I am on my way to Kazakhstan. I am excited about being able to report to you from there.

In the meantime, I think adding a bit of history in addition to geography might be just as interesting.

I want to share an experience from my last trip to Denmark. I had the chance to visit one of the most beautiful modern art museums in the world, the Louisiana. The building looks like an old plantation house sitting on beautiful grounds with fabulous sculptures like the attached picture. It is situated down the coast from Copenhagen facing the North Sea.

They had an exhibit on avant-garde female artists, designers and architects of the 1920s through the 1940s in Europe. Their courage to challenge both traditional art forms and life styles for women paralleled the women’s movement. Theirs were names I never heard of…Dora Maar (influenced by her lover, Picasso), Germaine Dulac (experimental film-maker and progressive writer on the social impact of films), Sonia Delaunay (a true “colorist” in both art and fashion design), Florence Henri (amazing photographer of women clothed and nude), Hannah Hoch (a driving force in the Dada movement), and Sophie Taueber-Arp (a courageous art activist).

Please look at the links I provided. They paint short stories or provide samples of the amazing work each of these women dedicated their lives to. They were committed to expressing themselves in a world that rarely listened to women. They exemplified the power, grace and potential of women. They believed in finding and sharing their authenticity and passion. I think you will be inspired getting to know these amazing women.

In the United States, we often think the women’s movement started here. Not true. Activism, and laws on equal rights, started in Western Europe and the UK before we raised the flag. We still lag behind Europe and other parts of the world in the numbers of women leaders both in business and government. Maybe it’s time we get curious about women in the world today and in the past.

I hope to stir your interest by sharing what I learn.

Please comment on the site if you have stories and insights to share, too.

As women, we are always told to stand up for our ideas and values. I continue to read articles that say women back down too often.

On the other hand, my female clients tell me their problem is picking their battles.

Their problem is knowing both:

1. How to stand up for themselves in a way that doesn’t make other people wrong (unless that is the intention).
2. When to not take a comment or action personally and let it go.

The first problem deals with the tone and reason for standing up for yourself. In working with the archetypes, one of my clients found she identified with the Warrior too often. Whenever someone suggested something that triggered her to react, she took out her sword and cut off their head with her words.

On further exploration, she found that when people didn’t agree with her well-researched work or they kept presenting a different perspective with no attention to hers, her brain interpreted their interpolation as disrespect for her intelligence and a devaluing of her experience.

First, we worked on her awareness—sensing the anger in her body before she opened her mouth. When she could catch this, she would then breathe and choose one word to focus on. In this case, it was the archetype she wanted to develop—the Collaborator.

With this new perspective, she asked more questions before she went on the attack. Then she could determine if there needed to be a comparison of perspectives she could then use to work toward a compromise OR if she needed to take a more direct approach. If she then surmised that her position was not being valued, she could choose to stand up for herself with a more direct message or question to determine why her position was not being taken seriously.

Second, working on her awareness also gave her room to determine if the comment that triggered her anger was worthy of her energy. Some annoying people are not really harmful. And sometimes one question can clarify the true intention of someone’s actions or words.

One of my clients was angry at her boss for not inviting her to a dinner that the rest of the team attended. When she asked about it, he gave her the name of the administrator who created the list. It was an oversight that had no personal meaning. Be careful of assuming the worst.

This leads me to the last tip—assume good intention. Even if you aren’t feeling compassionate, can you first assume good intent? This will open you to being more curious than reactive. From this perspective, you can best choose your battles.

What tips do you have for choosing when and how to stand up for yourself?

How can this be bad?

Just because you can see the bigger picture doesn’t mean everyone else will automatically see and accept your point of view. You still have to get buy-in for your ideas. If you don’t, the people you judge as short-sighted will be just as reluctant and frustrated as you when working toward a solution. Here are four tips to help you convince people to see things from your point of view:

