As women, we are always told to stand up for our ideas and values. I continue to read articles that say women back down too often.

On the other hand, my female clients tell me their problem is picking their battles.

Their problem is knowing both:

1. How to stand up for themselves in a way that doesn’t make other people wrong (unless that is the intention).
2. When to not take a comment or action personally and let it go.

The first problem deals with the tone and reason for standing up for yourself. In working with the archetypes, one of my clients found she identified with the Warrior too often. Whenever someone suggested something that triggered her to react, she took out her sword and cut off their head with her words.

On further exploration, she found that when people didn’t agree with her well-researched work or they kept presenting a different perspective with no attention to hers, her brain interpreted their interpolation as disrespect for her intelligence and a devaluing of her experience.

First, we worked on her awareness—sensing the anger in her body before she opened her mouth. When she could catch this, she would then breathe and choose one word to focus on. In this case, it was the archetype she wanted to develop—the Collaborator.

With this new perspective, she asked more questions before she went on the attack. Then she could determine if there needed to be a comparison of perspectives she could then use to work toward a compromise OR if she needed to take a more direct approach. If she then surmised that her position was not being valued, she could choose to stand up for herself with a more direct message or question to determine why her position was not being taken seriously.

Second, working on her awareness also gave her room to determine if the comment that triggered her anger was worthy of her energy. Some annoying people are not really harmful. And sometimes one question can clarify the true intention of someone’s actions or words.

One of my clients was angry at her boss for not inviting her to a dinner that the rest of the team attended. When she asked about it, he gave her the name of the administrator who created the list. It was an oversight that had no personal meaning. Be careful of assuming the worst.

This leads me to the last tip—assume good intention. Even if you aren’t feeling compassionate, can you first assume good intent? This will open you to being more curious than reactive. From this perspective, you can best choose your battles.

What tips do you have for choosing when and how to stand up for yourself?

Pattie has been responsible for Fortune’s Most Powerful Women list since 1998. Over the years, she has interviewed the most successful and powerful women in the United States. They all seem to wince at the word power until she had a second interview with Oprah Winfrey.

In her first interview, Oprah swore she didn’t like the idea of being powerful. Three years later, she changed her mind.

Pattie explained that generally when people speak about power, they are referring to the male view of “power over others” or getting people to do what you want them to do.

Oprah told her that when she realized her power was to”have an impact with purpose,” then she fell in love with the idea of being powerful.

Power over others is vertical, looking down on them.

Power as impact is horizontal, influencing the world outward from where we stand.

Are you a woman of impact? Whether you are impacting your family, your work group, your community or the world, you are wielding your power. The more you accept that you are powerful, the more good you can do.

And when we embrace our power, we are better able to empower other women.

Let’s redefine power so we can love it, claim it and use it whole-heartedly.

Gloria said the people she worked with would say to her, “Come Auntie, let’s talk story.”

She quickly discovered they called all adult women Auntie. She fortunately surmised this was an important opportunity. She let go of the piles of work she had to do, choosing to go with the group to a place they could talk.

The people in her office eagerly listened to her stories about her parents migrating from China to the United States and how she had to pursue degrees at Sarah Lawrence and Harvard on her own because her parents didn’t think it was wise for a woman to spend her life that way.

Once they knew her stories, they not only trusted her but respected her.

We bond when we share stories. We feel a kinship on this life’s journey. We know the person we are with is as human as we are with struggles, triumphs, dreams, disappointments and surprises. Our judgment fades away. Our hearts soften when we hear each other’s stories.

I’m amazed how I keep learning this lesson sitting on airplanes. Whatever judgment I had about the person sitting too close to me fades when I hear their story. I still might choose to work, read, or watch something else than spend the flight talking to my seatmate, but the silly feelings of annoyance melt away.

When we listen to each other’s stories, we often see the similarities in our experiences, our struggles and our desires.

When I coach teams, I often ask each person to describe their perfect day one year from now, from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep. When they share their dreams for both work and their home lives, the members are always amazed at how similar they are. A special rapport develops which helps them collaborate when they shift to tackling their work problems and actions.

Familiarity brings us together. Then, we open the space to ask each other, “What’s next?” Instead of feeling as if we are separate, we feel we are on a journey together.

What relationship could you improve by setting a time to share stories? What story could you add to your next presentation to better connect with your audience? What person would you like to know better by asking to hear their story?

What story would you like to share here? Come Aunties, let’s talk story.

