This made total sense to me. The more you feel disgust, the more close-minded you are.

The beauty of the article was in the follow-on study where they paired the “disgusted people” with objects of their disgust. They objects of disgust were instructed to share stories about their families, their upbringing, their struggles and their joys.

The ending is totally predictable. When we listen to people’s stories, we realize how similar we all are. Disgust melts into empathy. Intolerance decreases.

So how can we use this information at home, in the workplace, in our neighborhoods and in creating a larger global community?

I am writing this post while sitting on an Asian airplane in Hong Kong, laying over until we take off for Singapore. On the way to China, the airplane was full of people different from me. They ate differently, disobeyed travel rules according to me, took up space differently than I and looked at me as if I were the alien. I wondered about the people as they disembarked the plane. If I knew the stories of my fellow travelers, I bet I would be fascinated, amused, heartbroken, delighted and in love.

When the plane emptied, the flight attendant came by, checked my passport and slapped a sticker on me indicating I was “checked baggage” because I opted to stay on the plane and write instead of wander the Hong Kong airport at 5 o’clock Sunday morning. I chose to be amused rather than disgusted.

As I prepare to deliver a keynote to the Asia-Pacific Coaching Conference on the Mysteries of Interconnection, I will hold this energy. I honor our cultural differences, but I am more in awe of our human similarities. I think we first need to connect before we focus on how we differ.

And if you catch yourself feeling disgusted by someone, can you step back and think about what stories the person might share? What fears, dreams, hopes, and disappointments might they be experiencing? Or better yet, can you ask them?

How will you use this perspective today?

I liked the movie. I felt the lead character represented the most common reason I found in my research why women wander: they don’t know who they are and what they want.

The problem is that they spend many years leaving what they don’t want anymore (physically or mentally) without having a clear picture of what they do want.

Even if they had a clear idea of what they wanted for their lives, at some point, they forget. Here’s a story of a woman I coached who felt overwhelmed at work. What we discovered was that she didn’t have a problem prioritizing; she had a problem feeling inspired by her work because she didn’t know why she was there.

As in the case with my client, sometimes reviving an old dream can give you back your North Star .

Sometimes you have to crystallize the picture of your new dream—what would a perfect day at work or in your relationship look like?

Sometimes the picture isn’t ready to come forth, but you can discover what gives you a sense of purpose in your life and do what it takes to have this experience more often. Look at your day and determine what you are doing only because you should. Then look at what you are doing because you want to do it.

Once you begin to understand what you want to create for yourself, ask yourself:

1. What can I start doing today to ease my transition?
2. What about my new life can I begin to integrate into my current work and life?
3. Who can I ask to support me in making my transition?
4. What do I need to do to stay committed to my choices?

Although the notion of taking a year off and living in Italy, India and Bali to discover myself sounds delightful, I learned what I’m sharing with you sitting at my desk and sometimes wandering into the mountains at the end of my road. I hope this helps you figure out the road you want to be on before you take too many unfulfilling detours.

In my resistance to be the person everyone expected me to be, I ran down a dark path of drug abuse that landed me in jail. I could have fallen deeper, feeling I had failed those who loved me and ruined my chances at a successful life. One of my cellmates turned me back in the right direction.

She did this by helping me see who I am separate from what I do.

This may seem like a clear distinction but when I ask those who attend my programs to make their own lists describing who they are, they act confused. I often get responses like, “I’m a good parent.” Or, “People like to work with me.” I then I have to coach the person to tell me what makes them a good parent or what attracts people to them.

I ask if they are patient, caring, smart, funny, inclusive, inspiring, reliable, generous, courageous, compassionate, passionate, or kind? They struggle with finding the answer, and then most are embarrassed to speak the words aloud.

Who are you seems to be a difficult question to answer.

Yet knowing who you are at your best is important to calling up these aspects when you are faced with difficult situations.

* When I remind myself of who I am, I have the strength to face my fears and worries.
* When I show up as the best of who I am, people are more drawn to me.
* When I acknowledge myself at the end of the day for who I was as well as what I accomplished, I feel more fulfilled.

