This made total sense to me. The more you feel disgust, the more close-minded you are.

The beauty of the article was in the follow-on study where they paired the “disgusted people” with objects of their disgust. They objects of disgust were instructed to share stories about their families, their upbringing, their struggles and their joys.

The ending is totally predictable. When we listen to people’s stories, we realize how similar we all are. Disgust melts into empathy. Intolerance decreases.

So how can we use this information at home, in the workplace, in our neighborhoods and in creating a larger global community?

I am writing this post while sitting on an Asian airplane in Hong Kong, laying over until we take off for Singapore. On the way to China, the airplane was full of people different from me. They ate differently, disobeyed travel rules according to me, took up space differently than I and looked at me as if I were the alien. I wondered about the people as they disembarked the plane. If I knew the stories of my fellow travelers, I bet I would be fascinated, amused, heartbroken, delighted and in love.

When the plane emptied, the flight attendant came by, checked my passport and slapped a sticker on me indicating I was “checked baggage” because I opted to stay on the plane and write instead of wander the Hong Kong airport at 5 o’clock Sunday morning. I chose to be amused rather than disgusted.

As I prepare to deliver a keynote to the Asia-Pacific Coaching Conference on the Mysteries of Interconnection, I will hold this energy. I honor our cultural differences, but I am more in awe of our human similarities. I think we first need to connect before we focus on how we differ.

And if you catch yourself feeling disgusted by someone, can you step back and think about what stories the person might share? What fears, dreams, hopes, and disappointments might they be experiencing? Or better yet, can you ask them?

How will you use this perspective today?

Yet this is the National Speakers Association. You would expect life-altering keynote speeches. Although I liked some of these presentations, they didn’t change my life. Yes, they stirred my heart and reminded me of what is important. But honestly-I won’t do anything differently tomorrow.

The problem is that the keynoters were telling me how to live. They told great stories. They opened my heart. Yet they didn’t trigger me to see life in a new way. Nothing new emerged.

They tried to solve my problems for me. They tried to get me to behave differently. They disguised this advice-giving with pathos, passion and humor. I retold some of their stories. I laughed and cried again.

If the point was to enrich my life with good emotions, they succeeded. If the goal was to transform me into a new human being, they failed.

They failed because they didn’t allow me to think for myself.

Giving advice doesn’t allow for the profound shifts to occur, the shifts that lead to new connections in the brain and real behavioral change. A powerful question that doesn’t have a prescribed answer, that causes me to be a bit uncomfortable and connects me to my personal reality has a greater chance of changing my life than incredible advice and persuasion.

For example, one speaker asked the question, “Are you brave enough to choose what matters?” There is only one right answer to this question. I might yell, “Yes!” but the question doesn’t confront why I won’t do anything differently when I get home and face my email.

Instead, if he had asked, “What are you committed to now that stops you from doing what you know would matter more?” Or, “What is the price you are paying for staying on the path you are on?” Or, as I ask in Wander Woman, “What have you imprisoned that wants to be free?” – and then had people write their answers down and even talk about them with a partner – he would have had a more lasting effect on the audience.

Peter Block in his book, Community, suggests we replace advice-giving with curiosity. Whether you are presenting or conversing, if you seek to understand the person you are speaking to—what is important to them, what is stopping them, and what are they holding back—new perspective and possibilities will emerge. Then, if you engage them in conversation to explore what promises they are willing to make that will change their lives, you are truly helping them solve their problems and grow.

I saw Peter boldly do this last year with his keynote speech. He spoke, but over half of his time he gave to us to explore the powerful questions he asked. The standing ovation he received was both enthusiastic and heartfelt.

More than anything, people want to be seen and heard. Whether you address a group or an individual, when you see them instead of speak at them, they are more apt to see themselves in your eyes. In the moment the reflection is clear, truth appears. Are you helping people grow by engaging them in understanding or keeping them small by telling them what to do?

Consider this the next time you speak to a group, an employee, a client, child, friend, or lover. Then please share your experiences here.

Want to increase the power of your presentations? Join Marsh Engle and me in Sedona in September. We will be working with only 10 people in 2-day pre-conference workshop, Speak Your Power, to define your message, craft a speech and confidently deliver it on stage on Saturday at the Amazing Woman’s Day conference.

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A number of people questioned the justification for defining a female-specific model. As Mike Henry Sr. asked, “Wouldn’t any leader regardless of gender be perceived to be a good leader if they had the same qualities?” These people said the model should portray a balance, as Katie Snapp said, ” … focusing on the female traits of compassion, inspiration, empathy and collaboration combined with more-masculine traits of bottom-line thinking, focus, directness and healthy competition.”

Offering another perspective, Dr. Christine McDougall says there is something good about accepting different models of leadership for men and women. She says, “We are not the same by nature, nor should we aspire to be.” McDougall believes that if men and women can stand side-by-side as co-leaders, honoring each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities with “…no shame, blame or righteousness” we will model great leadership.

