Second, I’ve been reflecting on how best I can serve you with this blog. I thought refining my focus would help me find the inspiration to write while giving you useful ideas and perspective.

I decided to base this blog on what shows up as “The Theme of the Week” when I’m teaching or coaching. There always seems to be one major theme that shows up for all my coaching clients on specific days. It is often carried over into my teaching.

The theme of this week was Making Major Life Decisions. This is a common theme for my clients since I attract Wanderers.

You make decisions all day long, many of them unconscious based on your past experiences, such as what to do first when you first wake up and what steps you take to drive your car out of the driveway. Other decisions require some deliberation, such as what clothing to wear or what street to turn onto.

Your major life and work decisions are more time-consuming, brain-confusing and scary enough to make a normally-confident woman feel as if she has gone mad.

The problem is that you want to make “the right decision.” Most likely, there is no possible way for you to know at this moment what will happen to you in the future regardless of what choice you make.

The only data you have is what you know to be true and how you feel about each choice RIGHT NOW. Everything else is speculation that may or may not come true.

Most of the decisions my clients bring to me relate to job or career choices. Most often, their current situation is tolerable if not good. Otherwise the choice would be easy. Therefore, the new option they are facing has some benefits today and paints a cool possibility for the future.

It’s the future possibility that messes with your mind. There is no way of knowing if this will be the chance of a lifetime or a big mistake.

Regardless, your decision-making is a crap shoot. There are pros and cons for each decision. Therefore, contrary to what a lot of coaches would do, I ask my clients to go to the dark side instead of focusing on the best possibilities.

First, let me say that it is likely that no decision will be wrong. You struggle most with decisions that offer two or more good options. Your angst with leaving a bad option is another issue altogether.

Therefore, when you can’t make a choice among good options, know that whatever you choose will turn out alright. You may have regrets for what you didn’t choose but that’s life. The more we age, the more regrets we can count up even when the decision we made was the best at the time. So my first question is:

1. Which choice will leave you with more regrets?

If the answer isn’t clear, I ask:

2. Looking at each choice, how difficult will it be to move on if it doesn’t work out? There is always another step beyond your current choice. Consider your choice as a part of the path instead of the destination.

3. If you had no choice and had to leave what you are doing today, would you be grateful for the new opportunity or just relieved to have the choice made for you? New opportunities are not necessarily gifts or omens sent by the universe. They show up when you do good work. You are not being ungrateful if you turn down an opportunity. You will get more offers in the future.

4. Which choice could leave you feeling more lonely, really? Although you may be offered a fabulous new challenge, you want to make sure your support system is intact regardless. It is easier to deal with disappointments when you have family, friends and a coach to reach out to. However, remember that you can deal with loneliness most anywhere so don’t use this as an excuse to relax your fear. Be realistic with this answer; it’s important.

No decision will be perfect. Most decisions seem to work out in the end. You aren’t crazy. You are blessed to have options for your life. So make your choice and hang on for the ride. You could be facing a similar decision next year.

He didn’t live to fit into the system. He lived to create what he thought was possible.

Quoting Stewart Brand, editor of the Whole Earth catalog, Jobs told the Stanford graduating class to “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.” How can you live by these wise words especially in times of economic problems and dark omens of the future?

For me, the most significant word is not hungry or foolish, but “stay.”

No person has accomplished great things without a passion for their work and strong beliefs that what they are doing is right and good for many.

And even with passion and conviction, there has to be endurance. I recently heard education expert Sir Ken Robinson say, “We live in a veil of beliefs and values.” If your life’s work is about lifting the veil so others can see the beauty of what else is possible, then you need to know how to persist even when it feels futile.

The Dalai Lama said, “To be born at all is a miracle. What will you do with your life?”

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

If money weren’t an issue, what change would you like to make? What movement would you like to create or add your voice to? What were you once passionate about but gave up hope?

Is there any reason that you would like to say, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you!” Great things have come out of the desire to prove others are wrong about us and our ideas.