I might have considered putting Controller on the list but there are elements of control in the Queen, Commander and Superstar archetypes combined with some positive behaviors. Yet being a Control Freak can yield good results in some circumstances, right?

I know that in order to climb the corporate ladder as quickly as I did in my younger years, I had to take charge of things from time to time and make sure work was done correctly. The same goes for my own business. I better like being in control if I want to be successful as a solopreneur.

As with most strengths, there is a dark side of abundance. The same goes for being a Controller. When other people should be included in a project or decision, if their ideas are silenced or shot down, they lose motivation and often feel resentful. Eventually they think, “Why bother, you are going to do what you want anyway.” Resistance falls away and we Controllers go happily on our way thinking we are doing the right thing.

The problem is that we often don’t know we are being overly controlling. We justify our behavior thinking we are being efficient, time-sensitive or just plain right. This can yield great results yet hurt relationships.

And what happens if you get sick or called away to do something else? No one else can do your work well because you maintained such a tight control over what gets done and what decisions are made.

I am considering adding Controller to the archetype list. Would you have to circle this word if I asked you to identify your dominant behavioral patterns? How would you know this is you?

Please share the signs you have come to realize that signify you are in Control Freak mode. This will help us all make better decisions about who we should include in the moment.

If you feel you suffer from chronic Control Freak behavior, you might want to check out the book, The Control Freak Revolution by Cheryl Cran. Let me know what you learn.

During the celebration dinner, they shared stories about how crazy it is to work in their countries with the corruption, fraud, changing rules, uncertainty and even violence. One participant couldn’t go directly home to Guinea after class because of the violence over a contested election.

What was most amazing to me was how they laughed as they told their stories as if they saw it all as a game they had to figure out. They honored the ingenuity of the Nigerians and their con games, they one-upped each other when sharing silly rules and laws that hampered their work, and in quieter moments they toasted their futures.

I have spent a lot of time in the past few years complaining about my state’s politicians, the subjective fear-mongering media, and the bleak outlook of the future of the United States. On a layover on my way to Africa, I spent a block of time reading about the 2012 catastrophes that are imminent. I am as bad as Chicken Little declaring the sky is falling.

When I get lost in the anger, fear and loss, I forget about the wonderful human spirit that prevails. Yes, the people in my class could have been laughing to cover their fears and tears. I don’t think so. Their sincere good humor showed me the lightness and hope that we must have to carry on.

I may have been the teacher last week, but they taught me a lot about life. I learned:

1. When I focus on what is wrong, I miss the beauty of people and places around me no matter what is going on.
2. When I feel sorry for other people’s circumstances, I miss their great courage, wit and noble persistence.
3. When I get angry for not having things the way I would like, I miss seeing the possibilities for learning and triumphing right now.
4. When I miss what was in the past, my regret overpowers my joy.

If you are reading this post, your life is probably far more secure and abundant than what the people in my class are enduring. If we all shift our perspective together, maybe the sky will stay intact and give us a rainbow of hope to follow.

Fortunately, a lot more women are also being raised with enough of an education to be right too. But the need to be nice can still be a downfall.

Contrary to Linda Kaplan Thaler’s book, The Power of Nice, there is a limit to the results being nice will get you. Fundamentally, it is better to be nice than rude and we like people who are fair better than those who are selfish. But too much congeniality is counterproductive.

I recently read a number of articles that say people who are too nice repel others. Either they make us feel badly for not being as nice as they are or we judge excessively nice behavior as manipulative.

In the November edition of Scientific Mind, an article titled That’s Nice, Now Get Out by Valerie Ross cited a study where people could kick members off their team for behaviors they didn’t like. The results showed that being overly generous was just as annoying as cheating.

I wonder if this is the reason for the belief that men like bitches more than nice girls. It might not be that they want to be mistreated. They just don’t like being showered with niceness. And maybe they actually respect a woman who sets strong boundaries and shows a tough demeanor when dealing with difficulties.

The answer seems to be to match your “niceness” to the people you are playing with. If they are nice, you can be nice back. If they are not so nice, don’t try to change who they are by being nicer than they are. It won’t work. Take care of yourself instead.

What do you think of this research?

This made total sense to me. The more you feel disgust, the more close-minded you are.

The beauty of the article was in the follow-on study where they paired the “disgusted people” with objects of their disgust. They objects of disgust were instructed to share stories about their families, their upbringing, their struggles and their joys.

