A colleague of mine had an opportunity to coach a famous couple. We talked about possible issues and approaches that would be significant for them. I felt we covered the bases.

Then I had a dream that night where I was coaching a couple. The conversation turned to balance. I woke clearly remembering what I shared with them. I’m not sure if I pulled this out of the recesses of my brain or if these thoughts are divinely inspired, but here is what I watched myself saying (with details added to make sense of dream talk)….

Every relationship starts out with a particular balance. This doesn’t mean equality. The balance is the agreement made between two people (often unspoken). It’s the psychological contract that builds trust.

The elements of the balance include the obvious things such as finances, household chores, child rearing, vacation time and time spent with the in-laws. The less obvious agreements include amount and substance of communication, shows of affection, support for personal problems, contribution to joint problems, honoring personal time and space, and involvement in business decisions.

This balance sets up the expectations in the relationship. Everything is fine while the balance is maintained.

If one person in the relationship changes the balance, or one person accepted a balance they didn’t like, there will be problems. Surrender turns into resentment over time.

Even if the elements of the relationship shift, the balance must be maintained, as if you are on a see-saw. I recently had a female client who was the breadwinner of the house lose her job. Her husband asked if he could spend time building his business before she took another position. This meant a shift in everything in their relationship, from household chores to personal time to involvement in business decisions. They needed to work out all the elements in the changing nature of their relationship.

The shift in the balance could be as big as a job change or as small as a change in your exercise schedule. The balance is disrupted every time you face a personal issue that you are struggling to resolve or a hidden desire that starts coming to the surface.

The only way to maintain this balance is through communication. We have expectations and desires anyway so you might as well put them out on the table and see if the balance can be made.

End of dream. How about that for insight! So the question remains, how do you create this balance?

In my first book, Capture the Rapture: How to Step Out of Your Head and Leap into Life, I outlined a method to “covision a relationship.” Whether you are working out the balance in your personal relationship or your work team, the process applies. Here are the steps in a nutshell:

Step 1.  Clarify Assumptions. Each person privately writes down what they expect to occur. The more details, the better. What is the picture of a week in your life together?

Step 2. Determine Your Measures of Success. Write the top three things you feel would be terrible to happen. Examples include, “problems get huge before they’re discussed,” and “money is spent without approval.” Under the second column, write the top three things you feel you must have to make the partnership work for you. An example might be, “we have a deep conversation at least twice a week.”

Step 3. Take turns reading your visions and lists aloud. Don’t argue points. Listen with respect.

Step 4. Construct a Covision. If there’s no disagreement, you’re home free. If you collide on an issue, take the time to work out your differences. If possible, go for a win-win approach, a solution that meets everyone’s needs.

Step 5. Make it Happen. Agree to actions to make your picture a reality.

Step 6. Toast the masterpiece you composed together.

Step 7.  Agree this balance will change over time.

Successful relationships depend not only on a balance, but communicating through shifts in the balance. Make it a habit to discuss and negotiate changing expectations regularly with everyone in your life to maintain a foundation of agreement and respect.

Yet this is the National Speakers Association. You would expect life-altering keynote speeches. Although I liked some of these presentations, they didn’t change my life. Yes, they stirred my heart and reminded me of what is important. But honestly-I won’t do anything differently tomorrow.

The problem is that the keynoters were telling me how to live. They told great stories. They opened my heart. Yet they didn’t trigger me to see life in a new way. Nothing new emerged.

They tried to solve my problems for me. They tried to get me to behave differently. They disguised this advice-giving with pathos, passion and humor. I retold some of their stories. I laughed and cried again.

If the point was to enrich my life with good emotions, they succeeded. If the goal was to transform me into a new human being, they failed.

They failed because they didn’t allow me to think for myself.

Giving advice doesn’t allow for the profound shifts to occur, the shifts that lead to new connections in the brain and real behavioral change. A powerful question that doesn’t have a prescribed answer, that causes me to be a bit uncomfortable and connects me to my personal reality has a greater chance of changing my life than incredible advice and persuasion.

For example, one speaker asked the question, “Are you brave enough to choose what matters?” There is only one right answer to this question. I might yell, “Yes!” but the question doesn’t confront why I won’t do anything differently when I get home and face my email.

Instead, if he had asked, “What are you committed to now that stops you from doing what you know would matter more?” Or, “What is the price you are paying for staying on the path you are on?” Or, as I ask in Wander Woman, “What have you imprisoned that wants to be free?” – and then had people write their answers down and even talk about them with a partner – he would have had a more lasting effect on the audience.

Peter Block in his book, Community, suggests we replace advice-giving with curiosity. Whether you are presenting or conversing, if you seek to understand the person you are speaking to—what is important to them, what is stopping them, and what are they holding back—new perspective and possibilities will emerge. Then, if you engage them in conversation to explore what promises they are willing to make that will change their lives, you are truly helping them solve their problems and grow.

