I liked the movie. I felt the lead character represented the most common reason I found in my research why women wander: they don’t know who they are and what they want.

The problem is that they spend many years leaving what they don’t want anymore (physically or mentally) without having a clear picture of what they do want.

Even if they had a clear idea of what they wanted for their lives, at some point, they forget. Here’s a story of a woman I coached who felt overwhelmed at work. What we discovered was that she didn’t have a problem prioritizing; she had a problem feeling inspired by her work because she didn’t know why she was there.

As in the case with my client, sometimes reviving an old dream can give you back your North Star .

Sometimes you have to crystallize the picture of your new dream—what would a perfect day at work or in your relationship look like?

Sometimes the picture isn’t ready to come forth, but you can discover what gives you a sense of purpose in your life and do what it takes to have this experience more often. Look at your day and determine what you are doing only because you should. Then look at what you are doing because you want to do it.

Once you begin to understand what you want to create for yourself, ask yourself:

1. What can I start doing today to ease my transition?
2. What about my new life can I begin to integrate into my current work and life?
3. Who can I ask to support me in making my transition?
4. What do I need to do to stay committed to my choices?

Although the notion of taking a year off and living in Italy, India and Bali to discover myself sounds delightful, I learned what I’m sharing with you sitting at my desk and sometimes wandering into the mountains at the end of my road. I hope this helps you figure out the road you want to be on before you take too many unfulfilling detours.

A number of people questioned the justification for defining a female-specific model. As Mike Henry Sr. asked, “Wouldn’t any leader regardless of gender be perceived to be a good leader if they had the same qualities?” These people said the model should portray a balance, as Katie Snapp said, ” … focusing on the female traits of compassion, inspiration, empathy and collaboration combined with more-masculine traits of bottom-line thinking, focus, directness and healthy competition.”

Offering another perspective, Dr. Christine McDougall says there is something good about accepting different models of leadership for men and women. She says, “We are not the same by nature, nor should we aspire to be.” McDougall believes that if men and women can stand side-by-side as co-leaders, honoring each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities with “…no shame, blame or righteousness” we will model great leadership.

Honestly, after years of NOT wanting to be recognized for my gender while working in male-dominated corporations, I have come to appreciate my feminine qualities and recognize the strength they bring to my work. I like that we honor our brilliant differences!

Therefore, even though I had many responses claiming a “one-size-fits-all” model of leadership should be set out for men and women, I still think it is good to identify the qualities that women can aspire to be as leaders building on the innate strengths they bring to the table.

Naomi Caietti shared this quote from the Corporate Gender Gap Report 2010 based on a survey of 600 of the heads of Human Resources at the world’s largest employers, “… the idea that most corporations have become gender-balanced or women-friendly is still a myth.” They cite the lack of female role models as one of the top three barriers to women’s rise to positions of senior leadership.

The question remains: Is a role model a position, a person or a way of being?

There were some women mentioned as role models, including Carol Tome, the CFO of Home Depot; Sandra Bullock for her graceful handling of her recent life chaos; and a chorus of incredible sisters, daughters, mothers and business partners. The entries were a great testament to the women who take charge with strength and grace. Thanks to Debbie Brown, Joyce Lansky, Lee Wennerberg and Susan Steinbrecher for their heartfelt contributions.

The winning entries, according to me, were from Frances Flynn Thorsen and Caroline Ryan. You can either read their original submissions here (scroll down to the comments) or read the synopsis in the Huffington Post article (scroll down to the shaded area). Both of these women profiled a real woman in a leadership role, identifying the behaviors she demonstrates and recognizing the mindset she has that makes her so remarkable.

Do we need to honor our models of female leadership or seek one model for all? I believe we can do both, but never forget what wonderful qualities men and women have to offer as we stand as different genders, side-by-side.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and teaches leadership around the world. Check out the thoughtful reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Perfectionists aren’t just people preoccupied with details, order and efficiency. If you feel a job must be done your way—the right way—then you are a performance perfectionist.

Besides causing you an enormous amount of stress, your perfectionist frame makes you an annoying colleague and partner. People find it hard working and playing with someone who always knows what’s best. You don’t mean harm, but you appear insensitive.

Your paradigm of perfection is held together by three assumptions which you need to acknowledge and change. This may be difficult because these assumptions have helped you to be amazing. Your greatest strengths overshadow your life’s weaknesses.