Could it be that you haven’t stepped out or you gave up because what you tried didn’t seem to work?

Maybe it’s time to try again. Start small. Prove what you know is right with little experiments so you have inspiring data instead of just an idea.

Find people to work with that support your point of view. Stay away from people who tell you to play it safe.

Steve Jobs left a legacy that I believe is critical for women to live into. We must stay hungry and foolish to create a world where everyone can live up to their greatest potential. Will you join me in realizing this vision?

As women, we are always told to stand up for our ideas and values. I continue to read articles that say women back down too often.

On the other hand, my female clients tell me their problem is picking their battles.

Their problem is knowing both:

1. How to stand up for themselves in a way that doesn’t make other people wrong (unless that is the intention).
2. When to not take a comment or action personally and let it go.

The first problem deals with the tone and reason for standing up for yourself. In working with the archetypes, one of my clients found she identified with the Warrior too often. Whenever someone suggested something that triggered her to react, she took out her sword and cut off their head with her words.

On further exploration, she found that when people didn’t agree with her well-researched work or they kept presenting a different perspective with no attention to hers, her brain interpreted their interpolation as disrespect for her intelligence and a devaluing of her experience.

First, we worked on her awareness—sensing the anger in her body before she opened her mouth. When she could catch this, she would then breathe and choose one word to focus on. In this case, it was the archetype she wanted to develop—the Collaborator.

With this new perspective, she asked more questions before she went on the attack. Then she could determine if there needed to be a comparison of perspectives she could then use to work toward a compromise OR if she needed to take a more direct approach. If she then surmised that her position was not being valued, she could choose to stand up for herself with a more direct message or question to determine why her position was not being taken seriously.

Second, working on her awareness also gave her room to determine if the comment that triggered her anger was worthy of her energy. Some annoying people are not really harmful. And sometimes one question can clarify the true intention of someone’s actions or words.

One of my clients was angry at her boss for not inviting her to a dinner that the rest of the team attended. When she asked about it, he gave her the name of the administrator who created the list. It was an oversight that had no personal meaning. Be careful of assuming the worst.

This leads me to the last tip—assume good intention. Even if you aren’t feeling compassionate, can you first assume good intent? This will open you to being more curious than reactive. From this perspective, you can best choose your battles.

What tips do you have for choosing when and how to stand up for yourself?

Giselle had a dream less than a year ago to create a gathering for women in Trinidad committed to exploring possibilities for their lives. She had never created an event before. She asked if she could use my writing along with her own to print articles in the Trinidad Express to help create a following of women who would then pay to see me speak at the event in a year.

Giselle created a vision and didn’t let anyone talk her out of it. In fact, she decided that she would ask the women to sign up for not just an event but an entire year of coaching and teletraining so the like-minded passionate and purpose-driven women would work together to create their futures. The event where I was to speak turned into a kickoff for the year-long program.

Last week, as I stood in front of 50 beautiful Trinidadian women, I asked the question, “What is keeping you small?” I felt Giselle’s presence behind me, a shining example of a woman who decided to play large and step into her dream with trust and passion. Not only did she fill the room, but she attracted sponsors to pay the expenses, including my travel and speaking fee plus those of one other incredible speaker, Karen Walrond (check out her chookooloonks website if you want to see a tribute to the beauty of life).

I was even interviewed on Trinidad TV along with Giselle, another example of her ability to ask for what she needed and strangers, now friends, said yes.

What seeds of dreams do you have just waiting to sprout? What is stopping you from bringing them to light? What is keeping you small?

Giselle offers a World of Possibilities for women. Check her out on Facebook when you need some inspiration. I am lucky to have her in my life.

And Giselle, since I know you will read this, I want to publicly thank you and Anastasia for the delightful two days in Tobago after the event. You definitely win the best host award. I learned to not only choose to be with those who dream big, but accept the gifts and surprises that come with the package.

I can’t wait to visit your beautiful country again and to have you visit mine.

How can this be bad?

