, most of the comments centered on wanting more “peace of mind, contentment, a sense of purpose, serenity and spiritual connection.” Out of 100 respondents, NONE said they wanted to be more happy.

I believe that strong, active women are happy with the opportunities life now offers them. They are restless, busy and even exhausted at the end of the day, but they wouldn’t give up their lives to replicate what women had 40 years ago. They may be disappointed that their goals are harder to reach than they had expected, but they would rather have too many choices to deal with than feel restricted as our mothers did.

My mother was angry most of her life. Then she gave up and mentally checked out. She never had the opportunity to live up to her potential and achieve her goals. This is a picture of unhappiness. I may be working way too hard to achieve what she could not, but I am grateful and happy that I am living now and not 4o years ago.

There are some good tips in Buckingham’s book. You can find many of these in articles he is sharing around the Internet (Google Find Your Strongest Life). I just don’t care for the view that we are unhappy and unaware of our strengths. I believe the subtitle for my book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction (to be released next June) better defines what is missing for today’s working women. Notice that I didn’t say “find happiness and personal power.” It’s time books for women recognize that we have evolved and quit comparing, defining, and judging us against our mother’s generation.

We are not the weaker sex. We are not depressed and unsure of our abilities. We need to unite and tell people who we are as strong, passionate women today and what we really need. Help me forward this message to clear up this misunderstanding.

Anyone can prevent getting sucked into all the ugliness of the workplace and stop the negative spiral. Here are some of the topics:

• Learn to manage those spoiled brats in the office.
• Know how to dump entitlement attitudes.
• Get a grip on office politics, the grapevine, and dress codes.
• What to do if you’re laid off and need to find a job.
• Quick tips on dumping the anxiety when you give a presentation.
• Use social networks to grow your business.
• Survival tools for the meetings that are time wasters.
• How obesity affects the job.

Obviously, no subject is sacred. And if anything on this list pushes your buttons, even more reason to look into what she has to say.

Marsha blends years of experience teaching these techniques with interviews with key business leaders. In the end, how you respond in times of trouble ultimately makes the difference between success and failure.

Visit http://www.ReactorFactorBook.com where you can connect with Barnes and Noble.com , Borders.com, Books a Million, Amazon.com.

Send confirmation of the book purchase and receive a complimentary download of Toxic People – Decontaminate Difficult People Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape book on tape, The CEO of YOU: Leading Yourself to Success e-book and a PDF containing  25 of Marsha’s most popular articles. Great value! Toxic People is a #1 Barnes & Noble best seller and featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, WorkWise, Reuers, and more!

Happy reading!