As women, we are always told to stand up for our ideas and values. I continue to read articles that say women back down too often.

On the other hand, my female clients tell me their problem is picking their battles.

Their problem is knowing both:

1. How to stand up for themselves in a way that doesn’t make other people wrong (unless that is the intention).
2. When to not take a comment or action personally and let it go.

The first problem deals with the tone and reason for standing up for yourself. In working with the archetypes, one of my clients found she identified with the Warrior too often. Whenever someone suggested something that triggered her to react, she took out her sword and cut off their head with her words.

On further exploration, she found that when people didn’t agree with her well-researched work or they kept presenting a different perspective with no attention to hers, her brain interpreted their interpolation as disrespect for her intelligence and a devaluing of her experience.

First, we worked on her awareness—sensing the anger in her body before she opened her mouth. When she could catch this, she would then breathe and choose one word to focus on. In this case, it was the archetype she wanted to develop—the Collaborator.

With this new perspective, she asked more questions before she went on the attack. Then she could determine if there needed to be a comparison of perspectives she could then use to work toward a compromise OR if she needed to take a more direct approach. If she then surmised that her position was not being valued, she could choose to stand up for herself with a more direct message or question to determine why her position was not being taken seriously.

Second, working on her awareness also gave her room to determine if the comment that triggered her anger was worthy of her energy. Some annoying people are not really harmful. And sometimes one question can clarify the true intention of someone’s actions or words.

One of my clients was angry at her boss for not inviting her to a dinner that the rest of the team attended. When she asked about it, he gave her the name of the administrator who created the list. It was an oversight that had no personal meaning. Be careful of assuming the worst.

This leads me to the last tip—assume good intention. Even if you aren’t feeling compassionate, can you first assume good intent? This will open you to being more curious than reactive. From this perspective, you can best choose your battles.

What tips do you have for choosing when and how to stand up for yourself?

I am a verbal processor. I tend to lay out the foundation for my thoughts before I announce my conclusion. I don’t ramble as much as I used to, but I want you to know what led to my perspective so we both understand what I’m talking about.

This isn’t working so well anymore, especially in my writing. I might be able to engage you face-to-face with my delivery. On paper, I lose you way too quickly. It’s time I lay out my point up front, clearly and concisely.

I witnessed this last week when Huffington posted my article on whether or not women are retreating in life. My title was Women Who Don’t Give Up. Before posting the article, the Huffington editors changed the title to Yoga and Homemaking: The New Future of Women?

I didn’t think the title was as misleading as it turned out to be. My entire premise was to say that although women might like yoga and homemaking, most were not retreating to these as a way of life. After linking to an article that inferred they were, I went on to talk about the women I know who are embracing their grand adventure of life wholeheartedly.

If you look at the comments, you’ll see most of them think I was putting down yoga and homemaking.

So whose fault is it that they missed the point?

There is not much I can do about the shrinking attention span. Concentration drifts after a paragraph or two. Then if readers stay with the article, most shift to reading just the first line of each paragraph to get to the end. Nicholas Carr said, “Once I was a scuba diver in the sea of words. Now I zip along the surface like a guy on a Jet Ski.”

Right or wrong, this is the truth. I’m guilty of skimming and “power browsing” myself. I haven’t read an entire book for a year.

So I have made a promise to myself, and you, to get to the point sooner and leave the foundation, and the entertainment, for later just in case you want to take a break to go deeper in thought with me.

Then if we get the glorious moment to meet live like I had the opportunity to do this week with two women I met through social media, we can ramble to our hearts content.

If you stayed with me to the end of this post, I would love to hear your point of view on this phenomenon.

Always being right not only hurts your relationships, but it is also a heavy responsibility to bear. You have to work harder to discount other people’s ideas than if you just looked for the value in their suggestions.

Yet, because “being the one who knows” is foundational to your sense of self, you may feel uncomfortable letting go of this persona. The practice is worth it — life is so much easier and healthier when you don’t have to be right.

Opening my mind to the possibility that someone else could come up with a useful idea was a breakthrough in my relationship with my former boss. I was complaining to my coach about how my boss disrespected me by forcing me to accept his ideas without hearing mine when she explained,

“He is doing his best with the amount of light he has; his light is small while yours is large. But he is doing his best with what he has.”

I loved that explanation until she added, “Now, you have the responsibility to model what big light looks like.”

I knew she was right. If I was truly “the person who knows better” then I had to slow down my negative reactions to his contrary ideas.

Funny thing—when I quieted my defensive mind enough to hear him out, I found some interesting kernels in what he proposed. When I began acknowledging his ideas, he in turn asked to hear mine, which he then praised.

That’s when I realized that two people who like to be right will never have a satisfying discussion until one of them lowers the wall.

Here’s my challenge to you…let someone else be right this week on something that matters to you. You can offer another point of view, but only after you acknowledge that their perception has value. Let me know what happens.

Taken from Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction, to be released June 15th. You can reply to this post at www.BurdenofGreatness.com

He said, “You always do good work. Do I have to tell you?”

I sucked in my ego and said, “Yes, I need to hear you say this.”

He responded by saying, “Fine, but you never tell me when I do a good job.”