Honestly, after years of NOT wanting to be recognized for my gender while working in male-dominated corporations, I have come to appreciate my feminine qualities and recognize the strength they bring to my work. I like that we honor our brilliant differences!

Therefore, even though I had many responses claiming a “one-size-fits-all” model of leadership should be set out for men and women, I still think it is good to identify the qualities that women can aspire to be as leaders building on the innate strengths they bring to the table.

Naomi Caietti shared this quote from the Corporate Gender Gap Report 2010 based on a survey of 600 of the heads of Human Resources at the world’s largest employers, “… the idea that most corporations have become gender-balanced or women-friendly is still a myth.” They cite the lack of female role models as one of the top three barriers to women’s rise to positions of senior leadership.

The question remains: Is a role model a position, a person or a way of being?

There were some women mentioned as role models, including Carol Tome, the CFO of Home Depot; Sandra Bullock for her graceful handling of her recent life chaos; and a chorus of incredible sisters, daughters, mothers and business partners. The entries were a great testament to the women who take charge with strength and grace. Thanks to Debbie Brown, Joyce Lansky, Lee Wennerberg and Susan Steinbrecher for their heartfelt contributions.

The winning entries, according to me, were from Frances Flynn Thorsen and Caroline Ryan. You can either read their original submissions here (scroll down to the comments) or read the synopsis in the Huffington Post article (scroll down to the shaded area). Both of these women profiled a real woman in a leadership role, identifying the behaviors she demonstrates and recognizing the mindset she has that makes her so remarkable.

Do we need to honor our models of female leadership or seek one model for all? I believe we can do both, but never forget what wonderful qualities men and women have to offer as we stand as different genders, side-by-side.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and teaches leadership around the world. Check out the thoughtful reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Second, I’m holding a contest. Here’s the background information. Scroll down if you’re impatient!

I was describing what I view as the emerging identity of strong, smart high-achieving women when a woman said, “It sounds like you advocate that women should be more like men. I would rather see men honor feminine power.”

I explained to her that I don’t think these women have lost their femininity. As women gain more freedom, education and economic power, they are becoming more confident and assertive. Being self-assured and outspoken does not mean a woman is not feminine. She is just a stronger woman.

Girls now are being brought up to be compassionate and assertive, sociable and analytical, collaborative and self-reliant, and empathetic and directive. Unfortunately, some people see powerful women as acting more like men. This is a short-sighted, unfair and damaging assessment.

That being said, I think the model of leadership for women needs to be redefined. The model must also allow women to be human, to be both aggressive in their pursuit of goals and to show vulnerability when they feel fear or disappointment, like any human would do.

Whether or not all people will accept these women as leaders, if we align around what we believe to be a feminine model of leadership, we can make an impact in the world. When all strong, smart women make their voices heard, we can tip the scales of power forever.

How then will we define our model of female leadership?

I am drawn to women who demonstrate strength and grace instead of trying to bully their way to the top by ridiculing others. Although the “pit bull” approach may get you noticed and you may be able to right some wrongs, “women of strength and grace” accomplish their goals differently. Showing confidence doesn’t have to include displaying your muscle.

Women of strength and grace admit when they are wrong, can change their mind as they learn and share a vision of the future that is so clear and inviting that others are eager to follow. This is a part of the model I’m building. What would you add or change?

Who are your role models of strength and grace? What woman do you know alive today who demonstrates intelligence, courage, compassion, decisiveness, assertiveness and passion? It could be your grandmother, Sandra Bullock, your former boss or even your daughter.

Share your model of strength and grace as a comment on this post. Include the person, if she exists, as well as the qualities.

I will work with a team of colleagues to pick the top three submissions from this blog, from the WanderWomanBook.com blog, from Huffington Post and from Facebook to win a copy of Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. I will then feature the winning submissions in an upcoming Huffington Post Blog. So even if you have bought the book, I’ll give you the gift of visibility.

If we can get clear on what we call a model of female leadership, we can begin to allow for, even honor, this behavior at work. We can quit defining women as too strong or too weak and never let them be who they are as the strong, smart, and wonderfully imperfect humans that know how to help their children, their companies or their countries succeed.

Contest ends midnight June 18th, pacific daylight time.

When I checked into the hotel, I was disappointed that I would be spending a week far from the city center with snow expected almost every day. I was teaching a leadership class so I would have little time to explore the city. The view out my window was populated by bare trees and a distant skyline.

Yet inside, something amazing was happening. High school children were laughing, sharing laptop screens and loudly debating in many different languages. The excitement in their eyes was enticing. This wasn’t a soccer team or random tourist group. They dressed in suits and carried their laptops with purpose.

MUN students after a long day

They were in The Hague for the MUN–Model United Nations. If you don’t know, the Hague is not only the seat of government for the Netherlands (Amsterdam is the capital but the government sits here), it is the judicial capital of the United Nations, where war criminals are tried and international disputes are arbitrated, hopefully. It is also known as the International City of Peace and Justice.

The Hague Model United Nations is the oldest and largest high school United Nations simulation in the world, gathering 4000 students from over 200 secondary schools across the globe. Students research a country, take on roles as diplomats, investigate international issues, debate, deliberate, consult, and then develop solutions to world problems.