1. Listen for individual needs and perspective. Before anyone will agree with you, they need to be able to express what they need, especially if they feel their needs must be met soon. If you are working with a group, it’s likely that there will be some interdependencies. You can these use your broad-based perspective to string these needs together into a common ground where people see the value of helping each other.
2. Get agreement on the ultimate goal. If there are no immediate connections that tie together everyone’s needs, then the best thing to do is to facilitate a dialogue to define the ultimate goal that you are trying to meet. The goal then becomes the anchor for prioritizing needs and exploring consequences when choosing to focus on action plans.
3. Create a compelling vision. Once the ultimate goal is defined, share the picture you see of what is possible when the goal is met. Paint the picture that demonstrates how everyone’s needs will be met or minimized. Entice people to set aside their personal attachments by asking them to commit to the shared vision.
4. Refrain from pushing. When we see the bigger picture, we often see the dangers in how other people view the problem. Yet making them wrong without getting their buy-in creates stronger resistance to your ideas. You may tend to steamroll your own ideas as the right thing to do. If you do this, you will be judged as bossy instead of passionate and insensitive instead of committed to the results. This will hurt your relationships and possibly hinder your career path. Be patient. As they say, good things come to those who wait.

If you follow these tips, it won’t be long before you are seen as a visionary. People will seek your perspective instead of being irritated by it. Wouldn’t that be nice?

These were some of the wonderful words of advice that Dr. Ella Bell, professor at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth, gave us during the Women’s Leadership conference I spoke at last week in Cleveland.

Dr. Bell was talking about the changes that still need to be made in the workplace. I think her words ring true for the changes that need to be made in the world.

I hate hearing horror stories of how women treat each other. At work, women young and old still hurt each other by limiting access to important meetings and committees, withholding information, and blocking contact with mentors and higher-ups.

I question if only women do this. I have experienced men who do this as well. I believe this type of behavior, ranging from ignoring people to outright backstabbing reflects the fears we are feeling and a scarcity mindset more than the habits of gender.

This lack of trust has grown as our economy keeps sputtering. The animosity displayed by our leaders has brought out the worst in everyone else. People are driven by fear, pitting them against each other instead of inspiring them to work together to rise above the crisis.

I’ve been teaching leaders for 30 years. I wouldn’t count on this sweeping change of leadership behavior to happen anytime soon.

Therefore, I recommend to my coaching clients, most of them women, that they actively find friends and create their own “positive conspiracies of change.” I also coach them on how they can bring this behavior into the fabric of their corporate cultures and communities.

This covert operation benefits everyone. When we speak with one voice, we can change the world.

You might be thinking that you are too busy for this. Working women tend to put their personal relationships on the back burner behind work and family. The truth is, you need to make time for your friendships for both your present happiness and your future growth.

Besides helping to make changes at work, friends open doors and connect you with other people. They also talk with you and sometimes are just silent with you when life is overwhelming or discouraging, something women do better than men who want to fix you. Women in different positions at work can provide critical eyes to help you navigate your own path.

Biologically, when you socially connect with other women, you activate the brain regions that improve health and increase creativity. Women respond to threats in four ways: Fight, Flight, Flee, and Friend. Having good friends to call is a major stress release.

If you work alone or you don’t have a way of creating a conspiracy among women in your company, you can assemble a community from women in your external networks. Look for like-minded women in your professional associations, in classes at your local universities and colleges, and even at your gym.

When looking for other women to hang out with, choose women with positive outlooks who:

• Are willing to accept help as well as offer it,
• Will commit to showing up physically and mentally when you schedule time together,
• Are on their own personal development journeys, and
• Are willing to share their personal concerns and dreams while having a sincere desire to hear yours.

Also, make sure you have at least one woman in your network who will be honest and compassionately direct with you even when you don’t ask for her opinion. Find someone who will not back down when you adamantly defend yourself. Having at least one person who is willing to be honest with you is critical for your growth.

Let’s put the “catfight” myth to rest. It’s time to collaborate and trust one another. Start forming your positive conspiracies today.

Gloria said the people she worked with would say to her, “Come Auntie, let’s talk story.”

She quickly discovered they called all adult women Auntie. She fortunately surmised this was an important opportunity. She let go of the piles of work she had to do, choosing to go with the group to a place they could talk.

The people in her office eagerly listened to her stories about her parents migrating from China to the United States and how she had to pursue degrees at Sarah Lawrence and Harvard on her own because her parents didn’t think it was wise for a woman to spend her life that way.

Once they knew her stories, they not only trusted her but respected her.