I saw Peter boldly do this last year with his keynote speech. He spoke, but over half of his time he gave to us to explore the powerful questions he asked. The standing ovation he received was both enthusiastic and heartfelt.

More than anything, people want to be seen and heard. Whether you address a group or an individual, when you see them instead of speak at them, they are more apt to see themselves in your eyes. In the moment the reflection is clear, truth appears. Are you helping people grow by engaging them in understanding or keeping them small by telling them what to do?

Consider this the next time you speak to a group, an employee, a client, child, friend, or lover. Then please share your experiences here.

Want to increase the power of your presentations? Join Marsh Engle and me in Sedona in September. We will be working with only 10 people in 2-day pre-conference workshop, Speak Your Power, to define your message, craft a speech and confidently deliver it on stage on Saturday at the Amazing Woman’s Day conference.

http://www.amazingwomansday.com/sedona.htm

Second, I’m holding a contest. Here’s the background information. Scroll down if you’re impatient!

I was describing what I view as the emerging identity of strong, smart high-achieving women when a woman said, “It sounds like you advocate that women should be more like men. I would rather see men honor feminine power.”

I explained to her that I don’t think these women have lost their femininity. As women gain more freedom, education and economic power, they are becoming more confident and assertive. Being self-assured and outspoken does not mean a woman is not feminine. She is just a stronger woman.

Girls now are being brought up to be compassionate and assertive, sociable and analytical, collaborative and self-reliant, and empathetic and directive. Unfortunately, some people see powerful women as acting more like men. This is a short-sighted, unfair and damaging assessment.

That being said, I think the model of leadership for women needs to be redefined. The model must also allow women to be human, to be both aggressive in their pursuit of goals and to show vulnerability when they feel fear or disappointment, like any human would do.

Whether or not all people will accept these women as leaders, if we align around what we believe to be a feminine model of leadership, we can make an impact in the world. When all strong, smart women make their voices heard, we can tip the scales of power forever.

How then will we define our model of female leadership?

I am drawn to women who demonstrate strength and grace instead of trying to bully their way to the top by ridiculing others. Although the “pit bull” approach may get you noticed and you may be able to right some wrongs, “women of strength and grace” accomplish their goals differently. Showing confidence doesn’t have to include displaying your muscle.

Women of strength and grace admit when they are wrong, can change their mind as they learn and share a vision of the future that is so clear and inviting that others are eager to follow. This is a part of the model I’m building. What would you add or change?

Who are your role models of strength and grace? What woman do you know alive today who demonstrates intelligence, courage, compassion, decisiveness, assertiveness and passion? It could be your grandmother, Sandra Bullock, your former boss or even your daughter.

Share your model of strength and grace as a comment on this post. Include the person, if she exists, as well as the qualities.

I will work with a team of colleagues to pick the top three submissions from this blog, from the WanderWomanBook.com blog, from Huffington Post and from Facebook to win a copy of Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. I will then feature the winning submissions in an upcoming Huffington Post Blog. So even if you have bought the book, I’ll give you the gift of visibility.

If we can get clear on what we call a model of female leadership, we can begin to allow for, even honor, this behavior at work. We can quit defining women as too strong or too weak and never let them be who they are as the strong, smart, and wonderfully imperfect humans that know how to help their children, their companies or their countries succeed.

Contest ends midnight June 18th, pacific daylight time.

Unfortunately, the interview emphasized that women get less pay and are more flexible. They touched only briefly on the importance of having a balance of men and women in the workplace.

Recent studies in the United States, Great Britain and France show that companies with women comprising at least one-third of their leadership team make more money. In these countries, the more women on a company’s senior management team, the less its share price fell in 2008 during the economic downturn.

In another study that spanned the last 19 years, Pepperdine University found that the Fortune 500 companies with the best record of promoting women outperformed their competitors by anywhere from 41 to 116 percent.

A report released by Ernst & Young in the World Economic Forum in 2009, Groundbreakers: Using the strength of women to rebuild the global economy, shared research that demonstrated the need to capitalize on the contributions women make as leaders, entrepreneurs and employees when moving the world’s businesses and economies forward.

If you look at the talent pool, women represent 60% of university graduates in Europe and North America (70% in the United Arab Emirates).

I don’t think this should be an Us vs. Them conversation. I think it should be a We conversation. As we move out of the recession, how can companies develop a gender-balanced workforce at all levels? How can we move away from this conversation as a diversity issue into development and retention issue of top talent, regardless of gender?

This blog generally focuses on helping high-achieving women find contentment and direction. I also think it’s important for businesses to know how to retain and promote all their high-achievers, but especially the women since the numbers at the top levels are still embarrassingly low even though they can drastically improve profitability. I would love to quit talking about gender diversity, but until the workplace is balanced, we have to keep having the conversation. Please help me get the word out.