How cool is that? I watched these kids interact for a week, literally having the times of their lives. If our future world leaders were in their midst, I felt both energized and hopeful.

I think it rubbed off. I taught a leadership class to the heads of terminal operations in a shipping company, one that had experienced many cuts and layoffs in the past year. Yet we all left the week feeling energized and hopeful.

I realized that seeing the spirit in the eyes of a child is both uplifting and inspiring.

Maybe the best way of coping with today’s problems is to focus on the possibilities in the future, the innovative ideas of the young (and young-at-heart), and the health of the planet we will soon entrust to them.

I now have an entirely new view of teenagers. I think I’ll go find one to mentor.

I hope not.

Instead consider, “What do I want to create next year?” You are full of gifts, capacity, intelligence, skills and love—you have everything you need to declare a new and exciting promise for yourself.

Peter Block, in his book Community: The Structure of Belonging, lists out a number of questions that can help you create a new context for seeing yourself and how you participate in the world. Here are a few questions to spark your mental circuitry:

• What is the “yes” you no longer mean? What do you want to say “yes” to instead?
• What is the gift you are holding in exile? What commitment to your gift are you willing to make?
• What is the positive feedback you receive that still surprises you? How can you share this gift more often?
• What could you do if you truly felt free?
• What are the new conversations you would like to create?

Now, picture next year based on what is possible for you. Please share it here if you are willing to make your declaration public.

There are many more mind-rattling questions in Peter’s book. I recommend the book both for personal transformation as well as for team and community development.

It’s time we change the conversations to be more generative than deficiency-based. Want to join me in this exploration?

I found in my research that high-achieving women tend to enjoy their victories, but only for a moment. They may dance a jig, call their friends or even fall to the ground full of gratitude and bliss. They celebrate well, but it doesn’t last. All too soon, they are on to the next challenge. There is always more to do and more barriers to break down. They don’t sport their smiling satisfaction for too long.

If you are a momentary celebrator, you are missing an opportunity to benefit from your pride. Researchers at Northeastern University found that people who feel proud make great team leaders. “The experience of pride can be very socially adaptive,” says Laura Williams, the study’s lead author. Their researchers found that when put in teams, the people who had just completed a task they excelled at were more dominant and likable than the other participants. People tended to follow their lead. The overall experience was positive.

It is good to feel good about yourself, which makes you smile a lot and carry yourself with confidence. Pride is a social lubricant. Therefore, the next time you complete a great accomplishment or you are rewarded for your ideas, take time to gloat. Carry your pride with you. Your joy will lighten up the spirit of those around you.

Unfortunately, the interview emphasized that women get less pay and are more flexible. They touched only briefly on the importance of having a balance of men and women in the workplace.

Recent studies in the United States, Great Britain and France show that companies with women comprising at least one-third of their leadership team make more money. In these countries, the more women on a company’s senior management team, the less its share price fell in 2008 during the economic downturn.

In another study that spanned the last 19 years, Pepperdine University found that the Fortune 500 companies with the best record of promoting women outperformed their competitors by anywhere from 41 to 116 percent.

A report released by Ernst & Young in the World Economic Forum in 2009, Groundbreakers: Using the strength of women to rebuild the global economy, shared research that demonstrated the need to capitalize on the contributions women make as leaders, entrepreneurs and employees when moving the world’s businesses and economies forward.

If you look at the talent pool, women represent 60% of university graduates in Europe and North America (70% in the United Arab Emirates).

I don’t think this should be an Us vs. Them conversation. I think it should be a We conversation. As we move out of the recession, how can companies develop a gender-balanced workforce at all levels? How can we move away from this conversation as a diversity issue into development and retention issue of top talent, regardless of gender?

This blog generally focuses on helping high-achieving women find contentment and direction. I also think it’s important for businesses to know how to retain and promote all their high-achievers, but especially the women since the numbers at the top levels are still embarrassingly low even though they can drastically improve profitability. I would love to quit talking about gender diversity, but until the workplace is balanced, we have to keep having the conversation. Please help me get the word out.

One of the best experiences I had working with organizational change was in my first job at a psychiatric hospital. Whenever a change was decreed, the managers brought their departments together for a formal “bitch session.” Everyone was allowed, even encouraged, to talk about their anger and their fear. Their concerns were noted. Managers had a chance to explain the decisions more fully, and they were able to acknowledge any oversights that might have been made when the decisions were made. Sometimes these concerns did affect the ultimate actions. Often, the changes continued as planned. But the employees felt heard and acknowledged regardless, allowing them to more quickly adjust and move into the change.

Complaining is a sign that a person is feeling a loss. It is better to help them recognize the loss, and then coach them to accept it or regain it in another way than to try to shut them down. Help them to see what they really want to ask for or to create for themselves in their life to deal with what they feel they are losing. The complaining will decrease. Compassion is the quickest route to action.

Excerpt from article posted by American Chronicle.