Just because you can see the bigger picture doesn’t mean everyone else will automatically see and accept your point of view. You still have to get buy-in for your ideas. If you don’t, the people you judge as short-sighted will be just as reluctant and frustrated as you when working toward a solution. Here are four tips to help you convince people to see things from your point of view:

1. Listen for individual needs and perspective. Before anyone will agree with you, they need to be able to express what they need, especially if they feel their needs must be met soon. If you are working with a group, it’s likely that there will be some interdependencies. You can these use your broad-based perspective to string these needs together into a common ground where people see the value of helping each other.
2. Get agreement on the ultimate goal. If there are no immediate connections that tie together everyone’s needs, then the best thing to do is to facilitate a dialogue to define the ultimate goal that you are trying to meet. The goal then becomes the anchor for prioritizing needs and exploring consequences when choosing to focus on action plans.
3. Create a compelling vision. Once the ultimate goal is defined, share the picture you see of what is possible when the goal is met. Paint the picture that demonstrates how everyone’s needs will be met or minimized. Entice people to set aside their personal attachments by asking them to commit to the shared vision.
4. Refrain from pushing. When we see the bigger picture, we often see the dangers in how other people view the problem. Yet making them wrong without getting their buy-in creates stronger resistance to your ideas. You may tend to steamroll your own ideas as the right thing to do. If you do this, you will be judged as bossy instead of passionate and insensitive instead of committed to the results. This will hurt your relationships and possibly hinder your career path. Be patient. As they say, good things come to those who wait.

If you follow these tips, it won’t be long before you are seen as a visionary. People will seek your perspective instead of being irritated by it. Wouldn’t that be nice?

These were some of the wonderful words of advice that Dr. Ella Bell, professor at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth, gave us during the Women’s Leadership conference I spoke at last week in Cleveland.

Dr. Bell was talking about the changes that still need to be made in the workplace. I think her words ring true for the changes that need to be made in the world.

I hate hearing horror stories of how women treat each other. At work, women young and old still hurt each other by limiting access to important meetings and committees, withholding information, and blocking contact with mentors and higher-ups.

I question if only women do this. I have experienced men who do this as well. I believe this type of behavior, ranging from ignoring people to outright backstabbing reflects the fears we are feeling and a scarcity mindset more than the habits of gender.

This lack of trust has grown as our economy keeps sputtering. The animosity displayed by our leaders has brought out the worst in everyone else. People are driven by fear, pitting them against each other instead of inspiring them to work together to rise above the crisis.

I’ve been teaching leaders for 30 years. I wouldn’t count on this sweeping change of leadership behavior to happen anytime soon.

Therefore, I recommend to my coaching clients, most of them women, that they actively find friends and create their own “positive conspiracies of change.” I also coach them on how they can bring this behavior into the fabric of their corporate cultures and communities.

This covert operation benefits everyone. When we speak with one voice, we can change the world.

You might be thinking that you are too busy for this. Working women tend to put their personal relationships on the back burner behind work and family. The truth is, you need to make time for your friendships for both your present happiness and your future growth.

Besides helping to make changes at work, friends open doors and connect you with other people. They also talk with you and sometimes are just silent with you when life is overwhelming or discouraging, something women do better than men who want to fix you. Women in different positions at work can provide critical eyes to help you navigate your own path.

Biologically, when you socially connect with other women, you activate the brain regions that improve health and increase creativity. Women respond to threats in four ways: Fight, Flight, Flee, and Friend. Having good friends to call is a major stress release.

If you work alone or you don’t have a way of creating a conspiracy among women in your company, you can assemble a community from women in your external networks. Look for like-minded women in your professional associations, in classes at your local universities and colleges, and even at your gym.

When looking for other women to hang out with, choose women with positive outlooks who:

• Are willing to accept help as well as offer it,
• Will commit to showing up physically and mentally when you schedule time together,
• Are on their own personal development journeys, and
• Are willing to share their personal concerns and dreams while having a sincere desire to hear yours.