Here’s an exercise I heard from a friend at the National Speakers Association conference last week. Name two people you most admire. Write down the traits that you admire in them. List at least ten traits that define who these people are.

Now consider that the traits you most admire in others reflect what you most like about yourself. These traits make up who you are at your best.

You might feel that you want to be more of some of these traits. If so, what’s stopping you from being more ___________? What will you do to give this part of you more expression in your life?

When you claim who you are and truly show up as your best self, you will not only succeed with greater ease, you will end your day feeling more content with your life.

I encourage you to do the exercise and then list ten traits that define WHO you are at your best in a comment to this blog post. Declaring these traits in public will help you more confidently claim and live as the wonderful person you truly are.

If today were my last day on Earth and I could share 500 words of brilliance with the world, here are the important things I’d want to pass along to others…

In our Twitter-crazed, attention-deficit world, 500 words could get lost. Here’s my challenge to you–if you were given one chance to share 250 words or less with the world, what would you say? What piece of wisdom do you hold that if you shared it, it could make a difference? What have you experienced that could yield a great lesson for others?

I had lots of ideas. This is what I came up with today:

I don’t know who first said these words, but the advice is, “Take your work seriously but take yourself lightly.” As an achievement-driven woman, I have often lost my sense of self to my work. My identity then gets wrapped up in the applause I’m hoping to get for the brilliant work I put out. This leaves me vulnerable to judgment; I rely on others to tell me that I’m important. I am only happy when I feel seen.

Although we humans like to feel seen, heard and recognized, this is a never-ending exhausting pursuit. You can’t see what makes you feel incredible in the present. You can’t truly appreciate the fruits of your efforts regardless of what your critics say.

I want for you to take yourself lightly even as you work with passion and intensity. When you are overwhelmed with work or worried about the future, can you stop and be gentle with yourself? Can you laugh at your big fat dreams as much as you hope they will come true?

Step back and be your own guardian angel. What would she want you to feel right now? Learn how to hear this lighter voice, the one that is often overshadowed by the voices that push you to do more.

You can do more. And you can enjoy the journey in the process. When you balance your passion with a “lightness of being” you can remember what is most important to you no matter what people say.

What about you? What words would you like to leave behind if you were to leave the planet today? Share them here. And share what doors this exercise opened for you.

Last week, hidden in the middle of the links to my blog, to Huffington post feeds, and some Twitter comments was the link to the guest-book honoring the death of Marcia Reynolds.

My body froze, eyes stuck to the page. How weird is that? I clicked on the link, both curious to find out who she was and to make sure it wasn’t me they were eulogizing.

This Marcia Reynolds was 84 when she passed. I let out a breath, probably the first in since I read my name.

Someone wrote, “Marcia was the most beautiful woman and soul I have ever known. I will miss her the rest of my life.”

I clicked through my mental Rolodex to see if there is anyone who would write this about me other than the man I live with. I know people will acknowledge my passion, the effect of my work on others, my commitment to my purpose, and so on. Do people see me beyond my work?

Or a better question is, “Do I allow people to see me beyond my work? Do I take the time to sit with the people who I think are beautiful souls for no other reason than to linger in the luscious moment of connection?”

I wrote myself a note to think about this when I had time.

Two days later, another Marcia Reynolds died. Is this a slap on the side of the head or what? I know the universe doesn’t revolve around me, but I am going to take this as a sign anyway.

I am going to hike with a girlfriend tomorrow morning and hang out in a cabana by a resort pool with another friend in the afternoon. I have deadlines. So what. I am a high-achiever. They will get done. But it has been a while since I looked deeply into the eyes of my beautiful friends.

Maybe next on the list will be to give myself time to know myself better away from my work as well.

How will you live up to what you want people to say about you when you die?

I did the best I could with the skills, knowledge, and available time I had to accomplish my goal—be an Amazon bestselling author on June 15^th, the day I launched Wander Woman.

As the day approached, I vacillated between excitement, trepidation, and pain; my back was killing me as I sat for hours at the computer blogging, tweeting, requesting, begging, and thanking.

