This was the announcement I heard as I walked through the airport. About every three minutes, I heard,

“Bend Over, you have a message waiting…”

I smiled each time. Everyone around me laughed and smiled as well.

Many people remarked that “some kids were having fun.”

Yet everyone thought it was funny.

I had just left a plane where I sat next to a young German girl, about ten years old, traveling alone from Frankfurt to Charlotte. She spoke no English. Yet my smiles reassured her. And when she laughed at the cartoons and animated movies during the flight, I couldn’t help but peek at her screen to see what was so funny. I wanted to laugh too.

Laughter is multi-cultural and never gets old. All people laugh at all ages. Even my mother who had lost her ability to speak as her Alzheimer’s advanced still smiled and laughed when I took her to feed the ducks.

Faith can connect and give people hope. So does laughter. I were to put faith and laughter side by side, I would say they are equally powerful. And laughter can be more contagious than faith to those who are resistant. It’s hard not to smile when someone around you is laughing. I believe they both work miracles.

Open your heart today by finding things to laugh at and sharing what you found with others.

And the next time you see the paging phone at the airport, have the guts to pick it up and send a message to Ima Joker.

I just spent two days as emcee of an amazing workshop for authors. I co-chaired the event which means I have been working on it for a year. Then I was so wrapped up in making sure the experience was perfect that I forgot I was also a participant who was there to enjoy the day.

I remember thinking this after my wedding years ago. I wanted the event to be “just right.” this focus took me away from the moment and the joy of the experience. My memories are a blur and unemotional.

When you feel responsible for an event, whether its as big as a conference or as small as a gathering of friends, do you get so wrapped up in making sure it is perfect that you forget to be present? What do you do to find moments to enjoy what is going on?

At the women’s conference in Trinidad, I kept telling the organizer, Giselle, “Breathe and soak in the moment. Your work is already done.” She thanked me for the reminder.

So why didn’t I heed my own advice? After my event this past week, I loved that so many people told me what a wonderful time they had. I wish I could have felt the depth of that experience with them instead of standing on the side the entire time. I’m sure the little details would have worked themselves out regardless of my constant scrutiny.

Taking my own medicine, I should have practiced my famous “Outsmart Your Brain” formula:

1. Relax (you have to breathe and release the tension in your body if you want to release your mind)

2. Detach (let go of being the one who has to make everything “just right”)

3. Center (focus on your point of strength just below your navel)

4. Focus (choose the emotion you want to feel and let it flow through your body)

When I practice this formula and choose joy, gratitude or happiness to flow into my bones, I can’t help but be present to what is wonderful in the moment.

I hope you enjoy your day!

I always endeavor to do good work. Yet I don’t expect my work to be perfect. I would never call myself a perfectionist. However, I am a completionist.

I remember how hard it was to pull myself away from unfinished work to drive home from the office. Now that I work from home, I have to schedule the time to turn off the computer to enjoy my evening. Even then, I have to distract my mind fully or my unfinished work will haunt me. I have to hide my cell phone so I don’t see the flashing red light telling me there are emails waiting to be read.

I know I am a bit obsessive. I also know I’m not alone.

I have found this same pattern of behavior in many of my clients. From our discussions, it seems this pattern can start at any age. For me, I was always the first to turn in my assignments at school. I wasn’t showing off. I just wanted the tasks off my to-do list.

Some of my clients said they weren’t like this until the past decade. The more they were bombarded with email and things to do, the more they felt the need to get their lives in control. The irony of this behavior is that the more they tried to control their inboxes and lists, the less control they felt they had, leaving them feeling overwhelmed.

Even though we aren’t perfectionists, the way to manage our “completionism” is similar: let go. We have to find ways to let go of shoulds, coulds and so many “have to’s.” We need to identify when the obsession to get things done is causing stress and anxiety and choose to honor our health over our work.

The next time you keep telling yourself that it is vital you do one more thing before you can divert your eyes from your phone or computer, listen to your justification. Is it really a good reason or just an elaborate rationalization?

What is the worst that will happen if you get up now and walk away? What might you do better if you left it for tomorrow?

If you are a completionist, here is your challenge: Walk away from the computer. Hide your phone. Do something to relax our body as well as your mind. Do this at least twice a day, three times if you are brave.

You will still get enough done. You will still be accountable to others. You won’t be missing anything important.

Become the master not the victim of your lists. Then share with us what you did and what happened. All of us completionists need your inspiration!

A number of people questioned the justification for defining a female-specific model. As Mike Henry Sr. asked, “Wouldn’t any leader regardless of gender be perceived to be a good leader if they had the same qualities?” These people said the model should portray a balance, as Katie Snapp said, ” … focusing on the female traits of compassion, inspiration, empathy and collaboration combined with more-masculine traits of bottom-line thinking, focus, directness and healthy competition.”

Offering another perspective, Dr. Christine McDougall says there is something good about accepting different models of leadership for men and women. She says, “We are not the same by nature, nor should we aspire to be.” McDougall believes that if men and women can stand side-by-side as co-leaders, honoring each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities with “…no shame, blame or righteousness” we will model great leadership.

Honestly, after years of NOT wanting to be recognized for my gender while working in male-dominated corporations, I have come to appreciate my feminine qualities and recognize the strength they bring to my work. I like that we honor our brilliant differences!

Therefore, even though I had many responses claiming a “one-size-fits-all” model of leadership should be set out for men and women, I still think it is good to identify the qualities that women can aspire to be as leaders building on the innate strengths they bring to the table.

Naomi Caietti shared this quote from the Corporate Gender Gap Report 2010 based on a survey of 600 of the heads of Human Resources at the world’s largest employers, “… the idea that most corporations have become gender-balanced or women-friendly is still a myth.” They cite the lack of female role models as one of the top three barriers to women’s rise to positions of senior leadership.

The question remains: Is a role model a position, a person or a way of being?

There were some women mentioned as role models, including Carol Tome, the CFO of Home Depot; Sandra Bullock for her graceful handling of her recent life chaos; and a chorus of incredible sisters, daughters, mothers and business partners. The entries were a great testament to the women who take charge with strength and grace. Thanks to Debbie Brown, Joyce Lansky, Lee Wennerberg and Susan Steinbrecher for their heartfelt contributions.

The winning entries, according to me, were from Frances Flynn Thorsen and Caroline Ryan. You can either read their original submissions here (scroll down to the comments) or read the synopsis in the Huffington Post article (scroll down to the shaded area). Both of these women profiled a real woman in a leadership role, identifying the behaviors she demonstrates and recognizing the mindset she has that makes her so remarkable.

Do we need to honor our models of female leadership or seek one model for all? I believe we can do both, but never forget what wonderful qualities men and women have to offer as we stand as different genders, side-by-side.

Marcia Reynolds is an executive coach and teaches leadership around the world. Check out the thoughtful reviews for her latest book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.

Metaphorically, of course.

My book is launching June 15th. The closer the date gets, the more I feel paralyzed to do anything. The list of launch activities on my desk is yelling at me. I’m slow to respond.

I know why. I’ve been here before. I’m putting my piece of art on display. What if the response is lukewarm? What if all my hours of labor in writing and marketing fall flat?

High-achievers love taking on projects where they know they will succeed. I can write a book. I can create websites and promo materials. I can inspire my friends to cheer for me.

I can’t control a faceless audience.

My brain is doing its best to take me to a screeching halt. I have to do my best to overcome it in spite of the unknown future, which of course can be wonderful…who knows?

So I keep reminding myself that the stress and trepidation means that something is trying to be born. This force has taken me this far. It’s time set it free to create whatever is next for me.

I also have the pleasure of reminding myself that no matter how strong I am on the outside and how confident I am in my abilities, I have a soft spot inside that that suffers from bad reviews and fears disappointment.

I am human.

Sigh.

Now, off to work. And please consider purchasing Wander Woman on June 15th. If you send me the receipt, I’ll send you a bonus Workbook. Thanks…I can now check one more thing off my launch list!

1. We are intelligent beings astute at creating excuses for not remembering what we know.
2. Every human is an artist. We create our lives every day. We are angry, depressed and frustrated when we think we can’t create. Instead of striving to end your suffering, what will shift you into feeling creative?
3. Truth exists with or without us. We don’t create it; we see it when we choose to clear away the fog of fear and the superstitions someone told us to believe. Then open your heart with love before you ask the question, “What do I know to be true, really?”
4. Change who you believe you are and your world and the story you tell about it changes.
5. We should not tell other people what their story should be. Instead, inspire them to be their own beautiful story.
6. Your physical body is a biological machine. It gets sick, it breaks down, it is attacked by viruses and bacteria and it eventually dies. The only thing you are responsible for is to stay as healthy as you can. You did not attract and are not responsible for everything else that happens by nature. But remember… What happens in your body is truth. How you deal with it—what happens in your mind—is choice.
7. The best you can do in relationships is to respect others and do not tell lies. This goes for how parents should relate to their children as well.
8. Celebrate life. Your heart is drumming in this celebration. Let your mind sing in harmony to the beat.
9. Do not mourn death. If you are around someone dying, they will most likely ask you to stay happy and appreciate the life you have. Honor their request.

And my favorite insight from the day…

10. As a coach and teacher, I am responsible for what I tell you. I am not responsible for what you understand.

You may have heard most of these pearls from someone along the way. Yet, as don Miguel said, we brilliantly forget what we know. So when your intelligent brain works against you, what will you do to remember?

Please post here the bits of wisdom you have heard or read that you love and what you do to remember to live by them.

On a more personal level, I found some great insights in the article to help me better communicate or at least better understand left-brain thinkers. I’ll share a few points here.

But first let me say that yes, there are men who access the right side of their brains proficiently, and even compulsively. However, there have been many studies that indicate that especially under duress, men tend to primarily access their logical, fixate-on-one-point-of-view-and-solve-the-problem-from-here left side of their brains. I talk more about how this plays out in the workplace in this week’s Huffington Post blog entry.

Due to both our biology and our upbringing, women tend to be more balanced, accessing both their right and left hemispheres when solving problems and communicating to others. Or if they lean to one side of the brain, they rely more heavily on their right hemisphere which leads them to focus on nonverbal as well as verbal cues, see interconnections among all parts of an issue, consider social and emotional impact as well as logical outcomes, and relate circumstances to metaphors and stories.

The result? Men and women often have a failure to communicate.

We can argue or be self-righteous all day about who offers a better perspective. The truth is, if we are talking to someone who processes information differently than us then we need to alter our style in order to be heard. I continue to learn this lesson as I teach predominantly left-brain men how to be good leaders. Here are some tips I’ve learned to heed:

1.  Women like to talk about relationships and feelings. We like to converse about progress and the details that led up to the results. We like the give and take of talk, but we also like our viewpoints to be validated. Men might tolerate this, but they first want to know what the point is of the conversation. They want to know why “what happened before” is important to the result before listening to the stories. They want their viewpoints validated too even if we think they need more information. Therefore,

• Find common ground first. Agree to the headline and the goal of the conversation.
• Respect each others’ viewpoints.
• Don’t keep talking when the other person mentally checks out.

2.  Although men use complaining as a way to vent their emotions, women get emotionally hooked by their words. In other words, when a man complains, the woman worries. Therefore, before reacting women should

• Ask what the man needs right now to feel better about the situation.
• Ask if the situation requires any action or if he is just describing an annoyance he has to live with. If he just needs to rant, you have nothing to worry about.
• Ask if he would be open to exploring other perspectives. If he isn’t thrilled by the idea, don’t push it. And don’t try to make him stop expressing himself. Go do something you enjoy doing instead of listening if his words bother you.

3.  Women use small talk and personal compliments to bond. In the middle of a conversation, I might compliment a woman on her hair or her purse. This might lead to a conversation about stylists or shopping before getting back to the topic. Men don’t get that this is about bonding.

• Bond with a man by complimenting what he is saying, not what he is wearing. If you can’t compliment his ideas, ask who, what, where, when, and “what else” questions. Deepen the conversation instead of distracting from it.
• Men like personal compliments, too, but not in front of a group and not when it is out of context.
• If giving a personal compliment could imply a hidden agenda, even if you have none, don’t give it. Men aren’t used to compliments so they sometimes assume you want something from it.

There are a lot more tips available all over the Internet. Some are good. Some promote unfair stereotyping. I think the best advice is to try to discover how best we can connect individually and then honor these differences as natural mental habits. Do have any tips to add?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I’m presenting with a number of incredible women in the virtual Amazing Woman Power & Success Summit! It began Monday morning but there are seminars all week. The summit is FREE. Register at http://bit.ly/d9puke

When you want to make a change in your life, you usually want to feel something different than what you are feeling now, right? You may have a desire to feel something more, such as more passion, contentment, joy, pride or peace of mind. Or you may have a desire to decrease stress, regrets, anxiety, sadness or an unclear longing in your gut. You may visualize the change as a new job, house or relationship, but underneath is the desire to feel something more or something less.

Lots of people offer sound advice on taking steps to change your life, however…The success of your change depends on how badly you want to feel differently. You have to want the change in emotions enough to overcome the discomfort, boredom, confusion, embarrassment and worry that pops up to stop you from growing.

One of the strongest emotions that leads to change is anger; this includes making positive changes in your life. An intense negative reaction to your circumstances revs up your internal motor more powerfully than a lightly held wish. Through extensive research, Jennifer Lerner and her team at the Harvard Decision Science Laboratory found that anger both encourages people to believe they can control their futures and then motivates them to take risks.

There are many times I have asked a client, “Are you finally mad enough at yourself for allowing this to happen, again?” The question serves to focus the anger on their own avoidance mechanisms, disarming the blocks they had for changing. When you adamantly say, “Enough,” you may be angry about your circumstances but probably you are just as angry at yourself for standing in the mud with two good feet.

However, anger can be damaging to our health and relationships over time. The skill is to, after you begin making the changes you want, shift the focus of your anger away from the external circumstances to instead focus on what you strongly desire to feel within yourself.

It is not the flaky boss or the overwhelming responsibilities that make you scream at strangers while you drive. You should be angry that it has taken so long for you to realize you have the power to change your circumstances. If you then channel the energy of your discontent toward what passion, happiness, freedom, respect, or peace of mind you choose to feel, you will be using your anger to initiate positive actions.

Therefore once you commit to a change you want to make, you should shift your focus away from what is missing in your life to what you want to passionately and positively create. Adamantly wanting something to end is a good way to kick-start the process. Yet once you are off and running, you need a positive obsession to sustain your efforts. To help make the shift, answer the questions below:

Exercise: Giving Voice to Your Emotions

Understanding what is at the source of your emotions will help you focus your energy toward positive change. After you experience anger, disappointment or disgust, ask yourself:

• What do I feel I have lost?
• What do I feel I should have?
• What are people not giving me that I deserve?
• What am I doing to keep myself small?

Now ask yourself how badly you want what you deserve and what you are capable of creating:

• What do I want more of in my life? What do I want to say “yes” to now?
• What is the gift I most want share?
• What are the new conversations I would like to create?
• What is my heart telling me to do?

Now, picture what is possible for you. Make your declaration public by sharing it with someone. Determine what you can do to ensure your commitment to this change. Then every day, focus on what is working and the outcomes you achieve, even tiny ones. Putting positive emotions in service of what you desire will help you sustain your journey.

Excerpt from Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. Berrett-Koehler, June 2010.

In fact, the sorting and arranging of information involved in typical problem-solving processes works against your ability to see the problem in a new light. You can try to shift and rearrange what you know, but your thoughts end up swirling around in circles. Many times you will give up and keep doing what you have always done. The sudden, new, and amazing solution to a problem only arises when you can look at your situation from an entirely new angle.

Using Appreciative Dialogue to sort out personal challenges goes beyond discovering and applying your strengths. As a high achiever, you can easily identify what you are good at doing. Appreciative Dialogue goes beyond assessing your talents to being mindful of everything you can access to create moments where you feel fully alive and excited. You explore everything that contributed to the creation of your peak experiences in the past and then consciously apply those contributions—your strengths, values, gifts, attitudes, and outside resources—to a challenge you are currently facing.

In Wander Woman, I look at a number of ways you can use Appreciate Dialogue to resolve issues, design plans and determine how to find “your best self” every day. I’ll share one problem-solving application with you here.

This activity is best done with a trusted friend or coach to help you stay focused on the positive application, not the problem. Although you can do the exercise by yourself, exploring through dialogue can wield greater results than when you reflect on your own.

You will be focusing on one difficult situation or unsettling conflict you are currently facing. But first, set this issue aside. Instead, think of a time in your past when you felt energized, significant, and fulfilled. This moment could have happened yesterday or years ago. Can you recall a particular peak experience?

Now, with this memory in mind, answer the following questions:

1. Describe a peak experience where you felt fully alive and fulfilled.
2. What five things did you contribute to creating this peak experience? (do not move on to the next question until you complete this list)
3. Looking at your list of contributions, what can you carry forward to the challenge you are now facing or what will help you to better understand the difficult situation you just experienced?
4. What is possible for you now?

The intent of Appreciative Dialogue is to teach your brain how to make the shift from problems to possibilities. How can you look at the present moment in light of your past peak experiences? What is available to you to shift from dark to light? New ideas will appear in the conversation as you connect your positive past with the present moment.

You can also use Appreciative Dialogue to extend and repeat a positive experience. The focus is on “what can I continue?” You then detail what you did to create the glorious moment so you know specifically what you will repeat.

Remember to have these conversations often so you can determine what activities, mindset, and energy patterns will best serve you right now. The results will help you adjust and revitalize your daily activities.
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From Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction to be released this spring.

“The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.” – Albert Einstein

I know that when I am in the presence of something beautiful, whether it is a waterfall, a woman (or man), a baby animal or a work of art, I feel the joy of a child throughout my body. My office looks out on a row of small mountains so I can get this sense whenever I feel like I’m losing my sanity.

Yet the “pursuit of truth” part of Einstein’s quote had me a little baffled. I love learning, but I wouldn’t equate the emotions I feel when I am reading or researching with those of a child. When I discover something I didn’t know, I am happy, sometimes excited. Yet I don’t seem to connect with the sense of delight I see in the eyes of the little girl next door when she discovers something new.

I often teach people how to get into a state of “Beginner’s Mind.” When you can look at things, situations and people as if you have never seen them before, then you might discover something new and delightful. Suzuki Roshi said, “In the beginner’s mind, there are many possibilities. In the expert, there are few.” If you already know what to expect when you approach a situation or person, then nothing new will appear. If you can say, “What might be different today?” and step into a sense of curiosity, you might be surprised. This practice could bring a state of WOW back into your work and your relationships.

Yet I felt there was something even deeper that Einstein was referring to in his quote. When researching how people truly transform their lives for my book, Wander Woman, I discovered the works of Victor Turner who wrote a classic anthropology book called The Forest of Symbols. In the book, Turner describes how you can stand in the state of pure possibility where you eagerly await the unknown future and are fully open to experience what might be true for you now. He called this phase of transformation the “liminal period” when new configurations of ideas and self-concepts can emerge in your mind.

We all experience the liminal period when we are trying to make important changes in our behavior and our lives, when the gap between the old and the new feels uncomfortable. Life feels awkward and scary. You aren’t sure who you are or what you are supposed to do. If you don’t understand what is going on, you may either think something is wrong with you or surmise that doing this personal work was a dumb idea. Either way, you may abort your commitment to change.

If you either go back to your old habits or you keep growing but only focus on the discomfort of change, you lose a fabulous chance to experience what it feels like to stand in the state of pure possibility, where you have no idea what will happen next. If you can’t let yourself stand here, you miss the chance to learn like a child.

In reality, the discomfort of change is only your brain working to create new patterns and connections. In other words, your discomfort is essentially a signal of positive growth. This is the best time to try out new behaviors, to do new things and reflect on your silly mistakes as well as your successes. When you are unsure of yourself, you should “embrace the mystery” with curiosity instead of distress. If you can see that life is about making changes and it is better to flow with the unsteadiness of the transition, you will be in a better mental place to accept the unknown. The more you open your mind, the more options become available. The more you can pursue new truths.

I know you like to get things right. You don’t like to fail. But if you stay in this box, are you really free? I invite you to step into the liminal zone. Experience a few WOW moments today. Then share what you learned here so we can all learn something new and beautiful together.