One of the best experiences I had working with organizational change was in my first job at a psychiatric hospital. Whenever a change was decreed, the managers brought their departments together for a formal “bitch session.” Everyone was allowed, even encouraged, to talk about their anger and their fear. Their concerns were noted. Managers had a chance to explain the decisions more fully, and they were able to acknowledge any oversights that might have been made when the decisions were made. Sometimes these concerns did affect the ultimate actions. Often, the changes continued as planned. But the employees felt heard and acknowledged regardless, allowing them to more quickly adjust and move into the change.

Complaining is a sign that a person is feeling a loss. It is better to help them recognize the loss, and then coach them to accept it or regain it in another way than to try to shut them down. Help them to see what they really want to ask for or to create for themselves in their life to deal with what they feel they are losing. The complaining will decrease. Compassion is the quickest route to action.

Excerpt from article posted by American Chronicle.

When it comes to business, it’s the companies that “spend their way out of the recession” who become the champions. Now is the time to innovate. Kellogg became the industry leader by doubling its ad budget during the Great Depression. Apple introduced the iPod in 2001, six weeks after September 11th. Whether you work for someone or yourself, if you show courage and imagination, you can help your company emerge on top.

Most importantly, this requires you monitor your mood and shift to hope and possibility as often as you can. Recently, a study was done where 360 degree feedback assessments were given out to over 11,000 leaders. The number one most common failure of leader: the lack of energy and enthusiasm. The leader sets the emotional tone.

Are you aware of how you are showing up?

3 Signs of Stress to Watch Out For

The recession has taken an emotional toll on all of us. Watch out for these signs of stress:
1. Working too hard. When times are tough, we tend to double our efforts. Putting in 10-hour days will not save your company from the recession — it will tire you out and render you ineffective.
2. Loss of self. Stress can cause us to withdraw or do things out of character. If you’re losing your personality or skipping things that used to be important to you, step back and evaluate your stress level.
3. Delusions of grandeur. We all like to think we’re important. However, it is unlikely that your job directly affects the fate of your entire company. Keep your role in perspective — taking a break won’t break the company.

You can read more about the sources of stress and how to manage them at www.outofstress.com

I’ll share pieces of the pages with you as I go along. I know I’ll use some of these posts. Please comment whenever you feel the urge when share thoughts with you; I could use your insights.

Thank you for your support.

I cared enough to teach them. I cared enough to look them in the eyes when I talked. I cared enough to let them speak, complain, explore and discover even when it wasn’t on the agenda. I cared enough to help them when they asked for it during breaks and after.

I am a well-trained storyteller. I coach and facilitate when I teach. Yet my class knows that I am there to improve their lives not just give them skills. I care about who they are as humans.

The result is a connection far bigger than the content alone could ever provide.

Whether you are teaching, managing, presenting, mentoring or leading a team, if you have respect but you don’t sincerely care, you are no better than the glib but disconnected professor you had in school.

When it comes to human relations, it’s never all about you. It’s about them. The person who cares the most about others, wins.

Recently, a very frustrated client complained, “I tried my hardest to help my team. They just don’t get it. I only want them to succeed.”

I know her pain very well as a painful lesson I had to learn. It wasn’t until I fully experienced the power of true coaching that I understood the distinction between serving and fixing those we live and work with.

As a high achiever, we often blur being a leader with being a helper. When you view what you are doing as “helping” someone to do things correctly, you are functioning from a position of greater power. You are stronger than the person you are helping who has lesser strength.

Others sense this unequal relationship. If they came to you as unequal, that you are the great one with knowledge, they will eagerly hear. If not, they won’t hear you. Their resentment speaks louder than your words. They may even retaliate by doing something stupid or nothing at all. Then you judge them even more harshly. Ouch. Have you ever complained about having to parent another adult? Maybe you are trying too hard to fix them.

By contrast, “service is a relationship between equals.” It is mutual. Serving is responding to a problem and collaborating to find the solution. You honor the wisdom of experience within the person you are serving and seek to open their eyes to the possibilities that are forming in their minds. In that service, you benefit as well. In the connection we have with those whom we serve both personal and spiritual growth occurs.

Serving definitely feels different from fixing. For one, you’ll be less impatient. You will also know more love and compassion in the process, even when your modus operandi is to close your heart at work. Quit fixing and start caring, truly believing in the greatness in others, and see how your team performs. This might help your relationships, too (sorry, you can’t fix your mate).

Dr. Rachel Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, writes, “Service rests on the basic premise that the nature of life is sacred, that life is a holy mystery which has an unknown purpose. When we serve, we know that we belong to life and to that purpose. When you help you see life as weak, when you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life whole.”

May we each seek to serve instead of fix when we see a problem. In doing so we can experience life not just as our great accomplishment, but as a beautiful, complex, sometimes difficult and always amazing ride.