Also, make sure you have at least one woman in your network who will be honest and compassionately direct with you even when you don’t ask for her opinion. Find someone who will not back down when you adamantly defend yourself. Having at least one person who is willing to be honest with you is critical for your growth.

Let’s put the “catfight” myth to rest. It’s time to collaborate and trust one another. Start forming your positive conspiracies today.

She answered with the same questions my brain often screams at me:

“I should be the one recognized for that. How did they get the breaks and I didn’t?”

AND

“I have been saying those things for years. How come I’m not the one who is famous for those ideas?”

These are great questions to ask yourself. Obviously, the person you envy took some steps to market themselves that you either didn’t think of or you avoided. Even if you don’t approve of the steps (you think their methods are a bit shady), they still had the courage to step out into the world in a way you did not.

There is a man that every time I hear his name, my stomach turns. He was able to be recognized as a thought leader in how the brain affects behavior at work in both leaders and employees. I had been working in this area for years before he chose this area of expertise. Although my depth of experience, research and knowledge is much deeper than his, he brilliantly aligned himself with other thought leaders and marketed his work in much more profound ways than I.

Arghh!

So what can my envy teach me?

1. What can I learn from his marketing strategy that I can apply to my plans?

2. What stopped me from playing a bigger game like him? If I am so smart with so much more to say, how can I play at that level too?

3. Have I set the right standards for my own success? Maybe I’m not celebrating what I have created enough. And if I want more, how can I thank my colleague for showing me ways to achieve it instead of just envying his success?

I have always said that if we embrace our emotions, whatever they are, we can learn from them. They are there to teach us and help us make major life decisions. Let your envy open up doors you never saw or were afraid to walk through before.

No, you shouldn’t let any societal rites, the “good intentions” of friends, or the latest study stop you from exploring, seeking to learn from your vast experiences and taking risks to discover what else you can achieve in this lifetime.

Yes, if you jump around too many times–from job to job, relationship to relationship, house to house–you can lose your sense of purpose and possibly, your sense of self.

I was telling my friend Larry Ackerman, author of The Identity Code, that it was time for me to return to my roots in my business.  I had been dancing all over the map in the last ten years with little focus. If you ask me for my “elevator pitch,” I would lapse into a “deer in the headlights” look.

Then I told Larry about my trip to China and how my hosts were astonished that I didn’t focus my business on coach training and the “heart connection” I was teaching them to have. China is a cognitive culture. Their prior coach training kept them in their heads. For many of my students, it was the first time they trusted themselves enough to let go of “knowing” so they could connect at a deeper level.

I used to teach these skills in my first years in business. I still teach them among other things in my leadership training. I always slide coaching and connecting into my emotional intelligence training. I believe that my practice of “heart connection” or emotional coherence as I’m finding it called in the latest brain research, is at the core of my success.

So even though I will continue to share Wander Woman insights with audiences live and online, I want to explore how to return to my business roots.

That’s when Larry said, “Of course it is time to come home. You’ve been on an odyssey where after many adventures, you take your wisdom and go home. In Homer’s epic poem, The Odyssey, the Greek hero Odysseus (or Ulysses, as he was known in Roman mythology) encounters a number of adventures before he returns home. The same is true for you. Your work will be so much richer now.”

My gut confirmed his conclusion.

What about you? Are you planning another journey this year, another stop on an island to gather knowledge, strength and experiences? Or is it time to head home?

Either way:

• What have the adventures of the last decade taught you?
• What great gift, talent or perspective was your “once-shining star” that you set aside? Is it time to bring it forth in a new light?
• If you are not ready to go home, what else do you want to experience? Know what you want so you don’t wander aimlessly.

I am grateful for Larry’s insights. It feels good to be home. And I’m having fun remodeling my business home to reflect the new decade. When I’m ready, I’ll invite you to the Open House.

Many people have been forced to rethink who they are and what they do. This is good. We all need to regularly re-invent our work and renew our enthusiasm for our daily lives.