We bond when we share stories. We feel a kinship on this life’s journey. We know the person we are with is as human as we are with struggles, triumphs, dreams, disappointments and surprises. Our judgment fades away. Our hearts soften when we hear each other’s stories.

I’m amazed how I keep learning this lesson sitting on airplanes. Whatever judgment I had about the person sitting too close to me fades when I hear their story. I still might choose to work, read, or watch something else than spend the flight talking to my seatmate, but the silly feelings of annoyance melt away.

When we listen to each other’s stories, we often see the similarities in our experiences, our struggles and our desires.

When I coach teams, I often ask each person to describe their perfect day one year from now, from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep. When they share their dreams for both work and their home lives, the members are always amazed at how similar they are. A special rapport develops which helps them collaborate when they shift to tackling their work problems and actions.

Familiarity brings us together. Then, we open the space to ask each other, “What’s next?” Instead of feeling as if we are separate, we feel we are on a journey together.

What relationship could you improve by setting a time to share stories? What story could you add to your next presentation to better connect with your audience? What person would you like to know better by asking to hear their story?

What story would you like to share here? Come Aunties, let’s talk story.

I might have considered putting Controller on the list but there are elements of control in the Queen, Commander and Superstar archetypes combined with some positive behaviors. Yet being a Control Freak can yield good results in some circumstances, right?

I know that in order to climb the corporate ladder as quickly as I did in my younger years, I had to take charge of things from time to time and make sure work was done correctly. The same goes for my own business. I better like being in control if I want to be successful as a solopreneur.

As with most strengths, there is a dark side of abundance. The same goes for being a Controller. When other people should be included in a project or decision, if their ideas are silenced or shot down, they lose motivation and often feel resentful. Eventually they think, “Why bother, you are going to do what you want anyway.” Resistance falls away and we Controllers go happily on our way thinking we are doing the right thing.

The problem is that we often don’t know we are being overly controlling. We justify our behavior thinking we are being efficient, time-sensitive or just plain right. This can yield great results yet hurt relationships.

And what happens if you get sick or called away to do something else? No one else can do your work well because you maintained such a tight control over what gets done and what decisions are made.

I am considering adding Controller to the archetype list. Would you have to circle this word if I asked you to identify your dominant behavioral patterns? How would you know this is you?

Please share the signs you have come to realize that signify you are in Control Freak mode. This will help us all make better decisions about who we should include in the moment.

If you feel you suffer from chronic Control Freak behavior, you might want to check out the book, The Control Freak Revolution by Cheryl Cran. Let me know what you learn.

I am a verbal processor. I tend to lay out the foundation for my thoughts before I announce my conclusion. I don’t ramble as much as I used to, but I want you to know what led to my perspective so we both understand what I’m talking about.

This isn’t working so well anymore, especially in my writing. I might be able to engage you face-to-face with my delivery. On paper, I lose you way too quickly. It’s time I lay out my point up front, clearly and concisely.

I witnessed this last week when Huffington posted my article on whether or not women are retreating in life. My title was Women Who Don’t Give Up. Before posting the article, the Huffington editors changed the title to Yoga and Homemaking: The New Future of Women?

I didn’t think the title was as misleading as it turned out to be. My entire premise was to say that although women might like yoga and homemaking, most were not retreating to these as a way of life. After linking to an article that inferred they were, I went on to talk about the women I know who are embracing their grand adventure of life wholeheartedly.

If you look at the comments, you’ll see most of them think I was putting down yoga and homemaking.

So whose fault is it that they missed the point?

There is not much I can do about the shrinking attention span. Concentration drifts after a paragraph or two. Then if readers stay with the article, most shift to reading just the first line of each paragraph to get to the end. Nicholas Carr said, “Once I was a scuba diver in the sea of words. Now I zip along the surface like a guy on a Jet Ski.”

Right or wrong, this is the truth. I’m guilty of skimming and “power browsing” myself. I haven’t read an entire book for a year.

So I have made a promise to myself, and you, to get to the point sooner and leave the foundation, and the entertainment, for later just in case you want to take a break to go deeper in thought with me.

Then if we get the glorious moment to meet live like I had the opportunity to do this week with two women I met through social media, we can ramble to our hearts content.

If you stayed with me to the end of this post, I would love to hear your point of view on this phenomenon.

When I take a step back and breath, I know better than to take up the sword. That is fighting fire with fire.