No matter if you are expecting particular behavior from your boss, your spouse, your neighbor or your children, you often have to model the behavior you want to see. We especially forget this when dealing with positions of authority. We get angry when they don’t demonstrate “the right behavior.” Yet we are the best teachers when it comes to showing people how to treat us.

Whatever relationship you are managing, when you find yourself disappointed with their behavior, ask yourself if you have given them what you want in return. Give recognition, respect, patience, interest and compassion. Then if you don’t get these in return, be clear what specific behavior you want to see from them in the future and why.

Then when people give us what we want, sincerely acknowledge the behavior with grace. How do you know you have a good relationship? You are both working on it. When you quit working on it, the relationship is over.

On this note, Valerie Williams has been coaching and teaching executives how to be powerfully present for years. She just launched a great new book called The Influence Puzzle: 6 Aspects of Powerful Executive Presence http://bit.ly/5AXsm

In today’s environment of information overload, unless there is a compelling reason for people to pay attention to you, they don’t. Val’s book provides is a 6-part model for how to cultivate the executive presence that a leader needs to create impact in these challenging times. Through applying the pieces of the puzzle in this book, you will have a greater impact on people and circumstances more quickly and with less effort.

How to create an inspiring presence has always been a puzzling question. The Influence Puzzle provides real answers.

I’ll share pieces of the pages with you as I go along. I know I’ll use some of these posts. Please comment whenever you feel the urge when share thoughts with you; I could use your insights.

Thank you for your support.

Gary Hamel gives some suggestions for renegades to make changes in his book, The Future of Management. Here are some ideas:

• Instead of launching a major change program, design a couple of low-cost, low risk experiments that demonstrate your idea will work. This way, you can gather data to use when you face resistance from those not wanting try something new. Hold on to your revolutionary idea, but take evolutionary steps.

• Find a champion at the executive level who believes in you. This person can at least provide emotional support if not resources, and will stand by your side when you start your campaign. Then as you begin to get results, get as many champions as you can. In this way, you use your influence more than your strength.
•  If you can, engage people to help you by laying out a challenge in the form of a game. The younger generation loves solving problems and challenges, as they do online. Lay out your experiment in the spirit of fun and people will show up. In this way, you can validate your theory cheaply and quickly before bringing it out to the larger group.
•  Be clear on the results you are looking for, especially if they can be measured. Then learn from your mistakes while persisting with your plan even in the face of resistance.
  In the end, imagine your innovation in detail, and then take the steps to make it real.

What innovation are you willing to try today?

I pulled my hand away from him and gasped. His truth had taken my breath away.

He added, “I know fighting helped you get where you are today. And now it’s time you learn how to truly connect with and persuade the top guys to understand your passion and to see your point of view.”

The “pit bull” approach (credited to Governor Palin) mirrors the behaviors many high-achieving women take to get noticed, to right the wrongs they see, and to earn their chance to gain higher titles and promotions.

Yet, as Lynne Healy said in her comment to my last post, “women of strength” do it differently.

This is one of the greatest challenges for high-achieving women—to know when to stop fighting. This doesn’t mean they should back down. It means they know when to present what they believe as an intelligent and authentic speaker in a way that others will hear, understand and hopefully, align with their thinking.

Women are drawing their lines in the sand. This is all the more reason that those who stand out should be seen as models of reason, compassion and of course, good humor. It is not time to be dubbed cock fighters (yes, I meant the double entendre).

The opposite of weak is not brutish. The opposite of having no balls is visible integrity in action and deeds and a vision of the future that is so clear and inviting that all people will be eager to follow.

Did my boss have to pat my hand and call me “dear”? He got my attention and angered me enough to change my ways. I thank him for that.

Thank all of you who posted after my last comment on the selection of Palin as a VP candidate…this isn’t the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him. The women who wrote offer wonderful programs for emerging women leaders both in corporations and in public seminars. Please visit my blog to read their comments.

Although I do not align with her values, Palin gave an inspiring speech full of passion and she was clearly authentic. In the first half of her speech (I’ll get to the second half in a moment,) I love how she modeled that self-promotion can be powerful; I hope aspiring women everywhere noticed how well she did.

I recently read a study that found women still uncomfortable asking for raises. What was most interesting is that it’s not that they are afraid to ask; they expect that their good work will be recognized without having to ask for it.

The truth…when you let people know your value, you are not bragging. You are informing. Waiting can give people the rationalization for not giving you what you deserve.

And if you are not given the raise or promotion you asked for, ask (with a sense of curiosity, not frustration) what specific behaviors you must demonstrate in order to be rewarded in the future. Be persistent about getting a clear response that is observable and measurable to support your requests in the future.

Now, Palin part two…when she slipped into making mean-spirited comments about Obama that attacked him personally instead of the specifics of his political plans, she reverted to having to put others down to make herself look better. She lost me there. This tactic will only appeal to those who want to like her. I know this was a political convention. Yet if she is a tradition buster, she could have busted this tradition as well. A strong woman isn’t necessarily a “woman of strength.” I don’t think we need women who are fighters (and especially ones who want Victory more than they want peace). I think it is time we promote women who are smart and savvy.

Again, whether it is in politics or in an organization, let’s not support just any woman getting the leadership job. Let’s speak out for the right one.