The ending is totally predictable. When we listen to people’s stories, we realize how similar we all are. Disgust melts into empathy. Intolerance decreases.

So how can we use this information at home, in the workplace, in our neighborhoods and in creating a larger global community?

I am writing this post while sitting on an Asian airplane in Hong Kong, laying over until we take off for Singapore. On the way to China, the airplane was full of people different from me. They ate differently, disobeyed travel rules according to me, took up space differently than I and looked at me as if I were the alien. I wondered about the people as they disembarked the plane. If I knew the stories of my fellow travelers, I bet I would be fascinated, amused, heartbroken, delighted and in love.

When the plane emptied, the flight attendant came by, checked my passport and slapped a sticker on me indicating I was “checked baggage” because I opted to stay on the plane and write instead of wander the Hong Kong airport at 5 o’clock Sunday morning. I chose to be amused rather than disgusted.

As I prepare to deliver a keynote to the Asia-Pacific Coaching Conference on the Mysteries of Interconnection, I will hold this energy. I honor our cultural differences, but I am more in awe of our human similarities. I think we first need to connect before we focus on how we differ.

And if you catch yourself feeling disgusted by someone, can you step back and think about what stories the person might share? What fears, dreams, hopes, and disappointments might they be experiencing? Or better yet, can you ask them?

How will you use this perspective today?

Yet this is the National Speakers Association. You would expect life-altering keynote speeches. Although I liked some of these presentations, they didn’t change my life. Yes, they stirred my heart and reminded me of what is important. But honestly-I won’t do anything differently tomorrow.

The problem is that the keynoters were telling me how to live. They told great stories. They opened my heart. Yet they didn’t trigger me to see life in a new way. Nothing new emerged.

They tried to solve my problems for me. They tried to get me to behave differently. They disguised this advice-giving with pathos, passion and humor. I retold some of their stories. I laughed and cried again.

If the point was to enrich my life with good emotions, they succeeded. If the goal was to transform me into a new human being, they failed.

They failed because they didn’t allow me to think for myself.

Giving advice doesn’t allow for the profound shifts to occur, the shifts that lead to new connections in the brain and real behavioral change. A powerful question that doesn’t have a prescribed answer, that causes me to be a bit uncomfortable and connects me to my personal reality has a greater chance of changing my life than incredible advice and persuasion.

For example, one speaker asked the question, “Are you brave enough to choose what matters?” There is only one right answer to this question. I might yell, “Yes!” but the question doesn’t confront why I won’t do anything differently when I get home and face my email.

Instead, if he had asked, “What are you committed to now that stops you from doing what you know would matter more?” Or, “What is the price you are paying for staying on the path you are on?” Or, as I ask in Wander Woman, “What have you imprisoned that wants to be free?” – and then had people write their answers down and even talk about them with a partner – he would have had a more lasting effect on the audience.

Peter Block in his book, Community, suggests we replace advice-giving with curiosity. Whether you are presenting or conversing, if you seek to understand the person you are speaking to—what is important to them, what is stopping them, and what are they holding back—new perspective and possibilities will emerge. Then, if you engage them in conversation to explore what promises they are willing to make that will change their lives, you are truly helping them solve their problems and grow.

I saw Peter boldly do this last year with his keynote speech. He spoke, but over half of his time he gave to us to explore the powerful questions he asked. The standing ovation he received was both enthusiastic and heartfelt.

More than anything, people want to be seen and heard. Whether you address a group or an individual, when you see them instead of speak at them, they are more apt to see themselves in your eyes. In the moment the reflection is clear, truth appears. Are you helping people grow by engaging them in understanding or keeping them small by telling them what to do?

Consider this the next time you speak to a group, an employee, a client, child, friend, or lover. Then please share your experiences here.

Want to increase the power of your presentations? Join Marsh Engle and me in Sedona in September. We will be working with only 10 people in 2-day pre-conference workshop, Speak Your Power, to define your message, craft a speech and confidently deliver it on stage on Saturday at the Amazing Woman’s Day conference.

http://www.amazingwomansday.com/sedona.htm

A number of people questioned the justification for defining a female-specific model. As Mike Henry Sr. asked, “Wouldn’t any leader regardless of gender be perceived to be a good leader if they had the same qualities?” These people said the model should portray a balance, as Katie Snapp said, ” … focusing on the female traits of compassion, inspiration, empathy and collaboration combined with more-masculine traits of bottom-line thinking, focus, directness and healthy competition.”

Offering another perspective, Dr. Christine McDougall says there is something good about accepting different models of leadership for men and women. She says, “We are not the same by nature, nor should we aspire to be.” McDougall believes that if men and women can stand side-by-side as co-leaders, honoring each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities with “…no shame, blame or righteousness” we will model great leadership.

Honestly, after years of NOT wanting to be recognized for my gender while working in male-dominated corporations, I have come to appreciate my feminine qualities and recognize the strength they bring to my work. I like that we honor our brilliant differences!

Therefore, even though I had many responses claiming a “one-size-fits-all” model of leadership should be set out for men and women, I still think it is good to identify the qualities that women can aspire to be as leaders building on the innate strengths they bring to the table.

Naomi Caietti shared this quote from the Corporate Gender Gap Report 2010 based on a survey of 600 of the heads of Human Resources at the world’s largest employers, “… the idea that most corporations have become gender-balanced or women-friendly is still a myth.” They cite the lack of female role models as one of the top three barriers to women’s rise to positions of senior leadership.

The question remains: Is a role model a position, a person or a way of being?

There were some women mentioned as role models, including Carol Tome, the CFO of Home Depot; Sandra Bullock for her graceful handling of her recent life chaos; and a chorus of incredible sisters, daughters, mothers and business partners. The entries were a great testament to the women who take charge with strength and grace. Thanks to Debbie Brown, Joyce Lansky, Lee Wennerberg and Susan Steinbrecher for their heartfelt contributions.

The winning entries, according to me, were from Frances Flynn Thorsen and Caroline Ryan. You can either read their original submissions here (scroll down to the comments) or read the synopsis in the Huffington Post article (scroll down to the shaded area). Both of these women profiled a real woman in a leadership role, identifying the behaviors she demonstrates and recognizing the mindset she has that makes her so remarkable.

Do we need to honor our models of female leadership or seek one model for all? I believe we can do both, but never forget what wonderful qualities men and women have to offer as we stand as different genders, side-by-side.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and teaches leadership around the world. Check out the thoughtful reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Second, I’m holding a contest. Here’s the background information. Scroll down if you’re impatient!

I was describing what I view as the emerging identity of strong, smart high-achieving women when a woman said, “It sounds like you advocate that women should be more like men. I would rather see men honor feminine power.”

I explained to her that I don’t think these women have lost their femininity. As women gain more freedom, education and economic power, they are becoming more confident and assertive. Being self-assured and outspoken does not mean a woman is not feminine. She is just a stronger woman.

Girls now are being brought up to be compassionate and assertive, sociable and analytical, collaborative and self-reliant, and empathetic and directive. Unfortunately, some people see powerful women as acting more like men. This is a short-sighted, unfair and damaging assessment.

That being said, I think the model of leadership for women needs to be redefined. The model must also allow women to be human, to be both aggressive in their pursuit of goals and to show vulnerability when they feel fear or disappointment, like any human would do.

Whether or not all people will accept these women as leaders, if we align around what we believe to be a feminine model of leadership, we can make an impact in the world. When all strong, smart women make their voices heard, we can tip the scales of power forever.

How then will we define our model of female leadership?

I am drawn to women who demonstrate strength and grace instead of trying to bully their way to the top by ridiculing others. Although the “pit bull” approach may get you noticed and you may be able to right some wrongs, “women of strength and grace” accomplish their goals differently. Showing confidence doesn’t have to include displaying your muscle.

Women of strength and grace admit when they are wrong, can change their mind as they learn and share a vision of the future that is so clear and inviting that others are eager to follow. This is a part of the model I’m building. What would you add or change?

Who are your role models of strength and grace? What woman do you know alive today who demonstrates intelligence, courage, compassion, decisiveness, assertiveness and passion? It could be your grandmother, Sandra Bullock, your former boss or even your daughter.

Share your model of strength and grace as a comment on this post. Include the person, if she exists, as well as the qualities.

I will work with a team of colleagues to pick the top three submissions from this blog, from the WanderWomanBook.com blog, from Huffington Post and from Facebook to win a copy of Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. I will then feature the winning submissions in an upcoming Huffington Post Blog. So even if you have bought the book, I’ll give you the gift of visibility.

If we can get clear on what we call a model of female leadership, we can begin to allow for, even honor, this behavior at work. We can quit defining women as too strong or too weak and never let them be who they are as the strong, smart, and wonderfully imperfect humans that know how to help their children, their companies or their countries succeed.

Contest ends midnight June 18th, pacific daylight time.