Instead, I hope people ask the questions,

* What can we do to come together to show we not only care for the victims, but that we stand for peaceful, respectful debate and honoring each other above our differences?
* How can we better understand what would drive a human to such horrific actions?
* How can we rise above the hate to use compassion and hope to heal the wounds of our country?

My greatest hope is that Representative Gifford survives and becomes a voice for bridging our differences. She is a smart, strong woman. I pray for her return to the platform.

Karl and I chose to see Lake Atitlan while in Guatemala last week. A number of people have told me about the beauty of the lake. The tours added in a boat trip and visit to three villages around the edge of the lake.

Before we booked the trip, we got a tip from a local at dinner that was reinforced by a man on the shuttle bus on the way to the lake. In fact, the man on the bus suggested we only visit one village and take in the sense of it instead of hustling to the many stops we could take.

The tip was to visit the smallest village with a boat launch, San Juan. It wasn’t one of the three most visited. It was less commercial and we wouldn’t be followed around by street vendors.

We needed a peaceful day. It sounded perfect.

What’s more, the village is sustained by a woman’s cooperative of weavers, artists and shop owners. When I discovered that, I naturally desired to support them.

San Juan is a lovely village. We walked up the hill past three generations of women weaving and painting (and some men). The streets are clean. The walls of buildings are painted with beautiful murals. No one pressured us to buy anything.

We had a lovely lunch overlooking the lake in a restaurant run by two women.

It’s true that there were few tourists visiting this town. That was part of its charm. But I couldn’t help but wonder if they could sell enough to live.

Yet the town had been there for many years. The women seemed joyful. And all the residents seemed to take pride in their shared home.

What does it take to be successful? If women, and a few men, come together in “communities” to make a living doing what we love, can we not create a life of beauty, love and peace?

I do some of my best work with my coaching “communities” though we are spread across the world. I honor DJ Mitsch who created The Pyramid Resource Group, a corporate coaching organization. She had the vision of pulling coaches together to not only work big contracts, but to learn and grow together on a regular basis. We meet on the phone twice a month to talk about work, life, celebrations and disappointments. Pyramid is my San Juan.

After leaving San Juan, we took a short “tuk tuk” ride to San Pedro. It was a much bigger town with a noisy, crowded market. I might have enjoyed the lively area if we hadn’t visited San Juan first. But not wanting to lose the sense of freedom I felt from walking the streets of the smaller community, we headed back to the boat launch.

Now that I am home, I look at the pictures and see another world far away. Another world that my heart can follow as I participate in my communities and work to support women doing work we love. I won’t forget.

What communities do you belong to? I would love to read more examples of the cooperative way of life.

I heard a teenage girl scream. I turned around in time to see her rush into the arms of a man as she said, “I love you madly, dadly.” They hugged and declared how glad they were to see each other.

Then her dad asked her how school was going. She said, “I got an A in Math.”

He responded, “You were surprised?”

“Well, dad you know, it could have gone another way.”

“Not my girl.”

She then changed the subject. My luggage arrived so I left the reunion.

The scene haunted me as I headed for the car rental shuttle. I remember my father saying similar things to me. When I was looking for acknowledgment of an accomplishment, I got a back-handed compliment that felt more like a reprimand. Not only did my father expect me to earn A’s, he layered the pressure on me by suggesting I would achieve great results with no effort. Therefore, I didn’t really need acknowledgment.

I never felt as if I could do enough to please him. I always felt there was more I could do. Plus, I couldn’t help but feel that if the work was difficult, there was something wrong with me.

As a high-achiever, I’m still holding myself to ridiculous standards which lead me to beat myself up for simple mistakes and less than perfect results.

At least I have become aware of the “burden of greatness” my parents imposed on me. I am working to be more compassionate with myself and more accepting when others want to give me the gifts of praise.

Unfortunately, it took me decades to figure this out. My hope is that parents of high-achievers get this message so they don’t unnecessarily burden their brilliant kids. Please pass this on to the parents you know.

Expectations are not compliments. Don’t confuse the two.

When you notice great results by someone–adults as well as children–tell them even if you think they must know how great they are. Your generous words are not only wonderful gifts, they are good food for the brain.

Let’s make this coming year the Year of Appreciation.