Assumption #1: There is a right answer and it is mine

If you are the best and the one who knows, then you have an answer for every question about things that are important to you. No one dares to disagree. Always being right not only hurts your relationships, it is a heavy responsibility to bear.

Assumption #2: Everything is up to me

This assumption implies that things will spin out of control or fail if they aren’t done by you. As a result, you will overwork, take on too many projects, and resist sharing your work with anyone else.

Assumption #3: I will always be disappointed

I hired a coach to help me figure out why I was having trouble maintaining long-term romantic relationships. She asked me, “When will you give up your attachment to being disappointed by your relationships?” Her question took my breath away.

Not long after I started a relationship, I began finding fault with my partner. The truth is—I expected to be disappointed before I ever gave the guy a chance.

Being chronically disappointed with work is the same story. When you are attached to being disappointed with your job or your boss, you don’t ever have to make a commitment to staying. You will give everything you have to your job up front, demonstrating that you should be treasured. Then you will feel let down the moment you aren’t recognized for your work or you aren’t given the best assignment. No matter how excited you were when you took the job, it’s always a matter of time before you have to move on.

To justify your behavior, you create standards that are difficult for anyone to meet. Things and people rarely measure up.

If you don’t release your attachment to disappointment, you will always focus on what is going wrong instead of what is good about anything you do.

The Shift: There is more than one right answer

The key to shifting out of always being right is to consciously choose to learn when you think you already know the answer. You have to deliberately commit to accepting that there is more than one right way to achieve a goal and there is more than one right answer to a question. “There is more than one” must become your mantra.

When your critical mind jumps in, release your breath before opening your mouth. This pausing technique gives you a moment to better assess the situation.

Maybe the person you disagree with is right from their perspective, which differs from yours. Maybe they have a solution that will work as well as yours or better if you can admit it. Maybe your relationship is more important than the perfect result, so the true solution is to 1) see if you can use their ideas or 2) keep your mouth shut.

When you release the tension in your body before you speak, you free your mind to see there is more than one way you can respond.

You can’t get an A in personal growth

Committing to growth is itself a lesson in humility, patience and imperfection. Changing your assumptions takes more time than you want to give. The good news is that the quicker you admit to your assumptions and quiet your critical mind, the quicker the new you will emerge.

You’ll find more detailed explanation and tips for growth in the book, Wander Woman: How High Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. Launch date is June 15th!

Brian shared the distinction between having creative production goals and outcome goals. He said one of the main reasons people experience disappointment, anger and frustration in their lives is that they set up outcome goals based in the future with no idea what joys or pitfalls tomorrow will bring.

Additionally, if you focus solely on what you might receive once you get the great job, retire from the crappy job, publish the book, find the right spouse, or buy the cool car or big house, you are living in a world that doesn’t exist while you sacrifice the real, tangible and juicy moments that are real.

I found this focus a particularly useful distinction for the high-achievers I work with because they, and I, often get so lost in tasks we must complete to achieve some future goal that we lose days, weeks and years of the joy we might feel creating in the moment. Then we don’t celebrate our achievements because we are quickly on to the next task to check off the list.

Your creative production goals are what you want to complete right now. Brian says that when you engage in doing good work and then move on to do more good work, you will naturally lift your spirits by paying attention to your spirit. This gives you a chance to be more intentional about what you choose to work on in the moment, choosing work you enjoy doing instead of sacrificing for some unknown future you have no control over.

This does not mean you can’t have big dreams of outcome goals. Your bigger, future possibilities should be the guiding star for making your choices in the moment. You may not ever achieve your big goals; something else could happen which may be good too. But your big goals provide a distinct path to follow as you enjoy your journey. Then be prepared to easily shift your big goals when other possibilities arise or you have to move in a different direction.

Therefore, always be asking yourself, “For what purpose am I choosing my current activity?” Can you honestly claim these statements:

1. I know that what I am doing right now will help move me to my higher aspiration and
2. I enjoy completing this activity.

Brian told us that Tal Ben-Shahar, author of Happier, says we can live in four states. If we have only an outcome-based, future goal-focus, we are a Rat Racer. But if we only live in the now with no goals, we are a Hedonist. If we live aimlessly in the now with no future goals, we are a personally destructive Annihalist. But if we spend most of our focus on the creative production goals we can manifest in the moment knowing they will help us create a future that will be good, we are Happier.

