I am a person who thinks I control my time and I have to manage it well. It is times like this I realize that controlling time is an illusion.

I only have control of what I do with time, right?

I am in Copenhagen. My functional notion of time is based on the US, where time doesn’t change until next week. Europe switched over last night while I slept.

The person who lost out because of this change was my partner, Karl, who waited in Arizona as a slept another hour in Denmark before I was up for our morning/night check in Skype call. Sorry Karl.

I benefited because even though I set the alarm for the amount of sleep time I believe my body needs–and I have this notion I won’t sleep any longer–my digital clock made the change and my biological clock happily overrode my brain. I easily slept for another hour.

In fact, after I finally got up and talked to Karl, I realized I had nothing pressing to do until the afternoon. So I went back to sleep. Glorious!

Once again, I am reminded that time just is. I decide if I don’t have enough time to get everything done. I also decide to forget about time and go with what feels wonderfully right in the moment.

In the long run, the most important things always get done.

If for some reason some of my tasks don’t get done, then I need to look further as to why I am making myself do things I don’t like to do or what made me drop those things to the bottom of the to-do list. Can I plan my life to decrease what I don’t like and focus more on what brings me joy, a sense of purpose, and a feeling that time doesn’t matter?

If I am procrastinating on doing something, what is keeping me from choosing this work? Is it the nature of the work or the people I have to connect with that makes my brain flee to other, possibly time-wasting tasks?

I am making decisions all the time about time. How can I be more aware of these decisions?

Can I take some “should do” items off the list?

Do I have a vision of what I want to create for myself in 3-5 years? If so, do my tasks help me to reach this vision? If I don’t, is it time to create a vision or update an old one that doesn’t serve who I am today?

What I realized while I lie in my bed this morning: Quit trying to manage time.

The better I manage my life, making sure I am healthy, happy and feel fulfilled by my work, the less time is a problem.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Do you have time to write a comment?

I just spent two days as emcee of an amazing workshop for authors. I co-chaired the event which means I have been working on it for a year. Then I was so wrapped up in making sure the experience was perfect that I forgot I was also a participant who was there to enjoy the day.

I remember thinking this after my wedding years ago. I wanted the event to be “just right.” this focus took me away from the moment and the joy of the experience. My memories are a blur and unemotional.

When you feel responsible for an event, whether its as big as a conference or as small as a gathering of friends, do you get so wrapped up in making sure it is perfect that you forget to be present? What do you do to find moments to enjoy what is going on?

At the women’s conference in Trinidad, I kept telling the organizer, Giselle, “Breathe and soak in the moment. Your work is already done.” She thanked me for the reminder.

So why didn’t I heed my own advice? After my event this past week, I loved that so many people told me what a wonderful time they had. I wish I could have felt the depth of that experience with them instead of standing on the side the entire time. I’m sure the little details would have worked themselves out regardless of my constant scrutiny.

Taking my own medicine, I should have practiced my famous “Outsmart Your Brain” formula:

1. Relax (you have to breathe and release the tension in your body if you want to release your mind)

2. Detach (let go of being the one who has to make everything “just right”)

3. Center (focus on your point of strength just below your navel)

4. Focus (choose the emotion you want to feel and let it flow through your body)

When I practice this formula and choose joy, gratitude or happiness to flow into my bones, I can’t help but be present to what is wonderful in the moment.

I hope you enjoy your day!

She started by saying, “People think my life is together so I should be able to help them get their life together.” She didn’t disclaim the idea. Instead, she launched into her sense of where women stand in the world today.

“We, as women, are living in a most interesting time in history. We are the subjects of a social experiment. Suddenly we have choices, self-sufficiency, freedom…we don’t have thousands of years of role models, or even 50 years.”

She reminded us that our lives used to resemble each other’s whereas now our lives are very different from our sisters and old friends. We struggle with making decisions and then live with worry or regret over the decisions we made.

It is no wonder many of us are neurotic and keep seeking to find the one person who can tell us how to put our lives together and feel happy ever after.

She shared stories of how this ambiguity shows up in all of our lives no matter what choices we make.

Then she described what her day looks like. She starts with an hour of meditation, then an hour of yoga,and then a wonderful breakfast before sitting down to write. Or maybe she sees friends before summoning her muse.

Then she said, “Do you believe this is true? It’s not. I get up every day and do my best, just like you.” She said she often falls short of what she had hoped to accomplish and the days go too fast for her to keep up.

She ended by telling us to “Let go of the knife you are holding at your throat, the knife of shame, blame, fear and remorse.”

There was a long, deathly silence, a clear acknowledgment of how solid her words had hit home with the more than a thousand women in the room.

“Be kind to yourself,” she implored, “especially now. You must give yourself unconditional self-friendship.”

She said a few more things about putting the knife of judgment away and then ended her speech. The room burst with applause. They didn’t mind that she shared nothing new and no secret formula of success.

She shared her humanity. She shared how much she cares about what women are doing to themselves. And she shared a simple, profound truth that we need to hear over and over again.

I have even more admiration for Elizabeth Gilbert, as a speaker and a wise woman (and of course, as an author). I will do my best to put the knife away today. What about you?

I am a verbal processor. I tend to lay out the foundation for my thoughts before I announce my conclusion. I don’t ramble as much as I used to, but I want you to know what led to my perspective so we both understand what I’m talking about.

This isn’t working so well anymore, especially in my writing. I might be able to engage you face-to-face with my delivery. On paper, I lose you way too quickly. It’s time I lay out my point up front, clearly and concisely.

I witnessed this last week when Huffington posted my article on whether or not women are retreating in life. My title was Women Who Don’t Give Up. Before posting the article, the Huffington editors changed the title to Yoga and Homemaking: The New Future of Women?

I didn’t think the title was as misleading as it turned out to be. My entire premise was to say that although women might like yoga and homemaking, most were not retreating to these as a way of life. After linking to an article that inferred they were, I went on to talk about the women I know who are embracing their grand adventure of life wholeheartedly.

If you look at the comments, you’ll see most of them think I was putting down yoga and homemaking.

So whose fault is it that they missed the point?

There is not much I can do about the shrinking attention span. Concentration drifts after a paragraph or two. Then if readers stay with the article, most shift to reading just the first line of each paragraph to get to the end. Nicholas Carr said, “Once I was a scuba diver in the sea of words. Now I zip along the surface like a guy on a Jet Ski.”

Right or wrong, this is the truth. I’m guilty of skimming and “power browsing” myself. I haven’t read an entire book for a year.

So I have made a promise to myself, and you, to get to the point sooner and leave the foundation, and the entertainment, for later just in case you want to take a break to go deeper in thought with me.

Then if we get the glorious moment to meet live like I had the opportunity to do this week with two women I met through social media, we can ramble to our hearts content.

If you stayed with me to the end of this post, I would love to hear your point of view on this phenomenon.

During the celebration dinner, they shared stories about how crazy it is to work in their countries with the corruption, fraud, changing rules, uncertainty and even violence. One participant couldn’t go directly home to Guinea after class because of the violence over a contested election.

What was most amazing to me was how they laughed as they told their stories as if they saw it all as a game they had to figure out. They honored the ingenuity of the Nigerians and their con games, they one-upped each other when sharing silly rules and laws that hampered their work, and in quieter moments they toasted their futures.

I have spent a lot of time in the past few years complaining about my state’s politicians, the subjective fear-mongering media, and the bleak outlook of the future of the United States. On a layover on my way to Africa, I spent a block of time reading about the 2012 catastrophes that are imminent. I am as bad as Chicken Little declaring the sky is falling.

When I get lost in the anger, fear and loss, I forget about the wonderful human spirit that prevails. Yes, the people in my class could have been laughing to cover their fears and tears. I don’t think so. Their sincere good humor showed me the lightness and hope that we must have to carry on.

I may have been the teacher last week, but they taught me a lot about life. I learned:

1. When I focus on what is wrong, I miss the beauty of people and places around me no matter what is going on.
2. When I feel sorry for other people’s circumstances, I miss their great courage, wit and noble persistence.
3. When I get angry for not having things the way I would like, I miss seeing the possibilities for learning and triumphing right now.
4. When I miss what was in the past, my regret overpowers my joy.

If you are reading this post, your life is probably far more secure and abundant than what the people in my class are enduring. If we all shift our perspective together, maybe the sky will stay intact and give us a rainbow of hope to follow.

On Desperate Housewives, Bree accepted her handyman for who he was, pointing out their differences as strengths.

On Brothers & Sisters, Kitty rejected her handyman, seeing their differences as problematic. Yet as soon as he told her he used to be a successful investment banker, she accepted him.

Maybe the difference in the women’s reactions had to do with the difference in their age. Kitty is a young, single mother with a toddler. Bree is a grandmother not looking to raise any more children.

• Did these characters choose their mates based on selection criterion that reflects the needs of the majority of women?
• Do our choices change with age naturally, or do we get wiser as we better understand our needs?
• Or is the process of choosing partners largely dependent on who shows up, and then we rationalize our choices by making up the criteria on the spot?

As girls, we were fed ideas about who would be a good match for us when we grew up. This led to the lists we created, hoping to find a man who matched. Then our relationship successes and failures prompted us to edit the list, hopefully.

Yet our parents’ generation saw very few female breadwinners. They knew few financially independent women. They negatively labeled women who worked outside of the home when the men stayed in, even if those men had their own businesses.

Times have changed. Men are wary of women wanting them for their checkbook. Women are cautious of men who will thwart their independence.

Therefore, the criteria list should change. Or maybe it should be thrown out. Girls should be taught to look inside the man. Ambition is good. So is emotional support. Intelligence is good. So is the habit of listening and acknowledging your ideas. Generosity is good. So is the commitment to share household responsibilities and to cheer for your dreams and successes in the workplace.

The question remains, can you fully accept a man who is less educated and less worldly than you? Does this question have a different answer if you are looking for a man who can be the father of your children or if you are looking for a man with whom to live out the rest of your life?

It took me three decades to figure this out, to throw out the criteria my parents drilled in my head to fully see and appreciate the gifts of love, patience, loyalty, responsibility, optimism, playfulness, applause and adventure that I get from my partner. Would I have valued these gifts as much as professional success when I was in my twenties and thirties had I been taught differently? I would like to think so.

And I’d like to think that this new criteria is what we are teaching girls now along with telling them that they can be anything they want to be when they grow up.

What have you noticed about the changing nature of relationships?

I liked the movie. I felt the lead character represented the most common reason I found in my research why women wander: they don’t know who they are and what they want.

The problem is that they spend many years leaving what they don’t want anymore (physically or mentally) without having a clear picture of what they do want.

Even if they had a clear idea of what they wanted for their lives, at some point, they forget. Here’s a story of a woman I coached who felt overwhelmed at work. What we discovered was that she didn’t have a problem prioritizing; she had a problem feeling inspired by her work because she didn’t know why she was there.

As in the case with my client, sometimes reviving an old dream can give you back your North Star .

Sometimes you have to crystallize the picture of your new dream—what would a perfect day at work or in your relationship look like?

Sometimes the picture isn’t ready to come forth, but you can discover what gives you a sense of purpose in your life and do what it takes to have this experience more often. Look at your day and determine what you are doing only because you should. Then look at what you are doing because you want to do it.

Once you begin to understand what you want to create for yourself, ask yourself:

1. What can I start doing today to ease my transition?
2. What about my new life can I begin to integrate into my current work and life?
3. Who can I ask to support me in making my transition?
4. What do I need to do to stay committed to my choices?

Although the notion of taking a year off and living in Italy, India and Bali to discover myself sounds delightful, I learned what I’m sharing with you sitting at my desk and sometimes wandering into the mountains at the end of my road. I hope this helps you figure out the road you want to be on before you take too many unfulfilling detours.

Last week, hidden in the middle of the links to my blog, to Huffington post feeds, and some Twitter comments was the link to the guest-book honoring the death of Marcia Reynolds.

My body froze, eyes stuck to the page. How weird is that? I clicked on the link, both curious to find out who she was and to make sure it wasn’t me they were eulogizing.

This Marcia Reynolds was 84 when she passed. I let out a breath, probably the first in since I read my name.

Someone wrote, “Marcia was the most beautiful woman and soul I have ever known. I will miss her the rest of my life.”

I clicked through my mental Rolodex to see if there is anyone who would write this about me other than the man I live with. I know people will acknowledge my passion, the effect of my work on others, my commitment to my purpose, and so on. Do people see me beyond my work?

Or a better question is, “Do I allow people to see me beyond my work? Do I take the time to sit with the people who I think are beautiful souls for no other reason than to linger in the luscious moment of connection?”

I wrote myself a note to think about this when I had time.

Two days later, another Marcia Reynolds died. Is this a slap on the side of the head or what? I know the universe doesn’t revolve around me, but I am going to take this as a sign anyway.

I am going to hike with a girlfriend tomorrow morning and hang out in a cabana by a resort pool with another friend in the afternoon. I have deadlines. So what. I am a high-achiever. They will get done. But it has been a while since I looked deeply into the eyes of my beautiful friends.

Maybe next on the list will be to give myself time to know myself better away from my work as well.

How will you live up to what you want people to say about you when you die?

Therefore, I put a lot of thought into my Huffington posts. I immediately received a lot of traffic. I was told that for an “unknown” my numbers were respectable. Yet the comments were mixed, from people adamantly agreeing with my views to people telling me I’m out of touch and calling me the f-word: feminist.

Most of the people that sign up for my own blogs are people I know and who like me or people who have heard me speak and who like me. They tend to see the world as I do. If they don’t, they respectfully offer an alternative perspective.

Although some of my friends have followed me to Huffington, many of my readers there are strangers. Some have become my fans. Others obviously see the world differently than I do. Some of these readers don’t like me.

At first this bothered me. My emotional triggers sparked with activity. I had cool, smart things to say. They should be praising my brilliance. I found that I wanted to explain myself and use my wit to blast them into compliance.

Then my logical brain kicked in. First, I rationalized all the remarks with “all press is good press” because I’m trying to increase my visibility. Then my trailing good sense finally had its chance to say, “If you are being true to your mission and message, then bringing out the naysayers is a good thing.” Maybe I’ll convert some of them, probably not most of them. But I have to allow for the full conversation to take place. I believe that’s the point of blogging.

Most of all, I realized I need to be strong in my resolve and my self-esteem to let these comments fly by me. I have been working on not getting hooked emotionally for years when I teach leadership classes to traditional managers in hierarchical companies. Now I have another chance to stand strong with my beliefs in the face of ridicule.

To top it off, some of these comments have opened my eyes to other possibilities. This means I am strong enough to be open to new ideas as well.

Even if you have your own blog, try guest blogging for other sites. Link your blog to Facebook. Share the link to your blog with discussion groups on LinkedIn (one of my blog posts has spawned a two-week heated discussion in a Women’s Leadership LinkedIn group). Get your ideas out into the world in new ways. Then be prepared to accept the flurry of comments with strength and grace.

Please consider sharing your comments and links to your blogs here. Then let’s all comment on each others’ ideas.

I have a new blog site at www.WanderWomanBook.com. I am now posting there first. Supposedly, the posts then link to this site for you to read within 48 hours. As I learned today, this system isn’t perfect.

To remedy this, you can
1) sign up to receive my posts immediately at www.WanderWomanBook.com where I will also be sharing book chapters and news about the upcoming book. Then you can either unsubscribe here or reply to this email and I will do it for you.
2) Remain on this list and bear with me as I work out all the bugs. I will do my best to keep this clean.

Thank you for your understanding. And happy International Women’s Day!