On the day of the launch, I woke up to find my book was #95 in Personal Transformation books. This is a tough category to master with the likes of The Secret, The 4-Hour Workweek and The Last Lecture. I would love to stand with these books, but making it to number one seemed impossible.

I watched the computer as if it were the weather channel following a hurricane. Every hour, my ranking climbed. With every climb, my heart leaped, for a moment. Then I was quickly comparing my book to the one ahead of me, determining what it would take to jump ahead.

By 2:00, I hit #12. At 3:00 it was still #12. At 4:00, nothing changed. In fact, my overall ranking was starting to decrease. I figured the game was over. It was a respectable result. My cheerleaders applauded. But true to form as a high-achiever, I was disappointed.

Then at 9:00 I checked before I went to bed (I was exhausted!). Wander Woman hit #9 and #1 in hot new releases in Personal Transformation. Again, my heart leaped! I made the top ten!

By morning, a friend emailed me and asked, “Are you happy?” I didn’t want to lie, so I put the email aside. I had dropped to #10. The climb was fun, but it didn’t meet my high standards and expectations.

Then I read this email from a woman I had never met before:

I have searched high and low for a book that would help me sort out my situation….the constant need to be challenged, the burning urge to feel fully utilized on the job, the inevitable fleeing when the job ultimately disappoints. I’ve dragged my family all over the world, I’ve gotten high level degrees to ensure I could find my dream job, and yet that nagging feeling of boredom and disappointment perseveres! I’ve read all the Deepak Chopra and branding books I can stomach. I’ve memorized the secrets of highly successful people, I still don’t know what color my parachute is, and I would say someone really has moved my cheese!

This is the first book that speaks directly to me. It’s about understanding who I am, why I act the way I do, and using that knowledge to shape my future. Instead of trying to mold me into a corporate automaton, you helped me see my pitfalls and adapt to the rest of the world. Finally there is hope for me!

You have no idea how much this book means to me. How you could understand my struggle so well is absolutely beyond me, but I am so grateful that you do.

I remembered why I wrote the book. I can get brief emotional satisfaction from a good accomplishment (and maybe not even that if I don’t make #1), but when I remember how I’m touching people’s lives, the feelings are deeper and lasting.

Of course, true again to my high-achieving ways, I found a place on Amazon where I could request that I be ranked in a second category. I chose Women and Business–Management and Leadership books. Not only is it a more relevant category for Wander Woman, my ranking on Thursday would have been #1.

Amazon gave it to me but said it would take up to three days to post.

On Friday after watching my ranking slip in Personal Transformation, I turned off the computer and went for a massage. Saturday I realized my disappointment had turned into a mild depression. I let myself cry until I felt better. Then I mindlessly caught up on work until it was time to go to dinner.

We stopped at the Borders near the restaurant. They had four copies of Wander Woman on the shelf! I signed them and beamed through dinner.

But the goal is not the number. It is the impact, right? I kept reading the email from my new fan to remind myself.

By chance I checked the Amazon page on Sunday. There it was. Wander Women hit #1 in Management and Leadership books for women in business! I can now call myself a bestselling author.

In truth, the goal for me is the impact—that I will touch women in many powerful ways—and it is the number. I like being number one. And being a bestselling author is a dream I have held since I was a little girl.

I am working on focusing on the impact, but I’m not sure I will rewire my brain in this lifetime.

Thank you to everyone who bought the book, cheered me on and held my hand. What a wild ride.

Do you have a similar story of accomplishment to share?

Second, I’m holding a contest. Here’s the background information. Scroll down if you’re impatient!

I was describing what I view as the emerging identity of strong, smart high-achieving women when a woman said, “It sounds like you advocate that women should be more like men. I would rather see men honor feminine power.”

I explained to her that I don’t think these women have lost their femininity. As women gain more freedom, education and economic power, they are becoming more confident and assertive. Being self-assured and outspoken does not mean a woman is not feminine. She is just a stronger woman.

Girls now are being brought up to be compassionate and assertive, sociable and analytical, collaborative and self-reliant, and empathetic and directive. Unfortunately, some people see powerful women as acting more like men. This is a short-sighted, unfair and damaging assessment.

That being said, I think the model of leadership for women needs to be redefined. The model must also allow women to be human, to be both aggressive in their pursuit of goals and to show vulnerability when they feel fear or disappointment, like any human would do.

Whether or not all people will accept these women as leaders, if we align around what we believe to be a feminine model of leadership, we can make an impact in the world. When all strong, smart women make their voices heard, we can tip the scales of power forever.

How then will we define our model of female leadership?

I am drawn to women who demonstrate strength and grace instead of trying to bully their way to the top by ridiculing others. Although the “pit bull” approach may get you noticed and you may be able to right some wrongs, “women of strength and grace” accomplish their goals differently. Showing confidence doesn’t have to include displaying your muscle.

Women of strength and grace admit when they are wrong, can change their mind as they learn and share a vision of the future that is so clear and inviting that others are eager to follow. This is a part of the model I’m building. What would you add or change?

Who are your role models of strength and grace? What woman do you know alive today who demonstrates intelligence, courage, compassion, decisiveness, assertiveness and passion? It could be your grandmother, Sandra Bullock, your former boss or even your daughter.

Share your model of strength and grace as a comment on this post. Include the person, if she exists, as well as the qualities.

I will work with a team of colleagues to pick the top three submissions from this blog, from the WanderWomanBook.com blog, from Huffington Post and from Facebook to win a copy of Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. I will then feature the winning submissions in an upcoming Huffington Post Blog. So even if you have bought the book, I’ll give you the gift of visibility.

If we can get clear on what we call a model of female leadership, we can begin to allow for, even honor, this behavior at work. We can quit defining women as too strong or too weak and never let them be who they are as the strong, smart, and wonderfully imperfect humans that know how to help their children, their companies or their countries succeed.

Contest ends midnight June 18th, pacific daylight time.

Perfectionists aren’t just people preoccupied with details, order and efficiency. If you feel a job must be done your way—the right way—then you are a performance perfectionist.

Besides causing you an enormous amount of stress, your perfectionist frame makes you an annoying colleague and partner. People find it hard working and playing with someone who always knows what’s best. You don’t mean harm, but you appear insensitive.

Your paradigm of perfection is held together by three assumptions which you need to acknowledge and change. This may be difficult because these assumptions have helped you to be amazing. Your greatest strengths overshadow your life’s weaknesses.

Assumption #1: There is a right answer and it is mine

If you are the best and the one who knows, then you have an answer for every question about things that are important to you. No one dares to disagree. Always being right not only hurts your relationships, it is a heavy responsibility to bear.

Assumption #2: Everything is up to me

This assumption implies that things will spin out of control or fail if they aren’t done by you. As a result, you will overwork, take on too many projects, and resist sharing your work with anyone else.

Assumption #3: I will always be disappointed

I hired a coach to help me figure out why I was having trouble maintaining long-term romantic relationships. She asked me, “When will you give up your attachment to being disappointed by your relationships?” Her question took my breath away.

Not long after I started a relationship, I began finding fault with my partner. The truth is—I expected to be disappointed before I ever gave the guy a chance.

Being chronically disappointed with work is the same story. When you are attached to being disappointed with your job or your boss, you don’t ever have to make a commitment to staying. You will give everything you have to your job up front, demonstrating that you should be treasured. Then you will feel let down the moment you aren’t recognized for your work or you aren’t given the best assignment. No matter how excited you were when you took the job, it’s always a matter of time before you have to move on.

To justify your behavior, you create standards that are difficult for anyone to meet. Things and people rarely measure up.

If you don’t release your attachment to disappointment, you will always focus on what is going wrong instead of what is good about anything you do.

The Shift: There is more than one right answer

The key to shifting out of always being right is to consciously choose to learn when you think you already know the answer. You have to deliberately commit to accepting that there is more than one right way to achieve a goal and there is more than one right answer to a question. “There is more than one” must become your mantra.

When your critical mind jumps in, release your breath before opening your mouth. This pausing technique gives you a moment to better assess the situation.

Maybe the person you disagree with is right from their perspective, which differs from yours. Maybe they have a solution that will work as well as yours or better if you can admit it. Maybe your relationship is more important than the perfect result, so the true solution is to 1) see if you can use their ideas or 2) keep your mouth shut.

When you release the tension in your body before you speak, you free your mind to see there is more than one way you can respond.

You can’t get an A in personal growth

Committing to growth is itself a lesson in humility, patience and imperfection. Changing your assumptions takes more time than you want to give. The good news is that the quicker you admit to your assumptions and quiet your critical mind, the quicker the new you will emerge.

You’ll find more detailed explanation and tips for growth in the book, Wander Woman: How High Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. Launch date is June 15th!

Have you ever considered that you might lose more time rushing to be punctual than if you took your eyes off the clock for a few moments?

I always felt that being punctual meant I was efficient and respectful of the people who otherwise would have wait for me. Not that I am always on time—but I feel guilty and forced to find some lame excuse if I let myself be late.

After teaching for a week in Madrid, I have another idea.

In some Latin American countries, the participants of my classes felt that being 10 to 20 minutes late was acceptable because that is what they always did. I had to accept this practice, but I still don’t like it.

However in Madrid, most of the participants seemed to have an internal clock that had them casually arrive within the first few minutes of the start time. They weren’t really late. Nor were they early.

I noticed the same behavior and feeling when we met for dinner or at the end of the week as people were leaving for the airport. There never seemed to be in a rush. No one kept their eyes on the clock. When it was time to go, it was time to go.

Even when the class went a little late in the evening because lunch lasted two hours instead of one (which made me crazy), no one complained, pushed or even seemed to notice. The focus was on what was important in the moment. We would do what we had to do in a suitable time frame.

Yet I couldn’t articulate this sense until the last day. I was having coffee with one of the participants before it was time to leave. I kept looking at the clock to make sure I wouldn’t be late for my cab. Finally she said, “Why do you worry so much about time? You will be there when the taxi comes. All will be well.”

I am not sure I can shift to trusting my internal clock as well as she does, but this made me aware of how much time I waste worrying about being on time. Her words also made me see that I was missing the chance to focus on the glorious moment enjoying a coffee in Madrid with a wise woman I may never see again.

What about you? Do you always feel in a rush? What would happen, really, if you slowed down and took life a little easier knowing you would be on time for what is important anyway?

I now know that time management is more about how I feel about time than how I prioritize my tasks.

Please share your ideas on dealing with a sense of time here so we can all figure out the best ways to find more time to live.

1. We are intelligent beings astute at creating excuses for not remembering what we know.
2. Every human is an artist. We create our lives every day. We are angry, depressed and frustrated when we think we can’t create. Instead of striving to end your suffering, what will shift you into feeling creative?
3. Truth exists with or without us. We don’t create it; we see it when we choose to clear away the fog of fear and the superstitions someone told us to believe. Then open your heart with love before you ask the question, “What do I know to be true, really?”
4. Change who you believe you are and your world and the story you tell about it changes.
5. We should not tell other people what their story should be. Instead, inspire them to be their own beautiful story.
6. Your physical body is a biological machine. It gets sick, it breaks down, it is attacked by viruses and bacteria and it eventually dies. The only thing you are responsible for is to stay as healthy as you can. You did not attract and are not responsible for everything else that happens by nature. But remember… What happens in your body is truth. How you deal with it—what happens in your mind—is choice.
7. The best you can do in relationships is to respect others and do not tell lies. This goes for how parents should relate to their children as well.
8. Celebrate life. Your heart is drumming in this celebration. Let your mind sing in harmony to the beat.
9. Do not mourn death. If you are around someone dying, they will most likely ask you to stay happy and appreciate the life you have. Honor their request.

And my favorite insight from the day…

10. As a coach and teacher, I am responsible for what I tell you. I am not responsible for what you understand.

You may have heard most of these pearls from someone along the way. Yet, as don Miguel said, we brilliantly forget what we know. So when your intelligent brain works against you, what will you do to remember?

Please post here the bits of wisdom you have heard or read that you love and what you do to remember to live by them.