Brian did say that discipline is the path to “Blissipline” meaning that in order to do our best work in accomplishing our creative production goals we should also find ways to enjoy staying healthy and practice these rituals daily. He has found good food he enjoys and daily rituals he practices before reading his email and other mindless tasks that trap his brain in ruts. He said that we need clear, healthy minds to create the work that we are most happy with.

With this is mind….

• What great things will you accomplish today?
• What creative production goal will you choose right now?
• If your goal was not “what will I do?” but instead, “who will I be right now?” what would change?

Please share your goals and your thoughts here.

I look forward to reading your comments and your stories, too.

I wish this weekend to be a celebration for all women who birth, whether babies or grand ideas, and all of you who nurture others to realize their amazing potential.

Marcia

Part of me was disappointed, embarrassed, angry, and even worried. The rest of me was utterly relieved. Woo hoo!

While interviewing women for my book, Wander Women, I had a very accomplished woman tell me, “All my life I was taught to raise my hand. Now I’m finally questioning what I’m raising my hand for.”

I do like serving my associations that have given so much to me in the form of education and networking. I have to admit, I also like the attention and prestige I get for holding leadership positions. Yet in meeting my needs, I haven’t done a good job of weighing the costs. Fame can be fatiguing.

In Gone with the Wind, Rhett Butler told Scarlett, “Until you’ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.”

What titles, positions, and roles do you hold onto because you are afraid you won’t be credible without them? What tasks have you taken on that you have come to regret because of the drain on your time and energy?

It’s time we tell the truth about what we are raising our hands for, and create more space for work that is more fulfilling and freeing.

Post your comments at www.BurdenofGreatness.com. Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction will be released June 15th. Stay tuned for more information.

The scene focused on Christina Yang telling her boyfriend about her near-marriage experience. She described her relationship as a process of giving herself away to him, piece by piece. In tears, she says to her current lover, “That will never happen again.”

With little guidance, we are starting to figure out how to say no to giving ourselves away and molding our lives into what others want for us. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always feel good. We may loose people and jobs we love in the process. Hopefully, we then come to love ourselves.

I called my brother in San Francisco who has had a continual problem with raccoons breaking in through his cat door. He said there was nothing I could do except to pay for a very expensive door that had a sensor and acted like a garage door. The steel in the door was so thick you would think we were keeping thieves from breaking into a safe.

I said, “Isn’t there an easier way?”

He said they had tried everything. “No matter what you try short of this door, the raccoons will figure it out. Think about it, you might spend an hour a day trying to solve this problem. The raccoons have all day to figure out how to bypass your tricks.”

It’s not that the raccoons are smarter than me, I think. They have more time to focus on the issue than I do.

Isn’t this true for anything you do? If you want to improve your influencing skills, you have to spend time being mindful of your communications and practicing each day. If you want to build your social networking presence, you have to commit at least an hour a day to conversing with your communities. If you want to have more energy, you need to focus on what will make you healthier.

What are you going to focus on today? Set an intention in the morning then acknowledge what you’ve done at night. Put your own tricks into play to keep your focus. And if you have a good one, please share it here or comment on the blog.

St. Thomas Aquinas wrote:

I have a cause.

We need those, don’t we?

Otherwise the darkness and the cold gets in

and everything starts to

ache.

My soul has a purpose, it is

to love.

If I

do not fulfill

my heart’s vocation,

I suffer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What inside your heart is asking to be free? Freedom is scary and exhilarating. I dare you to live by your cause.

I hope not.

Instead consider, “What do I want to create next year?” You are full of gifts, capacity, intelligence, skills and love—you have everything you need to declare a new and exciting promise for yourself.

Peter Block, in his book Community: The Structure of Belonging, lists out a number of questions that can help you create a new context for seeing yourself and how you participate in the world. Here are a few questions to spark your mental circuitry:

• What is the “yes” you no longer mean? What do you want to say “yes” to instead?
• What is the gift you are holding in exile? What commitment to your gift are you willing to make?
• What is the positive feedback you receive that still surprises you? How can you share this gift more often?
• What could you do if you truly felt free?
• What are the new conversations you would like to create?

Now, picture next year based on what is possible for you. Please share it here if you are willing to make your declaration public.

There are many more mind-rattling questions in Peter’s book. I recommend the book both for personal transformation as well as for team and community development.

It’s time we change the conversations to be more generative than deficiency-based. Want to join me in this exploration?