At the same time, many people are lured into the promise, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” This is bad. If you don’t know how to articulate what you do in a way that other people would love to be with you, no one will run to you with cash in hand. If you don’t have the energy and time to do what it takes to create widespread visibility, you will remain a well-kept secret.

It is important to have passion for what you do, no matter who you work for. If people don’t sense your enthusiasm for your ideas and plans, they will be cautious about aligning with you or buying from you. Even if they decide to work with you, if you aren’t emotionally engaged you won’t do your best work.

But passion isn’t enough. Living off love for your work has created many starving artists.

Launch your business or choose your career path with passion. Look for what tasks energize you, what things you look forward to doing and what makes you feel good when your work is done.

Then make sure the work you choose is not only work you do better than anyone you know, but you are providing a product or service people want and are willing to pay for.

What special knowledge or expertise have you developed? Even if you think you don’t want to do what you have been doing anymore, you might find a way you can share what you know that feels better than your last job. Maybe you can help non-profits that have a special meaning for you. Maybe you can coach or teach others not to make the mistakes you made on your journey (then help them to be more successful than you…I’ve done that one although I then have to rethink my own approach). Maybe you can write and speak on what it took to be successful in your field.

Once you have some ideas, you can start the research…yes research. Gut instinct is unreliable when judging the outside world. Look at who your competition will be. Can you do what they do but better? Who are they targeting – are they missing some people you think need your help?

One of the easiest ways to weed through your ideas is to write a business plan. It doesn’t have to be long, but it should cover the basics of who will be your customers, how you will connect with them and how much it will cost to get started.

Follow your dreams, but learn how to hustle.

More than anything, they wanted to make an impact, in the workplace or for their customers. If their work didn’t prove to be meaningful to them, they wandered in search of their purpose.

Kelly, said, “If my work doesn’t give me a sense that I am doing something special, I’m not happy. That’s when I feel most restless–when I get so busy that I lose an internal sense that what I’m doing is important beyond making a profit.”

The problem is that they kept repeating this pattern. They kept searching for something more, then felt disappointed when they didn’t find it. They felt their work didn’t align with their life purpose, but they couldn’t articulate what that purpose was.

So how do you define your purpose? Most likely you know when your sense of purpose is missing, but if you can’t define what gives you this feeling, you leave its appearance in your life to chance. Then you feel restless, discontented and disappointed more than you feel fulfilled.

First, know that there is a difference between having a “life purpose” which is a specific destination and having a “sense of purpose” which is feeling that provides you direction. Having a sense of direction will help you make career and life choices even if you don’t have a specific life purpose.

Declaring a definitive purpose defines a specific destination. The latter—living with a sense of purpose—identifies a feeling. If you haven’t identified your life purpose, choosing to find your direction over a destination can makes your life easier. You can quit beating yourself up for not having one purpose in life.

When you release the need to know the definitive answer to the purpose question, you live for a feeling instead of a goal. You appreciate what sparks your love, gratitude, laughter, pride and awe instead of losing these moments to your to-do lists.

We look too hard to find a unique, profound, and tangible reason for our existence. Instead, seek to discover everything that makes you feel alive and connected.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to have a life purpose. I honor those who have found it. The rest of us may stumble upon one someday. In the meantime, choose to enjoy the gifts of contentment, love and gratitude for the sunshine and people in your life today.

First determine what having a sense of purpose feels like to you. Then you can recognize what ignites these feelings. Once you identify what sparks your laughter, love, passion and pride, you have the means to determine if you are on a purposeful path or if you need to shift your direction.

Your sense of purpose then becomes the guiding light that keeps you focused as you wander through life. When you passionately live with a strong sense of purpose, you can remember what is most important to you no matter what difficulties you face.

What brings you joy and fulfillment may change over time so you may feel you have lost your sense of direction. Allow the source to change. There is no right or wrong answers to the question, “What makes me feel alive and connected right now?”

Just ask and see what shows up.

Adapted from Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction