“Where they burn books, so too will they in the end burn human beings.”

German poet Heinrich Heine wrote these words in 1821 referring to the burning of the Muslim holy book, the Qur’an, during the Spanish Inquisition. Heine’s books were later burned by the Nazis because he was a Jew.

When I heard about the book burning planned next Saturday in the small church in Florida, I had to write something. I even imagined myself flying there and standing on the spot they intend to do the burning.

I intellectually understand the right to spout off words of hate in the name of free speech. I emotionally cannot fathom burning things that are dear to people to prove a point.

I travel extensively outside of our country. Our image has been tarnished for years. We are not seen as the greatest country anymore. Besides hurting our reputation, this image hurts our pocket books. We cannot afford being arrogant anymore.

When I listen to the news, I rarely hear the voice of good sense come forward. In my own state, Arizona, no one seems to be standing up to the hate-mongering going on in our government, not even the current Democratic candidate who seems to be hiding out on Facebook and in safe home parties.

This week starts the Jewish New Year. This book burning, which might as well include the Old Testament along with the Qur’an (I heard the pastor say that he was most offended that the book does not recognize Jesus as the son of God), feels like a violation more than an expression of values.

When I think about the growing anger and divisiveness in my community and country, I feel helpless. Is there any way we can begin this new year in on a different note? Please join me in doing whatever you can to shift the consciousness back to honoring each other for the beauty in our differences instead of attacking each other and focusing on the worst of stereotypes for any given group.

I believe religious book burning is Anti-American. When does free speech become a violation?

This made total sense to me. The more you feel disgust, the more close-minded you are.

The beauty of the article was in the follow-on study where they paired the “disgusted people” with objects of their disgust. They objects of disgust were instructed to share stories about their families, their upbringing, their struggles and their joys.

The ending is totally predictable. When we listen to people’s stories, we realize how similar we all are. Disgust melts into empathy. Intolerance decreases.

So how can we use this information at home, in the workplace, in our neighborhoods and in creating a larger global community?

I am writing this post while sitting on an Asian airplane in Hong Kong, laying over until we take off for Singapore. On the way to China, the airplane was full of people different from me. They ate differently, disobeyed travel rules according to me, took up space differently than I and looked at me as if I were the alien. I wondered about the people as they disembarked the plane. If I knew the stories of my fellow travelers, I bet I would be fascinated, amused, heartbroken, delighted and in love.

When the plane emptied, the flight attendant came by, checked my passport and slapped a sticker on me indicating I was “checked baggage” because I opted to stay on the plane and write instead of wander the Hong Kong airport at 5 o’clock Sunday morning. I chose to be amused rather than disgusted.

As I prepare to deliver a keynote to the Asia-Pacific Coaching Conference on the Mysteries of Interconnection, I will hold this energy. I honor our cultural differences, but I am more in awe of our human similarities. I think we first need to connect before we focus on how we differ.

And if you catch yourself feeling disgusted by someone, can you step back and think about what stories the person might share? What fears, dreams, hopes, and disappointments might they be experiencing? Or better yet, can you ask them?

How will you use this perspective today?

I was recently asked by a reporter, “Why do women sabotage each other?” I have experienced some women who betrayed my trust. I have experienced many more women, including strangers, who were willing to help the moment I asked them. Many even helped when I didn’t ask.

Two strange women approached me in the train station in Milan, Italy. I had taken a train from the mountains in Switzerland hoping to get to Florence. The route had me changing trains four times where I had to climb up and down stairs hauling two huge pieces of luggage while trying to decipher signs in a language I could not read. I missed one connection, got thrown off of first-class on another (I had no idea which car to board) and ended up in Milan feeling lost and alone.

As I stood on the platform trying to figure out what train to take through the tears welling in my eyes, two women sandwiched me and forced me to walk to a food kiosk. Before I could scream, one said, “Don’t be such an easy target.”

The other asked me where I was going. When I told her, she located the train I was supposed to take and explained what I needed to do to exchange my ticket for a new one.

When I finally caught my breath, they told me that any woman traveling alone carrying huge suitcases, a big purse and a look of confusion would quickly lose something important to them. I should be more careful with my belongings and stand more confidently when I stopped to regroup.

Who says women don’t help each other? Let’s tell more stories about how we do support each other so people will stop saying we don’t.

I liked the movie. I felt the lead character represented the most common reason I found in my research why women wander: they don’t know who they are and what they want.

The problem is that they spend many years leaving what they don’t want anymore (physically or mentally) without having a clear picture of what they do want.

Even if they had a clear idea of what they wanted for their lives, at some point, they forget. Here’s a story of a woman I coached who felt overwhelmed at work. What we discovered was that she didn’t have a problem prioritizing; she had a problem feeling inspired by her work because she didn’t know why she was there.

As in the case with my client, sometimes reviving an old dream can give you back your North Star .

Sometimes you have to crystallize the picture of your new dream—what would a perfect day at work or in your relationship look like?

Sometimes the picture isn’t ready to come forth, but you can discover what gives you a sense of purpose in your life and do what it takes to have this experience more often. Look at your day and determine what you are doing only because you should. Then look at what you are doing because you want to do it.

Once you begin to understand what you want to create for yourself, ask yourself:

1. What can I start doing today to ease my transition?
2. What about my new life can I begin to integrate into my current work and life?
3. Who can I ask to support me in making my transition?
4. What do I need to do to stay committed to my choices?

Although the notion of taking a year off and living in Italy, India and Bali to discover myself sounds delightful, I learned what I’m sharing with you sitting at my desk and sometimes wandering into the mountains at the end of my road. I hope this helps you figure out the road you want to be on before you take too many unfulfilling detours.

A colleague of mine had an opportunity to coach a famous couple. We talked about possible issues and approaches that would be significant for them. I felt we covered the bases.

Then I had a dream that night where I was coaching a couple. The conversation turned to balance. I woke clearly remembering what I shared with them. I’m not sure if I pulled this out of the recesses of my brain or if these thoughts are divinely inspired, but here is what I watched myself saying (with details added to make sense of dream talk)….

Every relationship starts out with a particular balance. This doesn’t mean equality. The balance is the agreement made between two people (often unspoken). It’s the psychological contract that builds trust.

The elements of the balance include the obvious things such as finances, household chores, child rearing, vacation time and time spent with the in-laws. The less obvious agreements include amount and substance of communication, shows of affection, support for personal problems, contribution to joint problems, honoring personal time and space, and involvement in business decisions.

This balance sets up the expectations in the relationship. Everything is fine while the balance is maintained.

If one person in the relationship changes the balance, or one person accepted a balance they didn’t like, there will be problems. Surrender turns into resentment over time.

Even if the elements of the relationship shift, the balance must be maintained, as if you are on a see-saw. I recently had a female client who was the breadwinner of the house lose her job. Her husband asked if he could spend time building his business before she took another position. This meant a shift in everything in their relationship, from household chores to personal time to involvement in business decisions. They needed to work out all the elements in the changing nature of their relationship.

The shift in the balance could be as big as a job change or as small as a change in your exercise schedule. The balance is disrupted every time you face a personal issue that you are struggling to resolve or a hidden desire that starts coming to the surface.

The only way to maintain this balance is through communication. We have expectations and desires anyway so you might as well put them out on the table and see if the balance can be made.

End of dream. How about that for insight! So the question remains, how do you create this balance?

In my first book, Capture the Rapture: How to Step Out of Your Head and Leap into Life, I outlined a method to “covision a relationship.” Whether you are working out the balance in your personal relationship or your work team, the process applies. Here are the steps in a nutshell:

Step 1.  Clarify Assumptions. Each person privately writes down what they expect to occur. The more details, the better. What is the picture of a week in your life together?

Step 2. Determine Your Measures of Success. Write the top three things you feel would be terrible to happen. Examples include, “problems get huge before they’re discussed,” and “money is spent without approval.” Under the second column, write the top three things you feel you must have to make the partnership work for you. An example might be, “we have a deep conversation at least twice a week.”

Step 3. Take turns reading your visions and lists aloud. Don’t argue points. Listen with respect.

Step 4. Construct a Covision. If there’s no disagreement, you’re home free. If you collide on an issue, take the time to work out your differences. If possible, go for a win-win approach, a solution that meets everyone’s needs.

Step 5. Make it Happen. Agree to actions to make your picture a reality.

Step 6. Toast the masterpiece you composed together.

Step 7.  Agree this balance will change over time.

Successful relationships depend not only on a balance, but communicating through shifts in the balance. Make it a habit to discuss and negotiate changing expectations regularly with everyone in your life to maintain a foundation of agreement and respect.

Perfectionists aren’t just people preoccupied with details, order and efficiency. If you feel a job must be done your way—the right way—then you are a performance perfectionist.

Besides causing you an enormous amount of stress, your perfectionist frame makes you an annoying colleague and partner. People find it hard working and playing with someone who always knows what’s best. You don’t mean harm, but you appear insensitive.

Your paradigm of perfection is held together by three assumptions which you need to acknowledge and change. This may be difficult because these assumptions have helped you to be amazing. Your greatest strengths overshadow your life’s weaknesses.

Assumption #1: There is a right answer and it is mine

If you are the best and the one who knows, then you have an answer for every question about things that are important to you. No one dares to disagree. Always being right not only hurts your relationships, it is a heavy responsibility to bear.

Assumption #2: Everything is up to me

This assumption implies that things will spin out of control or fail if they aren’t done by you. As a result, you will overwork, take on too many projects, and resist sharing your work with anyone else.

Assumption #3: I will always be disappointed

I hired a coach to help me figure out why I was having trouble maintaining long-term romantic relationships. She asked me, “When will you give up your attachment to being disappointed by your relationships?” Her question took my breath away.

Not long after I started a relationship, I began finding fault with my partner. The truth is—I expected to be disappointed before I ever gave the guy a chance.

Being chronically disappointed with work is the same story. When you are attached to being disappointed with your job or your boss, you don’t ever have to make a commitment to staying. You will give everything you have to your job up front, demonstrating that you should be treasured. Then you will feel let down the moment you aren’t recognized for your work or you aren’t given the best assignment. No matter how excited you were when you took the job, it’s always a matter of time before you have to move on.

To justify your behavior, you create standards that are difficult for anyone to meet. Things and people rarely measure up.

If you don’t release your attachment to disappointment, you will always focus on what is going wrong instead of what is good about anything you do.

The Shift: There is more than one right answer

The key to shifting out of always being right is to consciously choose to learn when you think you already know the answer. You have to deliberately commit to accepting that there is more than one right way to achieve a goal and there is more than one right answer to a question. “There is more than one” must become your mantra.

When your critical mind jumps in, release your breath before opening your mouth. This pausing technique gives you a moment to better assess the situation.

Maybe the person you disagree with is right from their perspective, which differs from yours. Maybe they have a solution that will work as well as yours or better if you can admit it. Maybe your relationship is more important than the perfect result, so the true solution is to 1) see if you can use their ideas or 2) keep your mouth shut.

When you release the tension in your body before you speak, you free your mind to see there is more than one way you can respond.

You can’t get an A in personal growth

Committing to growth is itself a lesson in humility, patience and imperfection. Changing your assumptions takes more time than you want to give. The good news is that the quicker you admit to your assumptions and quiet your critical mind, the quicker the new you will emerge.

You’ll find more detailed explanation and tips for growth in the book, Wander Woman: How High Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. Launch date is June 15th!

1. We are intelligent beings astute at creating excuses for not remembering what we know.
2. Every human is an artist. We create our lives every day. We are angry, depressed and frustrated when we think we can’t create. Instead of striving to end your suffering, what will shift you into feeling creative?
3. Truth exists with or without us. We don’t create it; we see it when we choose to clear away the fog of fear and the superstitions someone told us to believe. Then open your heart with love before you ask the question, “What do I know to be true, really?”
4. Change who you believe you are and your world and the story you tell about it changes.
5. We should not tell other people what their story should be. Instead, inspire them to be their own beautiful story.
6. Your physical body is a biological machine. It gets sick, it breaks down, it is attacked by viruses and bacteria and it eventually dies. The only thing you are responsible for is to stay as healthy as you can. You did not attract and are not responsible for everything else that happens by nature. But remember… What happens in your body is truth. How you deal with it—what happens in your mind—is choice.
7. The best you can do in relationships is to respect others and do not tell lies. This goes for how parents should relate to their children as well.
8. Celebrate life. Your heart is drumming in this celebration. Let your mind sing in harmony to the beat.
9. Do not mourn death. If you are around someone dying, they will most likely ask you to stay happy and appreciate the life you have. Honor their request.

And my favorite insight from the day…

10. As a coach and teacher, I am responsible for what I tell you. I am not responsible for what you understand.

You may have heard most of these pearls from someone along the way. Yet, as don Miguel said, we brilliantly forget what we know. So when your intelligent brain works against you, what will you do to remember?

Please post here the bits of wisdom you have heard or read that you love and what you do to remember to live by them.

Iams, the pet food company, found that 91 percent of customers answering a survey admitted whispering those three little words to their furry friends.

When going through difficult times in my last relationship, I remember talking to my partner through the cat. I would say thing like, “Mr. Peeper says we never eat together anymore.” He would reply, “Tell Mr. Peeper that you are never home to eat with him.”

I am a woman with three advanced degrees in communications and psychology, yet I still struggle at times using direct communications with those I most love. Fortunately, I am not speaking through my cat in my current relationship, so I am improving. Yet I probably do tell Mooch I love him more often than I tell my partner even though I am very affectionate.

Pets can help fill in the companionship that might be missing in our lives. Yet if we have a chance to strengthen our human relationships with deep conversations and frequent shows of affection, shouldn’t we commit more of our time to this?

Don’t get so busy or let conflicts in your relationships fester to the point that you aren’t connecting on a regular basis.

After reading the Iams survey results, I am committing to look my partner in the eyes and tell him I love him more often. How about you?

What’s the point? We sometimes hide things from those we love because we are afraid they won’t love us if they find out, or worse, they will laugh at us which could crush our vulnerable dreams.

Yet each secret we conceal chips away at the veracity of our relationships, and could eventually damage the trust that is the glue of our connection. Glenn Whipp, reviewer for the Los Angeles Times, said the movie “…does contain a fundamental understanding of the rot that sets in when people hide their true selves from the ones they love.”

Fortunately, the rot in the relationships was fodder for a very funny script and great character acting, especially by the lead character, Vince Rizzo, played by Andy Garcia.

City Island Wisdom:

• The only way to grow and truly understand love and intimacy is to face the lies you’ve told about your past so you can totally be yourself in the present. If you withhold secrets from your family and friends, you take a piece of yourself out of the relationship. This includes the difficult messages we sometimes have to give. The truth may hurt, but guilt is more damaging in the long-run.

• The truth is easier to live with than keeping track of the white lies we tell. Yes, sometimes we tell meaningless white lies to preserve someone’s ego. Clearly state the justification for your white lie, and then ask yourself if this is a rationalization to cover your fear of telling the truth.

• God busts us, and then gives us another chance. This line came in at the end of the movie when all lies, and truths, were revealed. No matter what we do with good intention, our lies, misdeeds, cover-ups, lazy or spineless choices have a way of bubbling up to the surface and giving us a chance to make amends. Some call this Karma. Others call it “make your bed, now sleep in it.” Yet life does serve up second, third and more chances to do the right thing. If you learned all the lessons you could, would you still be here?

• Forgiveness leads to a quick, happy ending. Yes, the movie ended with a group hug. But it was charming nonetheless. Grudges serve no one. Compassion and love deserve applause.

Go see the movie. Then share your City Island wisdom here.

Over the holidays, I found the time to be with some friends I had not seen for months. We always end our time together with the promise to meet more often. Then each year, we share excuses explaining why that promise was broken.

Putting friendships on the back burner when we get overly busy with work is one of our greatest mistakes. According to Malcolm Gladwell in his book Outliers: The Story of Success (watch the short videos on the page), successful people do not make it on their own. Gladwell states, “…no one—not rock stars, not professional athletes, not software billionaires, and not even geniuses—ever makes it alone.”

Not only can our friends open doors and connect us with other people, we need friends to dialogue with and sometimes to just be silent with as we come to understand how our lives are changing. Also, we need trusted sounding boards and feedback from people we love to help us stay on track.

The time you spend with friends is as important as the time you spend on work. There is no need to “tough it out on your own.” Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you are truly committed to creating amazing results that impact your workplace and beyond, then you need to access the wisdom and support of others.

Gathering a community of support is not a luxury you can put off until you have time someday. Establishing and maintaining your network is a critical step in your growth process. Besides, it makes for a more enjoyable dinner when you can laugh until you cry with dear friends.